My Angel

My Angel,

My angel was heaven sent. Some say turn it over, let go - let God. Then there is talk of a master plan, a higher power, all loving and all knowing....yet sight unseen. That is faith my friends, most tested at times of greatest challenge. Well perhaps there are not many greater challenges in life that of a transgender person in transition. Well I am here to tell you, have faith....there are angels amongst us.

My angel was sent with purpose, assigned a specific mission. She was sent for me to fall in love with. To fall for completely, off the deep end into the dark depths of the heart and soul that many people never experience. She came at a time and place most unexpected and appeared before me, a lovely blonde haired apparition that simply reached out with a smile so warm, so inviting, so mesmerizing that I simply opened my heart, without question, and place it so willingly at her feet. She took good care of it, ensuring that the last threads of caution dissolved into a pile of dust falling behind us on the earth as we walked hand-in-hand through life, forever....or not.

No, this angel's mission, it's true, was to save my heart and soul, but not in the manner that I assumed. She was to make her way so deep into my heart that I could think of little else. I needed her like one needs air. Once accomplished and I was sufficiently vulnerable, He took her away from me, over and over and over again. Well my free will surprised even Him, that the depth of my love for her would allow me to hold my breath for days and weeks at a time when we were apart. But there was work to be done and He would not give up. So he took her away again, and again, and for longer periods....6 months of a single year and I waivered, but again my will persisted. Too soon though another year was upon me, facing another year with being alone for half of it. Finally I caved, gave up, cried uncle, began to turn it over.....and came to either find myself or completely and irretrievably turn to dust.

So I found myself, looking into the mirror one day and seeing what I had somehow blinded myself to for so long, the female version of me. And so it began, the days of the joys and angst of self discovery, all the while watching the tears of my angel as she recognized that her mission was coming to an end, a bit like Nanny McPhee. As I moved along the path of my journey of transition the ties that bound us began to slowly dissolve.....until one day, just another time apart, it would be different.....this time she wouldn't come back, except briefly to check on me with her own eyes and to say goodbye....tears would flow, hers and mine, then and now, as letting go, no matter how necessary it may be, is difficult if not seemingly impossible some days. But I was stronger, having been forced to find myself or die. Even so, I would resist, but my resolve was weakening. Like it or not I was beginning to see that I could stand on my own, and take a few steps towards independence.

I would venture out, not straying far from home at first but then farther as confidence grew. I was tasting the grapes of life for the first time, through clear lenses. There were successes and failures but in spite of the fear, I was able to recover from each. And then she was gone...silence from beyond the deep blue waters that separated us.

Then, just when it seemed I would drift, forever alone.....the second phase of His plan was put into action. He would send her human counterpart and I would recognize her instantly. My heart would immediately open, as if conditioned to the common features...those parts of my angel that I loved so much, shining through the morning mist to guide the way. The image took shape, finally, and clarity was achieved.

My angel, my Lynda was heaven sent to heal me, and then set me free so that I could be ready for my Linda to come into my life when I was ready. The similarities between the angel and the person were incredulous as is the most prominent difference. While my Lynda had reason to leave me, repeatedly, Linda does not. Both are gorgeous, strong and packed with worldly good sense. They are honest, genuine and loving. Yes, my Lynda's mission was to prepare me for my Linda.

In heartfelt sincerity and a degree of sadness that I will carry with me forever, thank you. You are the woman that touched my heart and let me feel what true love is, becoming the first woman that I would truly love....preparing me as it were for Linda....the last woman I will ever love. Be well my Lynda, for I will never forget you. I truly hope that you find the blissful happiness that should come your way for the years of your life that you gave to me, so that I could find that very same blissful happiness.

Lots of love,
Laura xx

Who get to take the blindfold off?

Who gets to take the blindfold off?

 

I was on the treadmill just now and sort of watching Covert Affairs on TV. I've seen it before but not enough to know the characters by name...but the blonde girl is really hot...but i digress. There is one guy on the show that is blind, or nearly anyway. well on the show he was giving a girl a glimpse into his world. He put a blindfold on her and helped her walk the sidewalk in DC. They got to an intersection and with a lot of help from him she managed to cross the street without getting killed. When she got onto the sidewalk and was safely accross she pulled the blindfold off and with a big smile she looked at him and said, "I did it!". Just then it hit her...he doen't get to take the blindfold off.

Welcome to our world, those of us who have transitioned and to those who will. Once you transition, you don't get to take the blindfold off. On bad hair days you don't get to be a boy....when you're makeup just doesn't look right, you don't get to be a boy. Transition, for better of worse, is just that. Living your life as the gender you identify with, not the sex you were born with, 24/7/365.

Transitioning isn't easy, but we don't want the sympathy of others. It just burns some of us when a CD/TV trys to tell us they know what it's like, what we're going through, or how to do it. Sorry, but you don't know, can't know, because you can take the blindfold off whenever you want. That doesn't make us better, or worse....just one more way to recognize our differences. CD/TV's want us to recognize them, fair enough....but please don't demean us and try and tell us you know how we feel or what we've been through. If you did, you'd be TS.

Transitioning isnt easy.... but I wouldn't have it anyother way.

Laura

Reality Bites...Part II

So I return to blogging to help avoid being too personal on Facebook.   I know I won't get the feedback here that I get on FB but blogging helped though tough times before so maybe it will again.

Tough times....hmmm.....they come on like the wind, meaning my mood changes like the weather.  I felt really good earlier, finished my last laser treatment and instead of coming home and putting on my nightgown I put on a pair of shorts and a tee shirt...then the fog set in and my mood dropped.  I won't even write here some of my darkest thoughts but suffice to say I am discouraged.  Why?  I have had a very successful and relatively easy transition.  My insurance pays for my endocrinologist and I get my  hormones and lab work done on base for free.  My job is safe and my co-workers and patients have accepted me, I still have my home and I am making friends...I really have nothing to complain about.....then why am I so very sad so much of the time?

Well that was a rhetorical question.  I know why I am sad so much of the time. I get my batteries recharged by being around people.  I so look forward to the end of the work day and then the work week....then I come home to an empty house.  I need love in my life, and I had it....and then I through it away.  Was it really worth it Laura?  Hardly matters because it is what it is.  I am a freak with mixed parts. Caught in 'no man's land' between man and woman....the land of the lost it seems.  I listen to my friends on facebook....they, like I did, get excited by small victories, like being referred to as their identified gender.  Not to minimize the importance of that, I still get that little boost when it happens.  On the other hand, most of them are alone...so what chance do I have.

Yes, reality bites...part II.

