My Angel

My Angel,

My angel was heaven sent. Some say turn it over, let go - let God. Then there is talk of a master plan, a higher power, all loving and all knowing....yet sight unseen. That is faith my friends, most tested at times of greatest challenge. Well perhaps there are not many greater challenges in life that of a transgender person in transition. Well I am here to tell you, have faith....there are angels amongst us.

My angel was sent with purpose, assigned a specific mission. She was sent for me to fall in love with. To fall for completely, off the deep end into the dark depths of the heart and soul that many people never experience. She came at a time and place most unexpected and appeared before me, a lovely blonde haired apparition that simply reached out with a smile so warm, so inviting, so mesmerizing that I simply opened my heart, without question, and place it so willingly at her feet. She took good care of it, ensuring that the last threads of caution dissolved into a pile of dust falling behind us on the earth as we walked hand-in-hand through life, forever....or not.

No, this angel's mission, it's true, was to save my heart and soul, but not in the manner that I assumed. She was to make her way so deep into my heart that I could think of little else. I needed her like one needs air. Once accomplished and I was sufficiently vulnerable, He took her away from me, over and over and over again. Well my free will surprised even Him, that the depth of my love for her would allow me to hold my breath for days and weeks at a time when we were apart. But there was work to be done and He would not give up. So he took her away again, and again, and for longer periods....6 months of a single year and I waivered, but again my will persisted. Too soon though another year was upon me, facing another year with being alone for half of it. Finally I caved, gave up, cried uncle, began to turn it over.....and came to either find myself or completely and irretrievably turn to dust.

So I found myself, looking into the mirror one day and seeing what I had somehow blinded myself to for so long, the female version of me. And so it began, the days of the joys and angst of self discovery, all the while watching the tears of my angel as she recognized that her mission was coming to an end, a bit like Nanny McPhee. As I moved along the path of my journey of transition the ties that bound us began to slowly dissolve.....until one day, just another time apart, it would be different.....this time she wouldn't come back, except briefly to check on me with her own eyes and to say goodbye....tears would flow, hers and mine, then and now, as letting go, no matter how necessary it may be, is difficult if not seemingly impossible some days. But I was stronger, having been forced to find myself or die. Even so, I would resist, but my resolve was weakening. Like it or not I was beginning to see that I could stand on my own, and take a few steps towards independence.

I would venture out, not straying far from home at first but then farther as confidence grew. I was tasting the grapes of life for the first time, through clear lenses. There were successes and failures but in spite of the fear, I was able to recover from each. And then she was gone...silence from beyond the deep blue waters that separated us.

Then, just when it seemed I would drift, forever alone.....the second phase of His plan was put into action. He would send her human counterpart and I would recognize her instantly. My heart would immediately open, as if conditioned to the common features...those parts of my angel that I loved so much, shining through the morning mist to guide the way. The image took shape, finally, and clarity was achieved.

My angel, my Lynda was heaven sent to heal me, and then set me free so that I could be ready for my Linda to come into my life when I was ready. The similarities between the angel and the person were incredulous as is the most prominent difference. While my Lynda had reason to leave me, repeatedly, Linda does not. Both are gorgeous, strong and packed with worldly good sense. They are honest, genuine and loving. Yes, my Lynda's mission was to prepare me for my Linda.

In heartfelt sincerity and a degree of sadness that I will carry with me forever, thank you. You are the woman that touched my heart and let me feel what true love is, becoming the first woman that I would truly love....preparing me as it were for Linda....the last woman I will ever love. Be well my Lynda, for I will never forget you. I truly hope that you find the blissful happiness that should come your way for the years of your life that you gave to me, so that I could find that very same blissful happiness.

Lots of love,
Laura xx