Journal Entry: 02/04/2012 - More, Just More......

So still at Lou's Blues. I'll tell you, if you want to know if you pass, go there.  Tne place is always packed, just a bit of a meat market but not over the top.  But, being the place that it is, everyone checks out everyone so at one time or another there are a set of eyes on you.  Amzaing what a smile, or at least my smile, will do.  Lots of  returned "sister" smiles, again.

One extra button on your blouse will do wonders as well.   The next button for me on this while ruffle blouse is right in between.  Do it up and it seems a bit high.  Undo it and it, well lets just say if you were standing off my shoulder you would know that I wore a pink lace bra tonight.  So most of the night I had it done up.  Well three glasses of wine later it found it's way undone.  So, I was in Lou's Blues at a table towards the back.  There were two women, about my age I guess, sharing this oval table that was big enough for six.  I was in the back, against the wall, facing the music.  Well this older guy came in, 60's I'd guess, that knew at least one of these women.  So he stood between the two of them and chatted for an hour at least with one of them.  The other one ordered chicken wings and fries and ate them like she hadn't eaten since last saturday.  So, there I was, minding own business, drinking my glass of wine, watered down with ice and you just know what happened, I don't think they can help it.  He kept looking at me, smiling..into my eyes first and then his glance looked down to my chest.  Mind you I'm only a "B" cup but he was at the perfect angle (accident?) to see my pink lace bra.   This happened, oh I don't know, 10 times?  Eventually the two of them went up to dance and when they returned to the table the woman looked at me, (she had had her back to me the way she had been sitting) first in my eyes and then to my blouse and sat down.  She clearly wasn't happy.  She said something to him and suddenly he was standing by the entrance, 30 feet away and listening to the music by himself.  So, what to make of that? Draw your own conclusions, I did.  I figure it must be some side effect of that evil hormone testosterone.  Thank God mine is on the decline to be replaced with that lovely estrogen.  :-)

Update: Feb 5 - So before people think I am just a slut trying to steal other woman's guys I must explain,  First, I like girls....not guys.  Now, about that button..... yes, I unbuttoned that button on purpose, on the way to Lou’s Blues but it’s not all that slaggy like you think.  It just lets the ring on my necklace show.  Lots of women wear tops that show a lot more of their breasts than I did last night. Remember my breasts are breastforms and I really don't want to show them off. Yes, that pink bra completley covers them but the little clevage I can show off are from my own breasts and on their own they are not even "A" cups.  So, I got there first, well before those women.  And the guy?  He wasn’t with them.  He showed up later, must have known her the way they acted but he was not “her man”.  Did I know what he was thinking because I spent my whole life looking at women?  Not really because when I look at women I’m a woman looking at them.  I can only imagine what he was thinking….maybe it was, geesh…I wish I was a woman like her…..that’s what I used to think when I looked at women.  Somehow that’s not what I figure he was thinking but who knows? :-)

So more toilets, Squid Lips and Lou's Blues....no worries.......so yes, I get it...I pass...so get on with it already.  You don't need to keep making a fuss about it.  I count my blessings that I'm only 5'8" and even though I'd love to lose 30 lbs, I am very proportionately distributed so everything sort of fits together nicely.  It's also amazing what breasts will do to a little belly.  :-)

Well that's enough for tonight......more adventures leading to the same place, Laura is for real.....the other dude just needs to go, period!

I am sincerely,

Laura Catherine

Journal Entry: 02/04/2012 - Mistaken Identity

I almost laughed outloud. This cute little old lady, Hillary, no doubt in her mid to late 60's, came over to me at Lou's Blues and asked me if I was her cardiologist. When I told her no she asked me if I go to Squid Lips and I told her all the time. She knew she recognized met but, bless her heart, she couldn't remember where. Well that's a first. :-)

I am sincerely,

Laura Catherine

Journal Entry: 02/03/2012/ - The First Drink Bought

So another night of comfirmation.  How much do I need?  The problem is NOT passing.  The problem is having to transition each weekend after presenting as a boy all week at work.  Something is going to have to be done about that work problem.  I see going full time in my future.  Dec 13 will be my one year anniversary of beginning hormones and the end of the timeline I established to going full time.  Not sure I'll make it that far.

