Losses that Outweigh the Gains

I hate to be writing this entry but I have to tell someome.  If you are listening, I'm sorry to burden you....you might just want to stop reading here.

So it looks like it's over.  No, the final bell has not rung but the gong is beginning to strike.  My marriage to the only woman I've ever loved is coming to an end because of my selfishness.  She asked me, no...she begged me not to go through with my transition, but I didn't listen. All I thought about was myself, my own happiness, without really considering the impact on her.  I knew the data on marriages survining transition, and it's not good.  The few that make it do so involve older people and out of love.  Well my beloved and I are 57 so I figured we had the older part down.   On top of that we loved each other so I convinced myself that we were going to be the exception.....we were exceptional people afterall.  We are educated, financially stable and international travelers.  We were to become international snow-birds at retirement, spending summers in England and winters in Florida.  Yes, we had it all figured out.  I was even looking for a government job back in England so she could be nearer her family.   I kept telling everyone how great she was being.  I mean she gave me the pant suit I wore to court on the day I changed my name and became Laura Catherine.  She paid hundreds of dollars for us to get permanent makeup for eyebrowns, eyeliner and lipliner.    As I think about de-transitioning I know the pain that will be involved to erase those tattoos. I have decided that I will do just that though if it means I can keep her in my life.  Even as I offer that it seems it's too late.

No..the love of my life, my true soul mate...is slipping through my fingers like sands through an hour-glass....and so are the days of our lives.  At 57, my life moving forward is empty, with no direction and no meaning.  I wanted it all, and wound up with nothing.  I gambled, and lost, more than I could afford.  No, life as I knew it, life as I saw it....is over.  Where I go from here is nowhere....all I see is darkness and loneliness and a life of misery.  I wonder if it's all even worth it. 

I had my chance.....I was one of the lucky ones to actually find, by a pure act of serendipiosity, the one I was supposed to be with....and I thew it away like it was a bowl full of marbles and I could just reach in and pick out another one.  Not this time, she is one of a kind.....life as I know it is over..... when I look at the life I will have I see darkness, emptiness and loneliness.  Lonliness....my greatest fear and I brough it all on myself.


Anyone have a big rock I could crawl under and drift off into a deep sleep?



I was sincerely,

Laura Catherine