Journal Entry: 07/21/2012 - Long Overdue Update

Ok, so I've gotten lazy about writing since my transition. Well maybe that's not entirely true.  Since becoming fully "out" and with no need to "hide" I have been posting thoughts on Facebook, reducing the need and personal value of writing here.  So why am I writing here now?  Good question.  #1: I'm feeling a need to write here and #2: Mea has been great about keeping in contact but I've not been nearly as good at keeping her up to date on my status.  So, this is a long overdue update.

To re-cap, I transitioned to living full time as Laura Catherine simultaneously with undergoing my legal name change on April 18, 2012.  It was an anxious but exciting period but after 3 months, just being myself everyday is becoming routine.  My confidence is quite high and still without being "made" in public, my concerns about "passing" or "blending in" are rapidly fading.  I do miss the excitement of transitioning on weekends but on the other hand, waking up as myself everyday is, well, priceless.

I didn't read through and don't remember the details of my prior entries so if I repeat something, well to be honest...so what? It's my journal. :-)  My lovely wife paid a good sum of money to the owners of the nail shop that we use to get "permanent makeup". So what is that?  Simply a tatto0 in places that makeup would normally go.  So, first we got eyebrows done, which also served to level mine and look much better.  On another visit for nails the owner made us an offer to have lips and eyeliner done that was just too good to pass up so those are done too.  Yes, all of this hurts as any tattoo would.  Eyebrows were bad enough and lips a little worse.  But the eyes? OMG....we are talking about paying someone to still a needle in your eye 10 thousand times.  It would be bad enough if you were kidnapped, held against your will and restrained so that the torture could be inflicted.  But, to pay someone good money and go through this voluntarily is well...enough to question one's sanity.  I may well be insane, I have gone from appearing to the world as a male to appearing to the world as a female.  My lovely wife though has no such excuse.....but then again maybe living with has driven her insane.....that is a very real possibility.  Now for the best part, each of these "tattoos" needs to be done in two visits.  Basic and then "touch up" once the first session has healed.  Well "touch up" appears a misnomer as it's worse than the first time.  I know understand how genetic women could undergo childbirth more than once.  While you can remember intellectually that something hurt, you forget the physical sensation....until, that is, that needle (or first contraction?) hits your skin and it all comes flooding back.  You're trapped tough because you know that if you jerk, that needle could well go astray and tattooing my eyeball was not part of the deal. So, now it's done and I like the outcome.  A little mascara and my eyes are done (with a little coordinating eyeshadow sometimes).  If I'm going "clubbing" I may add a little bottom eyeliner for more of an effect, but really don't need to. Here is a picture to try and show what this looks like but eyebrows will be the most noticeable....esp if you compare some earlier pictures.

"Permanent Eyebrow Makeup"

Ok, so what is next....I do have to say that, especially in view of the horror stories that are out there of people losing their jobs, homes, families etc, my transition was about as easy as it could get.  People at work (I am a Dept of Defense civilian, working for the AF) were amazing.  That's not just my co-workers either.  I have been with the AF, as a social worker, for nearly 30 yrs.  (This includes 20 yrs of being active duty).  In  my capacity I know lots of people and interact with everyone from the General that runs the base I work on to people in the AF Surgeon General's office and patients.  Everyone has been great.  Any naysayers out there have been silent, if they exist.  Ok, so they have to be nice because gender identity is a category protected against discrimination along with face, sex, religion etc.  But my patients, ones I had before transition and ones I've gained since then, have a choice...and everyone last one, old and new, has chosen to remain with me.  I don't know if new ones know that I am TS or not, though I expect some do.  Either way, they have stayed with me. Lucky for them actually because since unloading my "secret" onto the world, I have become a much better therapist.  It's like now that my mind is not cluttered with anxiety and conflict over a gender identity that does not match my presentation to the world, it is free to focus on other parts of life.  I am also much more aware of my feelings which translates to patients feeling more empathy from me.  So work is good.  My kids have accepted me and my youngest daughter and I (she lives locally) have been out together for dinner and a local club.  Had a great time.  I'm going to drive to Alabama to visit my oldest daughter over the Labor Day weekend.

So what else is new.  My wife and I took a weekend trip to Florida's Gulf Coast (It's much more lively and to us, better than on our Atlantic coast).  This was over the memorial day weekend so only about 6 weeks into my transition.  I was a little nervous about going outside of my comfort zone but needed to for my own growth.  Again, all went well, including sunbathing on the beach in a 2 piece bikini.  Another milestone.

First time in a bikini

Well I want to get this published so I'll stop here.  Maybe tomorrow I'll write about our Cruise.  :-)

I am sincerely,



Laura Catherine xx