Telling Dad

This is the e-mail I sent my dad:

(edited and sent on 16 February 2013)

Dad,

Well as I said in my text, Paul informed me that mom had shared my big and albeit shocking news. First, there is more I want to tell you that I could never put in an e-mail. People write novels about their journeys (as we call it). If you want to read a really good one, and the first book I read on this subject, try “She’s Not There” by Dr Jennifer Finney Boylan. Dr Boylan is an English professor at Colby College in New Hampshire and her book is about her journey. I have come to learn that while the specifics are different, the general theme for all of us is the same. Early childhood indicators, years of attempting to repress our feelings, dysphoria for ‘no apparent reason’, certain degrees of success while apparently leading a ‘normal’ life, some period (often years) of consternation about ‘coming out’ and then anxieties and fears about everything from losing family, jobs, homes etc to being actually able to blend into society without ridicule and embarrassment to medical worries and the rather huge financial cost.....many, if not most of us, never make it all the way. I am one of the few that did. You always did say that if you were going to do something, do it right.... well I assure you....I did this as right as anything I’ve ever done; and once my decision was made, it came very easily, though not without my share of worry.

Ok, time to spell it out. I am, in general, transgendered. More specifically, transsexual. Transgender is an umbrella term covering all sorts of gender issues from closeted cross-dresses to transvestites/drag queens to transsexuals. There is much confusion in society about the differences between transsexuals and transvestites; sort of like psychologists vs psychiatrists. Those that know anything about medicine know the fundamental difference between a psychiatrist and psychologist is that the psychiatrist has been to medical school. Well the fundamental difference between a transsexual and transvestite is gender dysphoria. That is to say an emotionally disturbing emotional incongruence between our biological sex and our gender identity. Also, transvestites are typically gay men that are happy to be men but like portraying women in a role. Some do this professionally as Drag Queens. Transsexuals are not happy at all with their biological sex and often strive to change it to more closely resemble their gender identity. While there is currently serious debate about where this fits into the medical world, currently I have a mental disorder called Gender Identity Disorder (according to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual (DSM-IV) of Mental Disorders. In the DSM V it will be called simply Gender Dysphoria. Many would have it moved completely from the mental health disorders to a medical disorder, likely one of the endocrine system. Research has found that the only effective treatment is to transition to the identified gender. While counseling throughout transition maybe helpful to deal with the fallout, transition only initially requires mental health services to rule out other co-morbid conditions and then the treatment is all medical....for most of us endocrine treatment involving introduction of high doses of estrogen while including an antiandrogen to block the production of testosterone. The results, over a period of several years, is a gradual feminization of the body. For some, $$$ is often the key barrier, gender reassignment surgery (or more crudely a sex change operation) is accomplished. While even with surgery, once it has been completed, it is complete, hormone treatment continues throughout life. Thus the reason that, as the primary treatment is of the endocrine system, the belief that this is where this condition should be classified.

Now for a bit of my journey. I’ll start with a couple of childhood memories and then jump quickly to my current state. I remember in probably 3rd or 4th grade, so 8-9 yrs old, asking mom for a pair of girls tights. I wanted them, to wear, more than you could imagine. I must have known something was off by this request because when mom asked me why, I told her to keep my legs warm...she bought me boys long johns. I also distinctly remember, around the same age, telling mom that I thought I was supposed to be a girl. I remember wanting a GI Joe (I really wanted a Malibu Barbie but knew there was no way) but you would never buy me one....the persistent argument being that GI Joe was a doll and dolls were for girls. Really? I laugh now but really? How many GI Joes do you think were sold, and how many of those do you think were sold to girls. That tells me that you saw something wrong in me and tried to correct it in the best way you knew how. Around that same time, I think the summer after we moved to Roberta Rd, I road my bike everyday to Shelia Egan’s house. She lived on lower Oswald Ave and I had known her at Stearns. We used to play girl games like hopscotch or with her dolls. I remember one day her dad came out and said that I should be playing with boys, and suggested her younger brother Eric....I don’t think I ever went back there. It makes me sad to think about because she was a really good friend. I’d love to track her down and tell her my story but she is probably married and living who knows where. Anyway...they were some of the early indicators....looking back. Seems there was also some talk about taking me to a therapist when I was young but it never came about, that I remember. Growing up with the kids on Eleanor Rd was easy because boys and girls all did the same things. Gender didn’t make much difference. The girls played football and the boys played bridge. When dating started it was always very awkward for me. I didn’t think like the other boys. I was attracted to women, or wanted to be around them and have never been attracted to men. I think what I wanted was to be in the inner circle of women...in their space. But, even when you are dating a girl, you are still outside their world...so it was never enough. Cranwell was, well....just say I looked forward to Fridays when the girls from Miss Halls came to use our science labs. Dating in college wasn’t very fruitful but then I met Cheryl when I was home that first summer from Purdue. As with most girls I had dated, I wanted to marry them by the second date. Hence I scared everyone off but managed not to do that with her. She was pretty and we were good friends, though I don’t know if I loved her romantically. But it didn’t matter. My plan was to be married and I was. Whether it was to always be able to be around women or to help suppress my dysphoria and ‘do what boys do’ (get married and have kids) it’s hard to tell now. But in any case It did. I remember mom telling Cheryl, before our wedding, that I could be cold. That hurt when I heard she had said that but, she was right. I really didn’t feel anything unless a situation was intense. What I did was to quickly analyze a situation, determine the appropriate emotion and then the behavior that would have been consistent with that emotion, and behave accordingly. It was quite an act and, for the most part, I pulled it off. It was really tiring though.

