Ok. So, now I've decided to transition. I've come out to my boss at work .. necessary for an endo referral....and she is accepting and will be an advocate. I'm on the verge of coming out to my kids and the rest of my family. I've put myself on a one year timeline to be full time......no i'm depressed.
Who am I kidding....even with laser facial hair removed (2/9 sessions completed) and hormones I'm never going to look like a girl.....sometimes i feel like just giving up altogther...
The odd thing is that while i was moving though life, mildly depressed but funcitonal, life was tolerable. Now that i have put it altogether....put the pieces of the puzzle in place....after a period of complete euphoria that i couldn't have dreamed could exit....i am so depressed.....
Why does it have to be like this? I will have my endo referral next week. My HMO will pay at least for the intial visit and i can get my hormones for free. I should be as excited as a 5 y/o on Cristmas morning. So why am I depressed then?
I get made up, fix my hair....and i see is a guy with makeup and a wig. Do hormones really make that much difference? The way i see myself now i can't believe I've been out in public. I'm lucky I haven't been beaten to within an inch of my life by some asshole.......well that would have solved the problem then maybe.
I don't know what I'm saying here but from where i sit today, there are no good outcomes. If I don't transtion, knowing what i know, i am doomed for a life of missery. If I do transition but can't reasonably pass, i'm doomed for a life of lonliness and missery......doesn't look to good from where I sit.
Do hormones really make that much difference? And I'm writing this in a jouirnal rather than in a group discussion....so what's that all about?
Anyway....life goes on i guess,
I am sincerely,
Laura Catherine
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