Journal Entry: 08/13/2011 - Coming Out

Coming out is a process. i first came out to my ex..dressed - made up and everything....don't know if she believed it or not, we were already separated and eventually divorced. i came to understand that i never truly loved her, married too young. Well after that i told my counselor (i was in counseling related to the divorce). She said that she did not feel best equipped to help me with my gender identity issues but would refer me to a colleague. When i went back to see her the next week i was less sure of myself and the therapist helped me understand that i was so desparate for the love of a woman that i was willing to become one. That made sense at the time and back in the closet i went.

It was not until years later, remarried...that i came out again....to my second wife who i love dearly. i can see now that she never did believe me, though i'd bring it up from time to time. i admit, often in a joking kind of way. i consider myself trans-lez and she has always said that she has no lesbian interests so it as hard to consider me seriously due to the unspoken impact on our marriage. i began to dress in womens underwear, mostly thongs, on a daily basis and she got used to that. i had manicures and pedicures from time to time, with clear polish, but still she never believed me. This was in part due to me telling her that it wasn't fair that women got all the nice clothes and treats like manicures and pedicures. i even got my toes done in french tips (llike they are now) but she still didn't believe i was trans...

Finally i got into counseling related to gender identity. i told my wife that i needed to sort myself out one waty or the other. i was really going as a pre-requisite to starting HRT. So the next person i came out to was my counselor.,....and then her husband who is also a counselor. it was odd telling people outside of my "circle" but also relatively safe as they were being paid to be supportive. :-)

Then it happened. i found a support group online.......was put in touch with someone local who invited me to a GLBT gathering. To my great suprise i actually went. What made it possible was that my wife was out of town visiting her kids for a few weeks. But, to be fair i sort of planned my coming out. i started buying more "outdoor" clothes, shoes and accessories. Even got my ears pierced 2 days after she left. So, i went to this GLBT thing, and then with another mtf trans that i met there to a BDSM munch. People were very nice and accepting and it gave me courage. when i missed my usual time to call my wife (i was on the way to the munch) she accused me of being with someone else (romantically) so i felt i had to come clean. i wanted to wait until she got back, to tell her face to face, but it was going to be too long. when i told her i had been out, it hit her....like a ton of bricks. Since then i have been to another GLBT gathering, a local gay bar (alone) and to a straight restaurant (alone).

This is me on my first time out at the glbt friendly coffee.

My wife has expeienced a range of emotions which is understandable...but the other day she told me that she wants to spend the rest of her life with me....as Laura or as the male she knows...either way as long as we are together.....made my heart melt.

I'm still not all the way out. My work, my kids, my siblings, parents....friends etc do not know....i am still in the process. i have started laser facial hair removal for my face and hormones are next....i will come out to those that need to know but maybe not to those who don't.

Whew...i wrote enough to have my story published. :-))

I am sincerely,

Laura Catherine