Twenty years of active duty helped further suppress the female side of me but as retirement loomed and the internet bloomed, I began to let myself explore, especially after arriving here in 1998. It started innocently but eventually I found myself expressing my female side on the internet, in chat rooms primarily. There was some pornography involved, though that wasn’t the main point, that’s just what others saw and led to my separation and divorce from Cheryl. In the end though, the primary goal was to portray a female role within the perceived anonymity of the internet. I was in counseling after we separated (this was in 2002) and at one point, came to the conclusion that I was transsexual. I even remember that Cheryl was visiting me at the house on base (until 2003 the plan was always to get back together), I think in the fall of 2002, and I told her. I even dressed in female clothing to show her. I don’t remember her particular reaction but it wasn’t horror. Well I told my therapist but learned that this was a specialized area and she didn’t feel comfortable treating me but offered to refer me to a friend. We had talked about how much I wanted the love of a woman, someone to hug and hold hands with. Well at that time I had zero support. You didn’t even know yet I was separated, my girls didn’t want to talk with me, I was retiring from the AF with no good plan after and no idea how to go about the world as a transsexual. Heck, I didn’t even know how to be a single boy let alone a single transsexual. Well the following week I went back to my therapist with tons of doubt. She reminded me that she was no expert but suggested that maybe I wanted the love of a woman so badly, I was willing to become one. Well, I’ll tell you, that sounded a whole lot better than being transsexual so I bought it, and my feelings subsided....for a while. But, like throughout my life, they came back. I married Lynda in 2003 and felt ‘normal’ again for a bit, but within a few months my feelings were back. Over the course of our marriage I gradually began expressing my female side more and more....underwear, shaving my legs, then chest and arms, girls jeans, shorts and a pair of pants when we used to go dancing in England. Still I didn’t accept that I was transsexual, I just liked girls clothes. But, no matter how much of my feminine side I got to express, it wasn’t enough. I remember in England, at work during quiet times, researching the various sexual disorders trying to figure myself out. A couple of years ago I even researched self castration....though learning that there was no safe way to do that. Well my feelings became stronger and stronger and during times Lynda was back in England, I was back on the internet expressing my female side. I felt quite ashamed about this as I love her very much, but felt it was wrong. Over the past few years I told Lynda, in a joking way as to test the waters, that I thought I was supposed to be a girl. Over more time, my feelings grew until April 2011 when they were becoming overwhelming and I told Lynda I was going to go to counseling to figure them out and what to do about them. She went back to England in May for 3 months. By early July (a couple of weeks before she was due to come back), with the aid of counseling, I came to accept that I was transsexual...had Gender Identity Disorder. I had met another, local trans girl on the internet and she convinced me to come out (dressed) to a coffee shop in downtown Melbourne. Thursday evenings they have a gathering of lesbian, gay, bi, and transgendered persons (LGBT )...and I did. I will never forget the feeling of standing on the sidewalk talking with another trans girl in a jean skirt, heels and a female top...I described it later as having let the genie out of the bottle, and she didn’t want to go back in. Well Lynda wasn’t pleased but worked with me, came to a couple of counseling visits and even went out with me (I called myself Rachael initially just because I liked the name). Over the next few months I became more and more confident as no one had ever said anything to embarrass me. I was meeting, mostly on Facebook, other girls like me and many had cute stories about their names so I decided I needed to pick a name that had meaning for me. I decided, out of respect for you and the name you gave me, I wanted to keep my same initials. Someone had suggested picking a name popular when I was born, rather than now. Well again to the internet to look for popular girls names from 1955. Well there were not many L C combinations that worked and Laura Catherine just jumped out at me. So that’s what I started using. On December 13, 2011...via prescription from an Endocrinologist, I took my first estrogen tablets and the anti-androgen. By then I had done considerable research and was pleased with my prescriptions. I had obtained the referral from the Chief of the Medical Staff at the base hospital, who was terrific. My plan was to live my life as a boy during the work week and transition to living as Laura on weekends. It was great at first but over time the dysphoria during the work week became overwhelming and I knew I needed more. I needed to transition to living my life full time as Laura. Again, with the aid of the internet, I was able to learn that while federal employees were protected from discrimination for race, sex, age, religion etc....in 2010 the rules were modified to include gender identity. So, with the research in hand, I went to my boss and told her..she was great, supportive and gave me a big hug. From there we went to our Squadron Commander and he was also supportive. Finally to our hospital Commander who was nothing less than amazing. A female Colonel from Kenya, but raised in England, she gave me lots of time to talk, gave me a big hug and immediately drove across base to tell our Wing Commander, a Brigadier General. Well that was the last time I had to explain myself on base. The General made it clear that if he heard of anyone giving me a hard time he would be happy to meet with them in person...what support. I did of course tell my office staff who were also supportive. I am friends with some senior social work officers that I 'had served with and they are in some high leadership roles at HQ AF and across the world. Again, an amazing response. Finally came my patients. This was my most humbling professionally. Every patient, all given the choice, elected to continue with me after transition....almost made me cry (which I do a lot easier these days).

On April 18, 2012 (a year to within a day to my first counseling session) I went to court and changed my name, which is now, legally, Laura Catherine Perry. Lynda had given me a pant suit to wear and my supervisor (a Major, psychologist) came with me. It all went down without a glitch. There were seemingly endless documents and records to change but everyone had a process and I had done the prep work in advance. Social security, DMV, banks, military records – retired and DoD civilian ID, college records (had to order new diplomas to display in my office), professional license etc. It was fun though and I’ve gotten 99% of it done. Within a few weeks, with a letter from my Endocrinologist, I was able to get another new drivers license but this one has a female gender marker. I also have a passport in my legal name and a female gender. This is how we went to the Bahamas over 4th of July week this year, as Laura and Lynda (paid for by Lynda). Now I have been on hormones for just over 14 months and the physical changes to my body are in evidence. I have completed 18 months of laser facial hair removal and recently started electrolysis to remove the white hairs on my face that the laser didn’t get. I am tentatively looking at using some of my 401K money to pay for gender reassignment surgery, sometime in the next year....to the tune of about 20k.

Over the course of time I told others close to me. Paul and Judi were first of the family, guinea pigs if you will. Well when they took it well, Jennifer and Heather were next. After taking some time to absorb it, they have been great. Heather and I have been out together and I spent New Years in Mobile with Jennifer and her husband. Mom was next, after talking with Judi and Paul extensively. We all decided we would leave it to mom if/when/how you would find out. The only concern was for your health and no other reason. Between your emphysema and cardiac problems we were concerned about the possible result of such news. From what Paul has told me, you’ve been pretty calm thus far...so that’s good.

I even ‘came out’ to my Cranwell class via a Facebook group. Every responder from my class and others has been great as well. I kid them that I am probably the only girl that every graduated from there. But, that may not be true as there could well have been others like me, maybe even from your class.

This is the reason I didn’t come home for Christmas or Thanksgiving. I don’t look like a boy anymore and you would have known something was up, even without hair and boys clothes. If for no other reason than my eyebrows, eyeliner and lip liner are tattooed. (paid for by Lynda)

As you I’m sure surmised..things between Lynda and I are hard. I know she loves me but not sure she can live with me as a woman. Her kids all know and the ones I talk with, via Facebook, just want her to be happy. She extended her stay to try and figure out what she wants to do but really won’t know until she gets back and sees me, April 28th. She left on August 1st to attend Sarah’s wedding. I miss her terribly but have made a couple of girlfriends that I go out with on weekends and play a lot of golf so I am doing ok.

I could go on but my carpal tunnel is starting to act up so I’ll wrap it up.

No one would go though this for fun...we go through it, potentially losing everything and everyone close to us, only because the alternative becomes unbearable at some point.

I imagine you have questions, if not now then in time. I do want you to know I am happy, happier with myself than I ever thought was possible. Yes, I miss Lynda terribly and it will be a terrible loss if we split. On the other hand, as I love myself for the first time in my life, I am ok on my own and I know I will find someone that will love me for who I really am. I feel a whole range of feelings now and understand what it feels like to really live.

I would love to come home and see everyone, when everyone is ready to see me. I can send pictures when you are ready to see what I look like, Paul has several. You will still recognize me, I’m not wearing a mask. I just look more like the female version of myself.

Please know I love you and this has no reflection on you. I have come to see I was born this way and thank you for all of the opportunities you gave me. What I accomplished as a boy was only possible because of you and the life you and mom provided me.