So, on to tonight.  Dressed casual, jeans, 3" wedges and a pink long sleeve blouse.....yes it gets cool even in Florida in the evenings in the winter.  By the time I went out in the evening I had been to the post office and the salon.  About 6:30 I left for the gay/les bar about 30 min away to say hi to our favorite bartender, only to learn that he had the day off. No matter, the fill in is nice enough and it was for only one drink anyway.  Then to Squid Lips....you can read about the place, a favorite, in an earlier blog.  It was packed, had to park in the library parking lot, next door.  I went straight to the ladies toilet and did my thing, interacting brielfy with a couple of other women coming and going, no problem.  Then I made my way to the packed bar on the deck.  It's packed because that's where the band plays on weekends.  I ordered a wine and a glass of ice and looked for a place to stand. I made my way to the back to find a couple in the corner at a bar table suitable for four.  There was enough space between them and the next table that I could stand near the railing and have a place to put my purse and drink.  Within a couple of minutes they invited me to put my drink on their table and even moved their table out from the corner to give me more room.  Within another few minutes the man, he was between me and his wife, started up a very casual conversation about the band.  That led to the three of us conversing about life.  They, Steve and Tara, are from Michigan and spend 4 winter months FL and the rest of the year in MI.  He is a retired teacher and she works from home.  They were both very nice. I'm guessing he's in his early 60's and she in her 50's.  I watched their things while they danced and, when she went to the toilet she asked him to get her a drink and he bought one for me as well.  That's a first for me and it felt great, not because of the $5.00 glass of wine but because it was even more confirmation that I pass....heck, I'm not passing as anything....I am being me.  I pass as a boy all week at work.  That makes more sense to me.  If I was presenting as a guy I would not have been treated like that. Sorry to my male friends but, male privlidge?  You can have it.  :-) 

Unlike a lot of times when men talk with me, I felt no sexual tension....and it was nice.  Tara came back to the table and we all continued to chat about places we like to go, including Lou's Blues and Capt Hiram's.  You have to be local to understand but they both have good music on weekends that every age group likes.  Eventually they left, about 8:45 and I left shortly thereafter.....stopping at the toilet again, no problem even with women occupying the space.

This is the deck at Sqid Lips looking at

the band from where I was standing.

So off to Lou's Blues for an hour and a half of music and 2 glasses of wine.  Several subtle interactions telling me I pass, not to mention getting smile out of the female server with the, "I'll kill you if you look at me" look she usually has on her face.  So, when am I going to accept that I pass?

 Lou's Blues from my vantage point

looking towards the bar.  They have karoke

downstairs and live bands upstairs after 9:00 pm.

I am sincerely,

Laura Catherine

Journal Entry: 02/03/2012 - A Day at the Spa

Ok, so they call it a spa but it's really a salon.  The decor is ok but their service is the best I've seen.  Today I enjoyed my first pedicure there......a moan almost slipped out.  Yes, manicures are great but this was so good I almost felt guilty.  Without a doubt the best I've ever had and she spent over an hour with me  And their chair?  OMG, it even squeezed your but...amazing.  They gave me control over the tv remote too, so I put "House" on.  :-)

Next was a manicure......french tips as usual and matching my toes and topped off with an eyebrow wax.  They do permanent makeup there and only charge $200 for eyebrows.  Essentially it's a tatoo but looks real.  Ths picture below is what she drew on to let me see what they look like. Mine are short and thin in places.  They also do permanent eyeliner........some people are getting rich off of our desire to look beautiful.....but I don't care, I want to look the best I can.

All in all, I was there 2.5 hrs and it cost $50, with the tip.  There is a 20% special right now but I thought the price was realy good.

I am sincerely,
Laura Catherine

Journal Entry: 01/29/2012 - Scary Times & Family Support

A scary moment today. For weeks now I've been telling my wife that I would let my brother and sister know about my  transition, but haven't done it.  She is trying to decide how she feels about trying to work things out with me and a part of that has been her difficulty accepting that this is real and not some mid-life crisis. 

I told her I'd tell them before the weekend was out.  First a txt message to tell them an important e-mail was coming...felt a little more personal than an e-mail they'd get to when they got to it. I wanted them to know at the same time.  Both are grown adults by the way.  Well Sunday (today) came and I still hadn't done it.  My wife txt me (she is visiting family in England) and asked if I had any responses yet and I had to tell her I hadn't sent the e-mail yet...and then had to tell her why.

