Journal Entry: 06/03/2012 - Good News/Bad News

So a day of mixed emotions.  First, my direct boss, a psychologist, wanted to talk with me this morning about some clinic matters.  When we were done I, very unexpectedly, told her that I had some news that may knock her socks off.  She listened with concern and said, "You're not leaving are you?".  Now you have to understand that I am one of the key leaders in our clinic and was first in charge when she was deployed and our psychiatrist had move on to another assignment.  I was in charge from Jan - Oct 2011 and we had major inspections in December and January, earning perfect scores on both.  Not to say that was all me but I did have a key role in those results.  I was also just named the civilian supervisor of the year for the entire hospital.  The point here is not to blow my own horn but to explain why she relies on me, trusts my experienced and knowledge and respects me.  So, she was concerned I might be moving on to another job.  I told her no and she looked a little relieved, but was waiting and listening intently for what I was about to tell her.  So after thinking for a minute about how to tell her, I started with the fact that I had been struggling with something for my entire life but only came to realize it since this past summer.  I then went on to tell her that I was transgendered, specifically transsexual.  I told her that I have been in therapy since April, on hormones since December and am in the middle of laser facial hair removal.  I told her that I want to transition completely and have been living full time as a woman on weekends for months.  I told her that I was concerned about my job, even though the federal government has protections against discrimination again transgendered individuals and even has established procedures to reconstruct a personnel file.  She was surprised to find I was concerned about my job and restated my value to this clinic.  After talking with her I found myself wondering why I was concerned about my job.  Probably because so many others have lost theirs.  I told her that I have an appointment with civilian personnel on Thursday to talk with them and that our Squadron Commander should be next, followed by the hospital Commander.  She assured me she would be supportive and felt that the staff would be accepting as well.  I showed her a couple of my more recent pictures and she even said she thought I was beautiful.  :-)  When I showed her the one that is my profile on here, and on facebook, her first remark was, "Wow".  She also said, as others have, that I look really happy.  Well I am, when I am Laura and enough people have noticed it so it must be true.  As far as my patients, she agreed that they should have the choice of continuing with me or transferring to another therapist.  So, anyway, that's done and I was in a good mood all day, feeling another important step had been taken.

Now the not so good news.  By the time my wife got home from work I had finished spraying the weeds in our flower beds, fed the dogs, emptied the dishwasher, taken out the trash and prepared the salad to go with our dinner.  I had a cup of tea waiting for her when she walked in the door.  Now I do get home earlier than she does and she was particularly late tonight.  It's not unusual for me to do these type of things before she gets home.  I let her have her tea and sit down and relax for a bit before I told her that I had told my boss and that she was supportive.  We both had been worried about my job and she had asked me to keep it out of my work.  I never agreed to but when I didn't she felt as though I took no notice of what she had asked of me.  It's just so hard to explain this in a way to anyone, in a way that would make any sense.  Heck, it doesn't make sense to me most of the time.  Anyway, she wasn't happy at all.  I know she is worried and I understand that.  I know she feels that she cannot be married to a woman because the idea of it just doesn't fit her experience.  I also know that she loves the person inside this body and I still believe that if she gives us a chance, we will be ok.  I sure hope so.

I guess the answer to my last journal entry about whether transition is a choice or not is, no, it's not a choice.  In spite of what I have to lose, I am just compelled to go through with this.  I found the change of name forms from the clerk of courts on the Internet and forwarded them home to begin working on them.  It will take a little while as I have to do some research on places that I lived when I was little and some other parts.  I have to have a local and national criminal background check done, fingerprints, file the forms, get a court date and then can get my name changed.  It's March 6th.  My driver's license expires on my birthday in June.  I'm setting a personal goal to try and get this done by then.  I don't know if it's possible but to change my name after I get my new license is not a big deal.  Next is to talk with my endocrinologist about what it will take her to write a letter stating that I have undergone sufficient medical treatment to complete my transition.  I hope she doesn't require surgery.  I've printed the Florida DMV and US State Dept passport policies (they are the same) and will bring them to my next appointment a week from tomorrow.  I have a feeling that once things start rolling they will go quite fast. 

The obstacles are falling by the wayside one after the other.  My siblings, my kids, my work...there are not many, if any, important ones left.....except my wife.  I love her dearly and truly hope we can survive my transition.  So, for today, that's the good news and the bad news.

I am sincerely,

Laura Catherine