I know this must be a hard thing for a parent to hear and to adjust to, especially because of my age. Well, while kids are ‘coming out’ younger and younger (see the article in the Eagle today), mid to late 40’s was the norm in my generation. I was 47 in 2002...If I wasn’t going through such turmoil at the time I may well have done it back then. Anyway, I know this is hard but I’m glad you know. This ‘secret’ has created a certain distance between us that I don’t like. Now that it’s out in the open I hope we can communicate more often.

With all the love in my heart,

Laura xxx

PS: Now you can understand those occasional slip ups with Laura’s IPhone or Laura in my email address. I didn’t always remember to change everything before I responded to you.

 

Losses that Outweigh the Gains

I hate to be writing this entry but I have to tell someome.  If you are listening, I'm sorry to burden you....you might just want to stop reading here.

So it looks like it's over.  No, the final bell has not rung but the gong is beginning to strike.  My marriage to the only woman I've ever loved is coming to an end because of my selfishness.  She asked me, no...she begged me not to go through with my transition, but I didn't listen. All I thought about was myself, my own happiness, without really considering the impact on her.  I knew the data on marriages survining transition, and it's not good.  The few that make it do so involve older people and out of love.  Well my beloved and I are 57 so I figured we had the older part down.   On top of that we loved each other so I convinced myself that we were going to be the exception.....we were exceptional people afterall.  We are educated, financially stable and international travelers.  We were to become international snow-birds at retirement, spending summers in England and winters in Florida.  Yes, we had it all figured out.  I was even looking for a government job back in England so she could be nearer her family.   I kept telling everyone how great she was being.  I mean she gave me the pant suit I wore to court on the day I changed my name and became Laura Catherine.  She paid hundreds of dollars for us to get permanent makeup for eyebrowns, eyeliner and lipliner.    As I think about de-transitioning I know the pain that will be involved to erase those tattoos. I have decided that I will do just that though if it means I can keep her in my life.  Even as I offer that it seems it's too late.

No..the love of my life, my true soul mate...is slipping through my fingers like sands through an hour-glass....and so are the days of our lives.  At 57, my life moving forward is empty, with no direction and no meaning.  I wanted it all, and wound up with nothing.  I gambled, and lost, more than I could afford.  No, life as I knew it, life as I saw it....is over.  Where I go from here is nowhere....all I see is darkness and loneliness and a life of misery.  I wonder if it's all even worth it. 

I had my chance.....I was one of the lucky ones to actually find, by a pure act of serendipiosity, the one I was supposed to be with....and I thew it away like it was a bowl full of marbles and I could just reach in and pick out another one.  Not this time, she is one of a kind.....life as I know it is over..... when I look at the life I will have I see darkness, emptiness and loneliness.  Lonliness....my greatest fear and I brough it all on myself.


Anyone have a big rock I could crawl under and drift off into a deep sleep?



I was sincerely,

Laura Catherine

A powerful piece....not written by me

Have the tissues ready.

holding on

I am sincerely,
Laura Catherine

Journal Entry: 07/21/2012 - Long Overdue Update

Ok, so I've gotten lazy about writing since my transition. Well maybe that's not entirely true.  Since becoming fully "out" and with no need to "hide" I have been posting thoughts on Facebook, reducing the need and personal value of writing here.  So why am I writing here now?  Good question.  #1: I'm feeling a need to write here and #2: Mea has been great about keeping in contact but I've not been nearly as good at keeping her up to date on my status.  So, this is a long overdue update.

To re-cap, I transitioned to living full time as Laura Catherine simultaneously with undergoing my legal name change on April 18, 2012.  It was an anxious but exciting period but after 3 months, just being myself everyday is becoming routine.  My confidence is quite high and still without being "made" in public, my concerns about "passing" or "blending in" are rapidly fading.  I do miss the excitement of transitioning on weekends but on the other hand, waking up as myself everyday is, well, priceless.

I didn't read through and don't remember the details of my prior entries so if I repeat something, well to be honest...so what? It's my journal. :-)  My lovely wife paid a good sum of money to the owners of the nail shop that we use to get "permanent makeup". So what is that?  Simply a tatto0 in places that makeup would normally go.  So, first we got eyebrows done, which also served to level mine and look much better.  On another visit for nails the owner made us an offer to have lips and eyeliner done that was just too good to pass up so those are done too.  Yes, all of this hurts as any tattoo would.  Eyebrows were bad enough and lips a little worse.  But the eyes? OMG....we are talking about paying someone to still a needle in your eye 10 thousand times.  It would be bad enough if you were kidnapped, held against your will and restrained so that the torture could be inflicted.  But, to pay someone good money and go through this voluntarily is well...enough to question one's sanity.  I may well be insane, I have gone from appearing to the world as a male to appearing to the world as a female.  My lovely wife though has no such excuse.....but then again maybe living with has driven her insane.....that is a very real possibility.  Now for the best part, each of these "tattoos" needs to be done in two visits.  Basic and then "touch up" once the first session has healed.  Well "touch up" appears a misnomer as it's worse than the first time.  I know understand how genetic women could undergo childbirth more than once.  While you can remember intellectually that something hurt, you forget the physical sensation....until, that is, that needle (or first contraction?) hits your skin and it all comes flooding back.  You're trapped tough because you know that if you jerk, that needle could well go astray and tattooing my eyeball was not part of the deal. So, now it's done and I like the outcome.  A little mascara and my eyes are done (with a little coordinating eyeshadow sometimes).  If I'm going "clubbing" I may add a little bottom eyeliner for more of an effect, but really don't need to. Here is a picture to try and show what this looks like but eyebrows will be the most noticeable....esp if you compare some earlier pictures.

"Permanent Eyebrow Makeup"

Ok, so what is next....I do have to say that, especially in view of the horror stories that are out there of people losing their jobs, homes, families etc, my transition was about as easy as it could get.  People at work (I am a Dept of Defense civilian, working for the AF) were amazing.  That's not just my co-workers either.  I have been with the AF, as a social worker, for nearly 30 yrs.  (This includes 20 yrs of being active duty).  In  my capacity I know lots of people and interact with everyone from the General that runs the base I work on to people in the AF Surgeon General's office and patients.  Everyone has been great.  Any naysayers out there have been silent, if they exist.  Ok, so they have to be nice because gender identity is a category protected against discrimination along with face, sex, religion etc.  But my patients, ones I had before transition and ones I've gained since then, have a choice...and everyone last one, old and new, has chosen to remain with me.  I don't know if new ones know that I am TS or not, though I expect some do.  Either way, they have stayed with me. Lucky for them actually because since unloading my "secret" onto the world, I have become a much better therapist.  It's like now that my mind is not cluttered with anxiety and conflict over a gender identity that does not match my presentation to the world, it is free to focus on other parts of life.  I am also much more aware of my feelings which translates to patients feeling more empathy from me.  So work is good.  My kids have accepted me and my youngest daughter and I (she lives locally) have been out together for dinner and a local club.  Had a great time.  I'm going to drive to Alabama to visit my oldest daughter over the Labor Day weekend.