I sat down and tried to get honest with myself.  I came to the conclusion that I wasn't completely sure that I was going to transition, not out of questions about my gender identity but because of the challenges and potential losses.  I realized that she asked me to bring my family in on this.  It was sort of to challenge my own beliefs about how real this was for me, it worked.

I was out at breakfast when she txt so when I got home I drafted an e-mail to my brother and sister, then I called my wife.  I told her why I hadn't sent the e-mail and that part of my still hoped to be "cured by love", like Jennifer Boylan had wished in her book, "She's Not There".  My wife admitted that indeed her asking me to tell my brother and sister was a test of my own seriousness.  I told her about my "cured by love" theory but I could see how hard it is for her.  She is at a crossroads herself and needs to be clear about how real this is in order to move forward one way or the other.  Me telling her this is real isn't enough.  I owe her that much. 

I typed out a txt message to my brother and sister telling them there was an impt e-mail on the way and that I was here if they wanted to talk after they read it.  While I was on the phone with my wife I hit the "send" button first on the txt message and then on the e-mail.  I watched as the outbox on my e-mail software cleared the message, indicating that it was gone.  So that's it....I guess Laura is real.  I ended the call with my wife on sort of a somber note and told her I'd let her know what kind of response I got.

I went about finishing the laundry and ironing when my sister txt me and told me that she and my brother had just gotten home from church and would read the e-mail.  She then txt my brother and I and told him to sit down, but that I was safe.  A few minutes later he called and was amazing.  He's had his own challenges finding his path but is in a very good place at this point in his life.  He told me that I had given him the best news he's heard in a long time.  Almost 9 yrs ago he had been told some things by my kids that had made him suspicious and concerned.  Not necessarily about me being trans but what he was told were some of the earlier manifestations.  Now those things he knew, that I didn't know he knew, made sense to him.  While we were on the phone an e-mail came in from my sister who also expressed her support and love.  After the call ended there were several txt messages back and forth that expressed love and support. 

Perhaps because he's had his own serious life challenges, he is totally cool with accepting Laura as his sister.  My own sister expressed her love and support but understandably needs a little time to get her head fully around this.  She has two young daughters, my neices, and that complicates it for her.  She will work with me though about how to tell them.

Yes, scary times but so nice to have family support.  Now still scary times because my wife knows Laura is real....what will she do? I can only wait and wonder.

I am sincerely,

Laura Catherine

Journal Entry: 01/22/2012 - Violated by Male Privlidge?

Ok, so violated might seem a bit of an over statement for what happened to me so what do you call low level violations. On the anger scale there is annoyance on the low end and rage on the other end, but it's all anger. Surely rape is on the extreme end of violated and some other term on the other end, so it's all on the violated scale. And, this is my journal so I get to say what I want. :-)

So what happened anyway. I was at this local gay/les bar that I go to on weekends for a couple of hours. Not my primary place but I know the staff up there and go there for a little while before going somewhere else. On Sunday nights they have bingo. This was Sunday night. I'm usually one of the very few girls in the place on bingo nights and it gets crowded. To be honest, It's not the most comfortable setting but I figure the guys are gay and I know the bar staff so I'm safe. I do know there are straight people who go in there sometimes though and if they are not regulars, i don't know who is gay vs straight (or bi). Funny, I never used to think about being safe when I was a boy...male privlidge? Anyway, they were taking a break between game when a guy came up behing me. I was sitting on, like a footstool sort of thing so was even lower than a normal chair. This guy was over 6" tall and standing as he walked up behind me, and I'm 5'8". Anyway he came up behind me and looked down, smiled, and said something I didn't understand and said "excuse me". He repeated what he had said, I think it was in spanish -- which I don't speak, and I said again, I'm sorry, I cannot understand you. Well he smiled again -- I'm thinking he spoke english perfectly well as he was able to play the english speaking game and order drinks, and had another agenda with me which made me uncomfortable. Well after the third time he just smiled and stroked my hair and said something else I didn't understand. I think he was trying to compliment me on my hair but I immediately felt my skin crawl. This man, whom I did not know, and without my permission, touched me in a rather intimate way. He may well have been just trying to compliment me but who did he think he was to be able to touch me like that without my permission. I can only imagine what a rape victim must think......Anyway, that's it. I left shortly after. My hair is nice, you can see it in my avatar pic and other pics when I have blonde hair. It is a wig but it's human hair and looks and feels very natural. But that's not the point. He did not have permission to touch me. If that's male privlidge I can honestly say I never took adavantage of it that way. I'm sure I enjoyed other aspects of male privlidge without even know it but I can say I never knowingly and intentionally took advantage others with it.

