Telling Dad

This is the e-mail I sent my dad:

(edited and sent on 16 February 2013)

Dad,

Well as I said in my text, Paul informed me that mom had shared my big and albeit shocking news. First, there is more I want to tell you that I could never put in an e-mail. People write novels about their journeys (as we call it). If you want to read a really good one, and the first book I read on this subject, try “She’s Not There” by Dr Jennifer Finney Boylan. Dr Boylan is an English professor at Colby College in New Hampshire and her book is about her journey. I have come to learn that while the specifics are different, the general theme for all of us is the same. Early childhood indicators, years of attempting to repress our feelings, dysphoria for ‘no apparent reason’, certain degrees of success while apparently leading a ‘normal’ life, some period (often years) of consternation about ‘coming out’ and then anxieties and fears about everything from losing family, jobs, homes etc to being actually able to blend into society without ridicule and embarrassment to medical worries and the rather huge financial cost.....many, if not most of us, never make it all the way. I am one of the few that did. You always did say that if you were going to do something, do it right.... well I assure you....I did this as right as anything I’ve ever done; and once my decision was made, it came very easily, though not without my share of worry.

Ok, time to spell it out. I am, in general, transgendered. More specifically, transsexual. Transgender is an umbrella term covering all sorts of gender issues from closeted cross-dresses to transvestites/drag queens to transsexuals. There is much confusion in society about the differences between transsexuals and transvestites; sort of like psychologists vs psychiatrists. Those that know anything about medicine know the fundamental difference between a psychiatrist and psychologist is that the psychiatrist has been to medical school. Well the fundamental difference between a transsexual and transvestite is gender dysphoria. That is to say an emotionally disturbing emotional incongruence between our biological sex and our gender identity. Also, transvestites are typically gay men that are happy to be men but like portraying women in a role. Some do this professionally as Drag Queens. Transsexuals are not happy at all with their biological sex and often strive to change it to more closely resemble their gender identity. While there is currently serious debate about where this fits into the medical world, currently I have a mental disorder called Gender Identity Disorder (according to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual (DSM-IV) of Mental Disorders. In the DSM V it will be called simply Gender Dysphoria. Many would have it moved completely from the mental health disorders to a medical disorder, likely one of the endocrine system. Research has found that the only effective treatment is to transition to the identified gender. While counseling throughout transition maybe helpful to deal with the fallout, transition only initially requires mental health services to rule out other co-morbid conditions and then the treatment is all medical....for most of us endocrine treatment involving introduction of high doses of estrogen while including an antiandrogen to block the production of testosterone. The results, over a period of several years, is a gradual feminization of the body. For some, $$$ is often the key barrier, gender reassignment surgery (or more crudely a sex change operation) is accomplished. While even with surgery, once it has been completed, it is complete, hormone treatment continues throughout life. Thus the reason that, as the primary treatment is of the endocrine system, the belief that this is where this condition should be classified.

Now for a bit of my journey. I’ll start with a couple of childhood memories and then jump quickly to my current state. I remember in probably 3rd or 4th grade, so 8-9 yrs old, asking mom for a pair of girls tights. I wanted them, to wear, more than you could imagine. I must have known something was off by this request because when mom asked me why, I told her to keep my legs warm...she bought me boys long johns. I also distinctly remember, around the same age, telling mom that I thought I was supposed to be a girl. I remember wanting a GI Joe (I really wanted a Malibu Barbie but knew there was no way) but you would never buy me one....the persistent argument being that GI Joe was a doll and dolls were for girls. Really? I laugh now but really? How many GI Joes do you think were sold, and how many of those do you think were sold to girls. That tells me that you saw something wrong in me and tried to correct it in the best way you knew how. Around that same time, I think the summer after we moved to Roberta Rd, I road my bike everyday to Shelia Egan’s house. She lived on lower Oswald Ave and I had known her at Stearns. We used to play girl games like hopscotch or with her dolls. I remember one day her dad came out and said that I should be playing with boys, and suggested her younger brother Eric....I don’t think I ever went back there. It makes me sad to think about because she was a really good friend. I’d love to track her down and tell her my story but she is probably married and living who knows where. Anyway...they were some of the early indicators....looking back. Seems there was also some talk about taking me to a therapist when I was young but it never came about, that I remember. Growing up with the kids on Eleanor Rd was easy because boys and girls all did the same things. Gender didn’t make much difference. The girls played football and the boys played bridge. When dating started it was always very awkward for me. I didn’t think like the other boys. I was attracted to women, or wanted to be around them and have never been attracted to men. I think what I wanted was to be in the inner circle of women...in their space. But, even when you are dating a girl, you are still outside their world...so it was never enough. Cranwell was, well....just say I looked forward to Fridays when the girls from Miss Halls came to use our science labs. Dating in college wasn’t very fruitful but then I met Cheryl when I was home that first summer from Purdue. As with most girls I had dated, I wanted to marry them by the second date. Hence I scared everyone off but managed not to do that with her. She was pretty and we were good friends, though I don’t know if I loved her romantically. But it didn’t matter. My plan was to be married and I was. Whether it was to always be able to be around women or to help suppress my dysphoria and ‘do what boys do’ (get married and have kids) it’s hard to tell now. But in any case It did. I remember mom telling Cheryl, before our wedding, that I could be cold. That hurt when I heard she had said that but, she was right. I really didn’t feel anything unless a situation was intense. What I did was to quickly analyze a situation, determine the appropriate emotion and then the behavior that would have been consistent with that emotion, and behave accordingly. It was quite an act and, for the most part, I pulled it off. It was really tiring though.