So what else is new.  My wife and I took a weekend trip to Florida's Gulf Coast (It's much more lively and to us, better than on our Atlantic coast).  This was over the memorial day weekend so only about 6 weeks into my transition.  I was a little nervous about going outside of my comfort zone but needed to for my own growth.  Again, all went well, including sunbathing on the beach in a 2 piece bikini.  Another milestone.

First time in a bikini

Well I want to get this published so I'll stop here.  Maybe tomorrow I'll write about our Cruise.  :-)

I am sincerely,



Laura Catherine xx

Journal Entry: 05/03/2012 - For Mea: Transiton Complete

This journal entry is especially written for my friend Mea who has closely followed my journey and provided me with support, encouragement and courage.  Thank you Mea.  I hope you have some understanding of the value you played in my journey.

On April 18th 2012 I legally became Laura Catherine P*****.  My supervisor from work had come with me and I was a nervous as one could be.  I don't know what I imagined could go wrong but it was a big...no huge day...as I was giving up a name and identity that I had lived with for the better part of 57 yrs.  Well in the end, all went without a hitch and it seems as soon as it began, it was over, and I was legally Laura Catherine P*****.  I have to say that I love seeing my name in print, hearing it being said and signing it.  So few of us get to pick our names and I really love mine.  Over the next few days I update my social security card, obtained a new driver's license, my personnel record at work, ID card for work and my retired military ID.  Then there were also bank records, college records, professional license and many other places to change my name.  I'm nearly done but I can't get complacent as there are a few more to go.  While I had a new legal name and appearance, I was still legally a male.  Well that all changed on May 2, 2012.  Armed with a letter with very specific language from my medical provider I headed to the DMV and was, as the rules allowed, able to change my gender marker to female.  Later that same day my application for my new passport was in the mail.  As Florida actually adopted the rules for gender change that the State Dept put into place in 2010, there is no doubt that my passport will come back in my current, legal name, current appearance and with a female gender.  Yes, now I am legally a woman.  I also began living and working full time as a female on the afternoon of the 17th of April and I can tell you, it's better than I could have imagined.  The reception at work has been amazing and I am happier beyond belief.

My day in court.  :-)

So, that's it.  Transition complete.  My journey goes on though as my body will continue to change and I can consider surgery next year.  But now it's just time to live and enjoy life every day.

I cannot promise that I will continue to make journal entries and if I do, they will likely be far between and focused on significant events.  There was a time that writing was therapeutic but now that I am living full time I have more support than I could have dreamed of and the writing does not have the same impact it once did.  That's why this entry is titled; "For Mea" as it's really written for you, more than for me.

Please do stay in touch, you have my email address.  If you ever get on facebook, look me up.  :-)

I am sincerely,

Laura Catherine

Journal Entry: 04/01/2012 - Magna Cum Update

Well it's been a while since I've written.  Not because there has been no news, but because I've been busy or lazy. :-)  I'll try and provided a run down of the events in the order they happened.  Anyway, the news.......

Well now that the higher ups on the base were in the loop, it was time to tell my colleagues.  I got most of them in a weekly staff meeting and the few others individually in the day or two following.  I guess I shouldn't be surprised anymore but I continue to be humbled by the outpouring of support I receive and again am thrilled about the concern for my wife.

So, last time I had told my friend, Michelle, a Major in the AF Surgeon General's office about my transition.  Well I was next able to track down her boss, an active duty friend of many years, on business in England.  I told her pretty much the same story I've told everyone, letting her know that in the past year I have come to understand something I had struggled with my whole life and I now know that I am transsexual and embrace my female self.  Like all of the others she listened, responded with undying support, commended my courage and asked about my wife.....once again, another step and all was still right with the world.

Next was Michelle's boss, a Lt Colonel, who I have also known for years.  It took a couple of days of phone tag but I finally got her at her home in San Antonio.  Same conversation, same result.  Extremely supportive, commended my courage and asked about my wife.  Seems most of the hard work was done.

Well back to work the following week, waiting to hear about a court date.  I had been told the background check takes about a week so I waited impatiently through the week of the 19th of March and finally broke down and called on Friday the 23rd.  I was able to learn that my background check was done the day after the fingerprints were taken but there is not system to let me know.  It's up to me to check with the clerk.  So I anxiously called the Judge's chambers as I had been instructed, my heart beating a mile a minute, just knowing I was about to get a court date.....another majorly important date in my young life as a girl.  I say girl and not woman thought because I am indeed going through puberty and feel more like a girl than a woman.  Anyway, onto the call.  Bam! The clerk was out of the office until the following Tuesday, the 27th.  I had a trip to DC, leaving on the 28th and I wanted my date before I left.  It took several tries of still getting the voicemail of the clerk stating she was out of the office until Tuesday....which was today, but eventually I got through.  We had a pleasant conversation, I told her why I was changing my name (probably to get a read on whether I was the judge's first such case) but she didn't flinch and we chatted for several minutes as she brought up his calendar.  I was expecting a couple of months wait, hoping to make it by my birthday in June so my next driver's license would have Laura's name on it.  Well imagine my surprise when she offered April 18th!  Three short weeks from tomorrow.  I excitedly accepted and nearly burst out of my office to tell my colleagues.  Wow!  Wow!  Wow!  I've got a lot to do to get ready....surely there must be somethings to do.  Oh yes, get the last bit of paperwork together, look over the list of those who need to know I changed my name so they can change me in their systems, and shop for work clothes!  I have a decent selection of weekend clothes but not work clothes.

Did I forget to mention I had my first mammogram?  Yup, another milestone, Mar 23rd.  Gratefully it came back normal.

Well now time to relax before work...oh yes....I did go clothes (window) shopping.  Well I did try on several items in a woman's dept store....it sure gets hot in those dressing rooms, but didn't buy anything.  I went home and looked through what I had and what my wife would be willing to let me wear of hers, that fit.  We are similar bottom sizes but I am bigger through the chest.  Well I found a few decent choices and then she told my I could have this pinstripe pantsuit with a matching vest, as I had become too big for her.  That pants fit comfortable and I could button the vest over a nice ruffle white blouse, though it was tight.  It was going to be my court outfit.  I kissed her and thanked her for her generosity.

Well I didn't think I had this much to write.  Oh, one more thing.  I'm doing with my breastforms.  I have no doubt I've developed some breast tissue.  Maybe only AA not but with the firm B cup forms, I looked too big and perky.  With my natural breasts and a b cup push up bra I do just fine.  :-)

Ok, enough now...time to chill.

