Well i've finally come to a decision...........to transiton. I have come to see that it's really not a choice if i am to have any chance of peace and happiness in my life. I've tried to be happy with what i have as a boy; a job, family, loving wife, home and all the trappings....but it's just not enough in the end. In order to be happy I have to be who i am, my true self. I have decided to begin hormone treatment as soon as possible.
A complication has been that I work in the medical field and mny primary care physician (who must put referrals in for specialty care for my insurance to pay for it) works at the same hospital i do. Most of the time that is very convenient for me but it has been a complication in this case. Going to her would, in some ways, be coming out at work. To make matters worse, due to turnover she is new and I don't know her very well. What I deicded to do, and have done, is to go to the chief of the medical staff and ask for a referral to endocrinology. I planned to ask for such a referral without offering much of an explanation other than hormonal imbalance, but i prepared myself to come out to her if she asked more. I have worked closely with her, respect her greatly and believe I have earned her respect. Well I did this yesterday and it couldn't have gone better. She did inquire as to my reason for wanting the referral, afer agreeing to make it. I then just told her that i have Gender Identity Disorder and had decided to transition to female. I gave her a little bacground to go along with it and told her that I had no intention to transition at work unless the changes to my body made it impossible to hide. She offered that if i decided to change my mind and transition at work that I should come to her first and she would help me develop a plan and work with the other staff and committed to do her best to ensure sensitivity in their response. I went home on cloud 9, now just waiting for the referral to come to me so I can make my appointment. Last night i also decided that I do want to transition at work. I want to change my name, gender marker on my driver's license and passport and move towards being full time. It may be several months but I now know this is going to happen and I am scared and excited about the journey ahead. I bought my first human hair wig, have started growing my own hair out and have let my fingernails grow beyond the tips of my fingers. Sometimes I think i am going to jump out of my skin with excitement, confirming that this is the right decision for me.
I want to come out to the world. I want to tell my children and parents. My children will be shocked but I am confident in the end that they will be ok. My mom will be ok as will my sister and brother. I am worried about my dad though. My parents are 81yrs old and my dad esp is not in great health. His only sibling, my uncle, is dying and expected to live only a few days. He was just admitted to the hospital this week to find an agressive tumor in his liver. My dad's best friend in the world died this past saturday and he has outlived pretty much all of his friends. He does not deal with stress well, as strong as he is. He does not express his feelings but holds them inside and they eat him up. I am worried what my coming out would do to him and would hate to feel that I conributed to his death. My family lives in Massachusetts and I am in Florida. I will be flying home for Christmas and see this as an opportunity to come out. I have read, in True Selves, about how to go about this and thought about sending an e-mail a week or so ahead of time and then coming out in person when I arrive. I have a therapy appointment on Friday and will discuss this with my therapist along with asking for my letter for the endocrinologist (that she has already said she would write).
I have collected a nice little wardrobe, including some winter clothes including boots, sweaters and a jacket. Even in Florida it gets chilly in the winter. I have moved some of my male clothes into a spare bedroom closet to make more room for Laura's clothes. I figure the next step will be to get rid of them altogether. All that's left in my closet are the male clothes I wear to work...for now anyway.
My lovely wife is working so hard to deal with the idea of my transition. I have no doubt that she loves me and has recommitted to staying together. I know there is no guarantee as there will be more adjustments for her to make as my body changes and then as I ultimately become a female full time. For now though, I couldn't ask more from her. We have been out as Laura and Lynda numerous times and she seems to be able to enjoy herself when we are out. She has only been willing to go to a local gay/lesbian bar and has not yet been ready to go with me to vanilla places but I am trying to let her go at her own place as many have encouraged me to do.
Anyway, it feels very freeing to have finally come to this decision. I want to personally express my thanks to all who have been supportive and encouaging. I think you know who you are. It has been extremely helpful as you have helped me to explore my inner feelings and come to this extremely important and life changing decision.
I am sincerely,.
Laura Catherine
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