Twenty years of active duty helped further suppress the female side of me but as retirement loomed and the internet bloomed, I began to let myself explore, especially after arriving here in 1998. It started innocently but eventually I found myself expressing my female side on the internet, in chat rooms primarily. There was some pornography involved, though that wasn’t the main point, that’s just what others saw and led to my separation and divorce from Cheryl. In the end though, the primary goal was to portray a female role within the perceived anonymity of the internet. I was in counseling after we separated (this was in 2002) and at one point, came to the conclusion that I was transsexual. I even remember that Cheryl was visiting me at the house on base (until 2003 the plan was always to get back together), I think in the fall of 2002, and I told her. I even dressed in female clothing to show her. I don’t remember her particular reaction but it wasn’t horror. Well I told my therapist but learned that this was a specialized area and she didn’t feel comfortable treating me but offered to refer me to a friend. We had talked about how much I wanted the love of a woman, someone to hug and hold hands with. Well at that time I had zero support. You didn’t even know yet I was separated, my girls didn’t want to talk with me, I was retiring from the AF with no good plan after and no idea how to go about the world as a transsexual. Heck, I didn’t even know how to be a single boy let alone a single transsexual. Well the following week I went back to my therapist with tons of doubt. She reminded me that she was no expert but suggested that maybe I wanted the love of a woman so badly, I was willing to become one. Well, I’ll tell you, that sounded a whole lot better than being transsexual so I bought it, and my feelings subsided....for a while. But, like throughout my life, they came back. I married Lynda in 2003 and felt ‘normal’ again for a bit, but within a few months my feelings were back. Over the course of our marriage I gradually began expressing my female side more and more....underwear, shaving my legs, then chest and arms, girls jeans, shorts and a pair of pants when we used to go dancing in England. Still I didn’t accept that I was transsexual, I just liked girls clothes. But, no matter how much of my feminine side I got to express, it wasn’t enough. I remember in England, at work during quiet times, researching the various sexual disorders trying to figure myself out. A couple of years ago I even researched self castration....though learning that there was no safe way to do that. Well my feelings became stronger and stronger and during times Lynda was back in England, I was back on the internet expressing my female side. I felt quite ashamed about this as I love her very much, but felt it was wrong. Over the past few years I told Lynda, in a joking way as to test the waters, that I thought I was supposed to be a girl. Over more time, my feelings grew until April 2011 when they were becoming overwhelming and I told Lynda I was going to go to counseling to figure them out and what to do about them. She went back to England in May for 3 months. By early July (a couple of weeks before she was due to come back), with the aid of counseling, I came to accept that I was transsexual...had Gender Identity Disorder. I had met another, local trans girl on the internet and she convinced me to come out (dressed) to a coffee shop in downtown Melbourne. Thursday evenings they have a gathering of lesbian, gay, bi, and transgendered persons (LGBT )...and I did. I will never forget the feeling of standing on the sidewalk talking with another trans girl in a jean skirt, heels and a female top...I described it later as having let the genie out of the bottle, and she didn’t want to go back in. Well Lynda wasn’t pleased but worked with me, came to a couple of counseling visits and even went out with me (I called myself Rachael initially just because I liked the name). Over the next few months I became more and more confident as no one had ever said anything to embarrass me. I was meeting, mostly on Facebook, other girls like me and many had cute stories about their names so I decided I needed to pick a name that had meaning for me. I decided, out of respect for you and the name you gave me, I wanted to keep my same initials. Someone had suggested picking a name popular when I was born, rather than now. Well again to the internet to look for popular girls names from 1955. Well there were not many L C combinations that worked and Laura Catherine just jumped out at me. So that’s what I started using. On December 13, 2011...via prescription from an Endocrinologist, I took my first estrogen tablets and the anti-androgen. By then I had done considerable research and was pleased with my prescriptions. I had obtained the referral from the Chief of the Medical Staff at the base hospital, who was terrific. My plan was to live my life as a boy during the work week and transition to living as Laura on weekends. It was great at first but over time the dysphoria during the work week became overwhelming and I knew I needed more. I needed to transition to living my life full time as Laura. Again, with the aid of the internet, I was able to learn that while federal employees were protected from discrimination for race, sex, age, religion etc....in 2010 the rules were modified to include gender identity. So, with the research in hand, I went to my boss and told her..she was great, supportive and gave me a big hug. From there we went to our Squadron Commander and he was also supportive. Finally to our hospital Commander who was nothing less than amazing. A female Colonel from Kenya, but raised in England, she gave me lots of time to talk, gave me a big hug and immediately drove across base to tell our Wing Commander, a Brigadier General. Well that was the last time I had to explain myself on base. The General made it clear that if he heard of anyone giving me a hard time he would be happy to meet with them in person...what support. I did of course tell my office staff who were also supportive. I am friends with some senior social work officers that I 'had served with and they are in some high leadership roles at HQ AF and across the world. Again, an amazing response. Finally came my patients. This was my most humbling professionally. Every patient, all given the choice, elected to continue with me after transition....almost made me cry (which I do a lot easier these days).