I am sincerely,

Laura Catherine

Journal Entry: 01/22/2012 - More Confirmation?

Anytime I get confirmation that I pass is a good day and my confidence keeps going up. Last night was one of those times. Saturday nights usually start early, around 6:00 to a gay/les bar within about 20 minutes from where I live. There are usually hardly any people there then but the bar staff is nice. I planned to go up there for an hour or so and then head to my local bar/restaurant that I've talked about before. It's name is Squid Lips and I'll refer to it as such from now on. Squid Lips is a cool place. It's located right on the intercoastal waterway with it's own dock and beach with tables, chairs and wait service. The front lobby is big and if you are going to one of the multi room dinning rooms the hostess will seat you. To the right is the main bar and is very good size. This is the sports bar part of this place. Walking through the main bar you get to a "screened in" tiki sort of bar. It's not really screened, the widows are plastic and can be zipped up in weather. Walking through that bar and down the ramp is the large deck with another bar. This is where they have the music stage and a dance floor. Really just a space in front of the stage with no tables or chairs. A few steps down one side of the deck leads to the beach. So, that's the visual of this place called Squid Lips. Plus, its only a 10 minute drive (or $10 cab ride) home. :-)

So I went to the gay/les bar, getting there around six and was the only customer. A few minutes later a womand two male friends came in, we were all sitting at the bar. A short time after that a girl came in on her own and based on who was sitting where, took the bar stool next to me. Shortly after she turned and asked me where she could get something to eat, close by. This bar is really a small nightclub and doesn't serve food. I told I was from a neighboring city and was not familiar with the local area but the bartender could help her, which he did. That started up a conversation about lots of things. She moved here from Chicago in Oct, lived in LA for several year and is a makeup artist and has been a personal trainer. She loves basketball and we were able to get the bartender to turn a game on TV. She is single, 52 yrs old and has a daughter. She eventually ordered a small pizza from a nearby place and went and picked it up. Small was giant compared to lots of places. Then she shared it with everyone in the place, including the bartender. There were about 8 people total and there were two pieces left. I stayed until about 8:30 as I wanted to go to Squid Lips. She seemed sad that I was leaving and asked If I'd be coming back next weekend. I told her I am usually there Sat nights and told her about Bingo on Sunday nights and that I'd be there tomorrow, which is today. She sounded like she might come to Bingo too. So I left feeling, another nice chat with a gg...accepted again in the holy grail of girl talk. Yes, we talked about boys too. She likes the actor Charlie Hunnam.

So I get to Squid Lips and as expected there was a good turnout on the deck for the music. They always have good music there. I did find a table and sat there for an hour and a half or so and was on my way home about 10-10:30. I was alone there but the interactions I did have were pleasant, acknowleding smiles from gg's. I got half way home but wasn't quite ready to call it a night. I drove over the causeway to the barrier island to Lou's Blues. It was packed. I had to use the toliet right when I got there and asked a femal bartender where they were. She gestured towards the back and pointed in the right direction. I made my way accross the dance floor looking for the tell-tale sign. Some guy was standing up on a step and could tell what I was looking for and gestured towards the ladies room, more confirmation. :-). With the crowd outside I knew there would be girls in there and sure enough, a waiting line. One girl was leaving and gave me an acknowledging smile and the others did as well when I entered. As I waited stood i front of the mirror and bushed my hair and touched up my lipstick. When a stall opened up I went in did my thing came out, more girls, washed my hands and left.....more confirmation. I went back to the bar and ordered a glass of wine with a glass of ice. Ice waters down the wine and keeps it cold and helps me from getting more intoxicated than I want to. So I was in there about an hour watching those dancing and enjoying the music. My interactions consisted of numerous acknowleding smiles from gg's and appropriate more subtle smiles from guys. More confirmation.

So I went home feeling it was a good day because there were several events that gave me more confirmation that I pass. The only thing that would have made it better would have been if my wife had been with me. Alas, she is still i England for a few more weeks.

Yes, a very good day.

I am sincerely,

Laura Catherine