I am sincerely,

Laura Catherine

Journal Entry: 03/20/2012 - High Level Support

Well today it was time to elevate Laura's story to the next level at work.  That was the Commander (Colonel) in charge of the military hospital I work at.  She is my boss', boss', boss.  Her boss is the General in charge of the base.  Well my boss, a female Major, named Catherine ironically, agreed to come with me for moral support.  I had made an appointment and we went into her office and sat down and thanked her for giving me the time.  As with others, her first question was to ask me if I was ok.  I assured her I was and thought I'd be even better within the next few minutes.  From there I launched into the story of Laura.  Using the same story I have become comfortable with as I describe my journey to others.  I tell how I have been dealing with an issue for my whole life, dating back to 5-6 yrs old but didn't really understand it until last year.  I told her how about 10 yrs ago I briefly embraced myself but then discounted my own insight.  Then I told her I was tansgendendered, specifically transsexual.  I told her that I was almost 1/2 through laser facial hair removal and had been on hormones since December.  She listened attentively, interjected when appropriate and in the end we were talking about what color nail polish was acceptable for active duty member in uniform.  As the Major and I were leaving she gave me a hug and offered her full and complete support, applauded my courage and assured me that there would be no trouble at work.  She also told me that she needed to talk with the General and would try and do so today.  I showed her this profile picture and got the same, positive response that most give to it.

Later on she stopped by my office and gathered, with my boss, in a room in our clinic and she told me about her conversation with the General and his second in Command, a Colonel.  In my job I see the both of them on a regular basis.  The short of it was that they both extended their full support and the General went so far as to say that if he caught wind of someone giving me a hard time they would find themselves talking directly to him.  Wow, it most definitely appears that my job is safe.

Later I called a good friend who works in the AF Surgeon General's Office, the section in charge of the Domestic Violence program that I run at my base.  I told her the same story and she also commended my courage and extended her support.  Like most people who know me she also asked about my wife, as the Colonel had done and I told her how great Lynda has been.  Tomorrow I will call her boss and her boss' boss in that office, an AD Major and an AD Lt Colonel, also good friends I've known for years, and both females.  I have no doubt I will receive their full support.  Thursday will be the staff in my office and from there others will follow quickly. 

So, the scary, hard work is done and my job does feel safe. I will be comfortable to present full time, and at work, once my name change takes place.  Probably in the next few weeks to a couple of months.  I do have hopes to make it by my birthday in June as my driver's license is due to expire then and I really want Laura's name and picture on it.

Yes, today was a day of very high level support.  It was a very good day indeed.  :-)

I am sincerely,

'

Laura Catherine

Journal Entry: 03/18/2012 - Now I've Really Gone and Done it!

Some steps are baby steps and some steps are giant ones, or so it seams. Perhaps my surprise at myself, or my feelings, is generated by the consistent, experienced reminder that every one's journey is unique to themselves.  So, even with a history of common experience, the readiness, timing, process and reactions are apparently different for everyone.  I used to ask, how do I know if I am Transsexual.  The answer was always, "Either you are or you are not."  Having travelled this path for a while now, and seeing the growth in my comfort level with myself, comparing my feelings between when I present as a vs a girl, I have come (some time ago) to conclude that I am.  So, my path is my own.  The consequences of that realization is that, in many ways, I am alone.  Don't get me wrong, support is essential and I do have a considerable and growing support system.  By being alone I mean that I am the one transitioning and no one can really tell me how it goes from and between steps.

So, back to my journey.  This is what, for me, was a giant step.  There have been others, like beginning hormone treatments - Dec 13, 2011....a day I will always remember, and two days after my wife's birthday.  So, get on with it already, right?  What was this big step?  Ok, here it is.

It started on Thursday, Mar 15, 2011, ironically with a setback.  I was feeling a need to start the process of changing my name and had learned that the first step was to get my fingerprints taken for a criminal background check.  So, I had a therapy appointment on that day and left work early to stop at the Sheriff's Office (I learned that's where to go from the Clerk of Courts) near my home to get them done.  Well they were very nice as they told me that their fingerprint machine was broken and they would be unable to take fingerprints until they received a new machine.  Bollocks, as my wife would say.  That brought me into Friday, March 16, 2011.

Friday was a "training day" at work.  We have one every month and it's set aside as closed for normal business so that people can get their training accomplished throughout the year without having to fit it in between normal business activities.  Please remember that I work for the Federal Govt so there is lots of training.  Well my training was caught up and all I HAD to do was teach this class from 1-3 in the afternoon.  So, I checked into the office and left about 8:00 am to head to another Sheriff's Office to get my fingerprints done.  Well I walked in, waited for a few minutes to be called to the window and told them what I needed.  As I was sitting there I saw the sign that they no longer took Visa debit or credit cards. Well, of course, all of my cards were Visa cards.  I had looked online and saw the fee was $39.00 so I needed an ATM.  Luckily there was one in the Govt Building Complex on this campus and the officer pointed me in the right direction.  A few minutes later I was back at the window, cash in hand.  A clerk came out and told me that the officer would be available in a few minutes and that she could collect my payment and work on my receipt, I told her that would be fine.  She confirmed the $39 fee and I handed her $40.  A couple of minutes later the officer came out and escorted me behind the secure door and into the fingerprint room.  She collected my receipt and I chatted with her about preparing to file my petition with court to change my name and wondered about the process.  Well the clerk apparently had somehow heard me say that I needed my fingerprints taken for a concealed weapons permit.  So, "bank error in my favor", the fee for the fingerprints to go with the name change was only $5....that's a first.  :-)  So, electronic fingerprints taken, fingerprint card and the document with a transaction number, that I would need to submit them to the Florida Dept of Law Enforcement (FDLE) online, in hand...I was off to the courthouse across the street to file the actual petition.

So I got to the courthouse and into the clerk's office.  Only second in line I thought, this is going to go smoothly.  Well as I made my way to the "next to be served" area I saw the sign.  Apparently Visa charges aren't competitive and the whole Florida Govt isn't taking Visa.  Well I didn't have enough cash and they don't take checks so I knew there was going to be another delay.  Well as I didn't have long to wait I figured I'd at least take the chance to ask a couple of questions.  When  I was called I approached the window, confirmed that Visa wasn't accepted, and told her what I was there for.  I told her that I had found the forms on their web site and asked her if she knew how I was supposed to submit my fingerprints to the FDLE.  She asked if I had printed the forms from the "Packet" or from the "individual" forms list...of course I had printed the petition from the "individual" forms list. Well she pulled out a sheet and handed it to me and told me that it would tell me how to send the fingerprints to the FDLE and gave me a web address to go to.  Ok, a setback, had to get the cash, but now I knew how to deal with the fingerprints.  I thanked her and left for work.

Back in the office I looked up the web address on the instruction sheet she had provided me, a broken link with of a bunch of code instructions on how to "debug" the file.  I have no programming knowledge and made a half-hearted effort to follow the instructions but no luck.  I did not that I was trying to open a PDF file but figured there would be instructions and a hyperlink to another web site.  I figured I'd try from home, maybe the security on the govt computers was getting in the way.  Well I thought I'd teach my class and go back to the courthouse, after going to the bank, after the class; they are open till 5:00pm and there is a courthouse closer to where I live, and  smaller one, so maybe it wouldn't be busy.