On April 18, 2012 (a year to within a day to my first counseling session) I went to court and changed my name, which is now, legally, Laura Catherine Perry. Lynda had given me a pant suit to wear and my supervisor (a Major, psychologist) came with me. It all went down without a glitch. There were seemingly endless documents and records to change but everyone had a process and I had done the prep work in advance. Social security, DMV, banks, military records – retired and DoD civilian ID, college records (had to order new diplomas to display in my office), professional license etc. It was fun though and I’ve gotten 99% of it done. Within a few weeks, with a letter from my Endocrinologist, I was able to get another new drivers license but this one has a female gender marker. I also have a passport in my legal name and a female gender. This is how we went to the Bahamas over 4th of July week this year, as Laura and Lynda (paid for by Lynda). Now I have been on hormones for just over 14 months and the physical changes to my body are in evidence. I have completed 18 months of laser facial hair removal and recently started electrolysis to remove the white hairs on my face that the laser didn’t get. I am tentatively looking at using some of my 401K money to pay for gender reassignment surgery, sometime in the next year....to the tune of about 20k.

Over the course of time I told others close to me. Paul and Judi were first of the family, guinea pigs if you will. Well when they took it well, Jennifer and Heather were next. After taking some time to absorb it, they have been great. Heather and I have been out together and I spent New Years in Mobile with Jennifer and her husband. Mom was next, after talking with Judi and Paul extensively. We all decided we would leave it to mom if/when/how you would find out. The only concern was for your health and no other reason. Between your emphysema and cardiac problems we were concerned about the possible result of such news. From what Paul has told me, you’ve been pretty calm thus far...so that’s good.

I even ‘came out’ to my Cranwell class via a Facebook group. Every responder from my class and others has been great as well. I kid them that I am probably the only girl that every graduated from there. But, that may not be true as there could well have been others like me, maybe even from your class.

This is the reason I didn’t come home for Christmas or Thanksgiving. I don’t look like a boy anymore and you would have known something was up, even without hair and boys clothes. If for no other reason than my eyebrows, eyeliner and lip liner are tattooed. (paid for by Lynda)

As you I’m sure surmised..things between Lynda and I are hard. I know she loves me but not sure she can live with me as a woman. Her kids all know and the ones I talk with, via Facebook, just want her to be happy. She extended her stay to try and figure out what she wants to do but really won’t know until she gets back and sees me, April 28th. She left on August 1st to attend Sarah’s wedding. I miss her terribly but have made a couple of girlfriends that I go out with on weekends and play a lot of golf so I am doing ok.

I could go on but my carpal tunnel is starting to act up so I’ll wrap it up.

No one would go though this for fun...we go through it, potentially losing everything and everyone close to us, only because the alternative becomes unbearable at some point.

I imagine you have questions, if not now then in time. I do want you to know I am happy, happier with myself than I ever thought was possible. Yes, I miss Lynda terribly and it will be a terrible loss if we split. On the other hand, as I love myself for the first time in my life, I am ok on my own and I know I will find someone that will love me for who I really am. I feel a whole range of feelings now and understand what it feels like to really live.

I would love to come home and see everyone, when everyone is ready to see me. I can send pictures when you are ready to see what I look like, Paul has several. You will still recognize me, I’m not wearing a mask. I just look more like the female version of myself.

Please know I love you and this has no reflection on you. I have come to see I was born this way and thank you for all of the opportunities you gave me. What I accomplished as a boy was only possible because of you and the life you and mom provided me.

I know this must be a hard thing for a parent to hear and to adjust to, especially because of my age. Well, while kids are ‘coming out’ younger and younger (see the article in the Eagle today), mid to late 40’s was the norm in my generation. I was 47 in 2002...If I wasn’t going through such turmoil at the time I may well have done it back then. Anyway, I know this is hard but I’m glad you know. This ‘secret’ has created a certain distance between us that I don’t like. Now that it’s out in the open I hope we can communicate more often.

With all the love in my heart,

Laura xxx

PS: Now you can understand those occasional slip ups with Laura’s IPhone or Laura in my email address. I didn’t always remember to change everything before I responded to you.