Journal Entry: 01/29/2012 - Scary Times & Family Support

A scary moment today. For weeks now I've been telling my wife that I would let my brother and sister know about my  transition, but haven't done it.  She is trying to decide how she feels about trying to work things out with me and a part of that has been her difficulty accepting that this is real and not some mid-life crisis. 

I told her I'd tell them before the weekend was out.  First a txt message to tell them an important e-mail was coming...felt a little more personal than an e-mail they'd get to when they got to it. I wanted them to know at the same time.  Both are grown adults by the way.  Well Sunday (today) came and I still hadn't done it.  My wife txt me (she is visiting family in England) and asked if I had any responses yet and I had to tell her I hadn't sent the e-mail yet...and then had to tell her why.

I sat down and tried to get honest with myself.  I came to the conclusion that I wasn't completely sure that I was going to transition, not out of questions about my gender identity but because of the challenges and potential losses.  I realized that she asked me to bring my family in on this.  It was sort of to challenge my own beliefs about how real this was for me, it worked.

I was out at breakfast when she txt so when I got home I drafted an e-mail to my brother and sister, then I called my wife.  I told her why I hadn't sent the e-mail and that part of my still hoped to be "cured by love", like Jennifer Boylan had wished in her book, "She's Not There".  My wife admitted that indeed her asking me to tell my brother and sister was a test of my own seriousness.  I told her about my "cured by love" theory but I could see how hard it is for her.  She is at a crossroads herself and needs to be clear about how real this is in order to move forward one way or the other.  Me telling her this is real isn't enough.  I owe her that much. 

I typed out a txt message to my brother and sister telling them there was an impt e-mail on the way and that I was here if they wanted to talk after they read it.  While I was on the phone with my wife I hit the "send" button first on the txt message and then on the e-mail.  I watched as the outbox on my e-mail software cleared the message, indicating that it was gone.  So that's it....I guess Laura is real.  I ended the call with my wife on sort of a somber note and told her I'd let her know what kind of response I got.

I went about finishing the laundry and ironing when my sister txt me and told me that she and my brother had just gotten home from church and would read the e-mail.  She then txt my brother and I and told him to sit down, but that I was safe.  A few minutes later he called and was amazing.  He's had his own challenges finding his path but is in a very good place at this point in his life.  He told me that I had given him the best news he's heard in a long time.  Almost 9 yrs ago he had been told some things by my kids that had made him suspicious and concerned.  Not necessarily about me being trans but what he was told were some of the earlier manifestations.  Now those things he knew, that I didn't know he knew, made sense to him.  While we were on the phone an e-mail came in from my sister who also expressed her support and love.  After the call ended there were several txt messages back and forth that expressed love and support. 

Perhaps because he's had his own serious life challenges, he is totally cool with accepting Laura as his sister.  My own sister expressed her love and support but understandably needs a little time to get her head fully around this.  She has two young daughters, my neices, and that complicates it for her.  She will work with me though about how to tell them.

Yes, scary times but so nice to have family support.  Now still scary times because my wife knows Laura is real....what will she do? I can only wait and wonder.

I am sincerely,

Laura Catherine