I left work about 3:00pm and went home and pulled up the clerk of courts web site and looked for the "packet" of forms I needed.  I quickly printed the ones I didn't have and filled them out the best I could.  Same problem with the payment for the FDLE form but I thought I could ask about it at the Clerk's office.  I didn't think they probably needed them all up front, like the final disposition form, but I'd fill them out and bring them with me anyway.  I found a parking space right away and thought that was a good sign.  I entered through security and made my way to the Clerk of Courts.  Well the parking space was a fluke.  I took a number, #49 and waited several minutes until they called the next number, #33.  I looked at the clock, 4:10, and started to wonder if 5:00 meant closing the doors and finishing with the people already inside or 5:00 meant the windows closed and those waiting were out of luck.  Well a couple more windows opened and at about 4:30 my number was called.  I approached the window and was glad to see that this clerk was a girl.  I told her that I was there to file a petition to change my name and had several forms with me.  I asked if there was an order she wished them in and she did not have a preference.  I started with the petition itself, the several pages, including the instructions, paper clipped together.  As I started to hand the package to her she stopped me and told me I had to separate them.  I took off the paperclip and went to hand them in again and she told me I needed to remove the instruction pages, and I did.  Finally she accepted the form and began to look it over.  I tried to make idle chat but she wasn't interested.  I thought, Govt employee at the end of a long day, so I gave her a break.  As she looked over the first page I knew exactly the time that she saw that a boy was changing their name to a girl's name.  She looked up and smiled pleasantly and I visibly saw her relax her poster from a "hurry up and get it done" sort of way to a "let's make sure we do this right the first time" sort of way.  She got out a binder and looked something up and continued reviewing the form.  As she went over each page thoroughly I was thinking that nearly every person that was served before me had something wrong when they went to the window.  This was everything from trying to pay with a Visa card to not completely filling out a passport application to trying to file the paperwork for a renewal passport when, as I came to learn, it was clearly marked on the instructions that you could only submit applications for a new passport via the Clerk of Courts.  As she finished reviewing my form, including two additional pages of information I added, she reached into her drawer and began to pull out another form.  When I saw what she was doing I reached into my folder and produced a completed Family Court Cover Sheet and asked if this was what I needed.  She smiled again as she acknowledged that I was correct and displayed a degree of surprise when she concluded all was in order.  Not about me, but due to the problems that the typical person had at the clerk's office.  Then she announced, that the filing fee would be $401, which I already knew.  I also had been to the bank and casually handed her $405, cash.  She provided my change and I began to explain the problem with paying to have the fingerprints submitted to the FDLE.  She suggested I try a certain abbreviated version of the web site, and I thanked her, though I was not at all optimistic.  As I was showing her the paper that the Sheriff's Office had provided me, which I thought was just proof that I had the fingerprints taken, I saw something about credit card payments and a web site on the bottom.  This was not the same web site as the other form and I suddenly felt optimistic, and told her so.  Business completed, the petition filed, I thanked her and left for home.  As soon as I got in I pulled up the web site and within a few minutes I had successfully paid the $43.25 fee and took a deep breath.  I had done it.

So at the end of the day:

Fingerprints     $5

Background check     $43.25

to file the petition     $401

The judge proclaiming me Laura Catherine Perry?       Priceless! 

Not I've really gone and done it.  At last.  :-)

I am sincerely,

Laura Catherine

Journal Entry: 03/11/2012 - Real Girls Don't do Yard Work and Other Things

Well it's spring and spring brings yard work.  I have a corner lot with lots of landscaping and 4 scrub oak trees in my back yard.  Thank God for the pool or the back yard would even take more work.  Well I spent most of yesterday raking and bagging the leaves in the back yard.  My wife was nice enough to hold the bags open.  Thirteen bags later (a whole box) there are still three piles left.  We bought new bags but it's been raining all day so they'll have to sit there until they dry out.  There is also the issue of getting the leaves out of the space between the roof and the  frame of the screen for the pool.  There is a portion of screen that collects leaves. I have to blow them from on end to the roof of the patio and then climb onto the flat patio roof and collect them while I clear our the rain gutter.  There are palm trees to prune, regular weed treatments in the landscaping, fertilizing the lawn and pruning the bushes.  The oaks have to be pruned professionally.  That's just the back yard.  The pool area needs pressure washing and really could use a new coat of paint on the pad around the pool.  It does all get done but it seems to take forever.  Well one day into it and I've got a blister between my thumb and forefinger already.  So, I've concluded that real girls don't do yard work so next year (when my boy muscles are much less present anyway) I'm going to have to hire someone to at least do the hard part...the raking.  The rest is relatively easy.  Nope, real girls don't to the tough yard work and that includes me.

So, other things?  Well this past week I told my boss about Laura and she was great and very reassuring about my job.  Then I went to civilian personnel, armed with the information about protections for federal govt employees against discrimination against transgendered people.  She was also great and very reassuring.  There are two more people in my immediate leadership to tell and that will be all the important people.  I suspect there will be a discussion with the Wing Commander and perhaps the senior staff of the base.  There are the professional staff in the hospital where I work and the rest of the medical personnel.  There are Sq Commanders and First Sergeants across the base and my colleagues across the Air Force, including friends I've known for years in the Surgeon General's office.Well after my local leadership will be the colleagues in my office. All that could happen in the next couple of weeks.  I've already got the paperwork filled out for my name change and I see my endocrinologist on Wednesday.  I will being the requirements for gender marker change from the US State Dept (passport) and the Florida Driver's License Bureau.  All I need is for her to say that I have undergone sufficient medical treatment to complete my transition.  I'm going to ask her what that will mean for her.  I am confident that she will not require SRS but I am suspicious that she will want me to have an orchiectomy.  I've had a consult with a urologist about that procedure and it seems pretty simple really but my insurance wont cover a dime of the 5k its going to cost.  Well if it has to be done it has to be done.  It's possible she is ready to write the letter now but I'm suspicious she will want the surgery or longer on hormones first.  My driver's license is due to be renewed in June and I'd love to have it reflect my new name and a "F" gender.  I think I have enough time for the name change, I hope she will write the letter by then.  Somewhere along the line I will start presenting as a girl at work.  Because I have to have an ID to get on the base and get into my computer, and I won't be able to get them changes until the legal issues are resolved, I suspect I will not be able to present as a girl at work until those are done. June would be nice.  I also have a conference in July with my colleagues across the AF and the staff from the Surgeon General's office.  It would be great if Laura could attend that conference.  It's only once a year so otherwise it will be a year until these people get to put a face to my transition.  I could always send a picture, but it's not the same.  Every time I tell someone I show a picture, actually my profile picture from here, because it's human nature to imagine what I'd look like and I don't want them to have a false image....better or worse than I really look.  Then there are college transcripts and diplomas, professional license, passport and driver's license of course, bank records, social security, IRS and my personnel records and more.  Seems overwhelming to think of it all at once but I try to focus on one step at a time.

So that's about it but things do keep moving forward.  Oh yeah, my wife?   She is hanging in there.

I am sincerely,

Laura Catherine

Journal Entry: 06/03/2012 - Good News/Bad News

So a day of mixed emotions.  First, my direct boss, a psychologist, wanted to talk with me this morning about some clinic matters.  When we were done I, very unexpectedly, told her that I had some news that may knock her socks off.  She listened with concern and said, "You're not leaving are you?".  Now you have to understand that I am one of the key leaders in our clinic and was first in charge when she was deployed and our psychiatrist had move on to another assignment.  I was in charge from Jan - Oct 2011 and we had major inspections in December and January, earning perfect scores on both.  Not to say that was all me but I did have a key role in those results.  I was also just named the civilian supervisor of the year for the entire hospital.  The point here is not to blow my own horn but to explain why she relies on me, trusts my experienced and knowledge and respects me.  So, she was concerned I might be moving on to another job.  I told her no and she looked a little relieved, but was waiting and listening intently for what I was about to tell her.  So after thinking for a minute about how to tell her, I started with the fact that I had been struggling with something for my entire life but only came to realize it since this past summer.  I then went on to tell her that I was transgendered, specifically transsexual.  I told her that I have been in therapy since April, on hormones since December and am in the middle of laser facial hair removal.  I told her that I want to transition completely and have been living full time as a woman on weekends for months.  I told her that I was concerned about my job, even though the federal government has protections against discrimination again transgendered individuals and even has established procedures to reconstruct a personnel file.  She was surprised to find I was concerned about my job and restated my value to this clinic.  After talking with her I found myself wondering why I was concerned about my job.  Probably because so many others have lost theirs.  I told her that I have an appointment with civilian personnel on Thursday to talk with them and that our Squadron Commander should be next, followed by the hospital Commander.  She assured me she would be supportive and felt that the staff would be accepting as well.  I showed her a couple of my more recent pictures and she even said she thought I was beautiful.  :-)  When I showed her the one that is my profile on here, and on facebook, her first remark was, "Wow".  She also said, as others have, that I look really happy.  Well I am, when I am Laura and enough people have noticed it so it must be true.  As far as my patients, she agreed that they should have the choice of continuing with me or transferring to another therapist.  So, anyway, that's done and I was in a good mood all day, feeling another important step had been taken.

Now the not so good news.  By the time my wife got home from work I had finished spraying the weeds in our flower beds, fed the dogs, emptied the dishwasher, taken out the trash and prepared the salad to go with our dinner.  I had a cup of tea waiting for her when she walked in the door.  Now I do get home earlier than she does and she was particularly late tonight.  It's not unusual for me to do these type of things before she gets home.  I let her have her tea and sit down and relax for a bit before I told her that I had told my boss and that she was supportive.  We both had been worried about my job and she had asked me to keep it out of my work.  I never agreed to but when I didn't she felt as though I took no notice of what she had asked of me.  It's just so hard to explain this in a way to anyone, in a way that would make any sense.  Heck, it doesn't make sense to me most of the time.  Anyway, she wasn't happy at all.  I know she is worried and I understand that.  I know she feels that she cannot be married to a woman because the idea of it just doesn't fit her experience.  I also know that she loves the person inside this body and I still believe that if she gives us a chance, we will be ok.  I sure hope so.

I guess the answer to my last journal entry about whether transition is a choice or not is, no, it's not a choice.  In spite of what I have to lose, I am just compelled to go through with this.  I found the change of name forms from the clerk of courts on the Internet and forwarded them home to begin working on them.  It will take a little while as I have to do some research on places that I lived when I was little and some other parts.  I have to have a local and national criminal background check done, fingerprints, file the forms, get a court date and then can get my name changed.  It's March 6th.  My driver's license expires on my birthday in June.  I'm setting a personal goal to try and get this done by then.  I don't know if it's possible but to change my name after I get my new license is not a big deal.  Next is to talk with my endocrinologist about what it will take her to write a letter stating that I have undergone sufficient medical treatment to complete my transition.  I hope she doesn't require surgery.  I've printed the Florida DMV and US State Dept passport policies (they are the same) and will bring them to my next appointment a week from tomorrow.  I have a feeling that once things start rolling they will go quite fast. 

The obstacles are falling by the wayside one after the other.  My siblings, my kids, my work...there are not many, if any, important ones left.....except my wife.  I love her dearly and truly hope we can survive my transition.  So, for today, that's the good news and the bad news.

I am sincerely,

Laura Catherine

Journal Entry: 04/03/2012 - Is it Still a Choice?

So my life is up and down like a yo-yo.  It definitely goes with my changing back and forth between presenting as a boy during the work week and a girl on weekends but it's more than that.  There are times when my wife seems to accept me and other times she pleads with me to be 'normal', meaning a boy full time. I tell her that it's no longer a choice and that I would die, at least emotionally, if I stopped my journey now.  I wonder sometimes if the price is worth it....is it a choice?  Maybe so, I could choose to die......i guess that's a choice.  Something to consider anyway.

I am sincerely,

Laura Catherine

Journal Entry: 02/26/2012 - About Last Night

So, about last night. My wife and I went out again to the usual places.  First Squid Lips but only for one because it was really cold and windy on the deck in spite of their heaters and the plastic windows around the outside.  Plus it was packed and we had to stand or sit on bar stools in the back corner, not even at a table.  Plus, the band wasn't that great.  So it was on to Lou's Blues, earlier than usual, just after 8:00.

We did find seats at a half moon shaped table, facing the dance floor.  We were listening to Karaoke and getting into the atmosphere when this guy from the other night came in.  Sure enough he sat across from us at our table.  He looked back and made an acknowledging remark.  Shortly thereafter he asked my wife to dance and she politely declined.  He then said, "what, you don't like to dance?" and she shook her head no, which is a lie.  Well not long after that another guy winked at her from the bar (I didn't notice but she told me later) and then came over and took am empty seat next to her.  She is so warm and inviting that guys figure they can talk with her and she won't be mean to them, and they are right.  He introduced himself and started talking away to her.  I was on her other side and kept looking toward the singer, ignoring him.  My wife tapped me and told me he was talking to me.  Which he was, surely trying to be polite but so that she wouldn't think badly of him for ignoring me.  Well he kept on, talking about his job, money, property....clearly trying to impress her.  While she chatted back with him she never led him on or said anything that would suggest he had a chance with her.  He offered to buy us a drink at one point but she said we already had one, mostly because she didn't know how I would feel.  I guess this is going to happen when we go out so I suppose we need to have a plan in advance.  Well after a while we decided to go out for a cigarette and that got us away from him for a minute.  Well no sooner had we gotten outside and lit up when the other guy, the one from the other night, the Portuguese, came out.  Now there is a covered area outside where people go to smoke and it's big.  There are the benches at one end and lots of standing room.  Well there is an old barber's chair by the door and a round bar table but no other seats.  She sat in the chair and I stood next to her. The chilly north wind was blocked by the building.  So what did he do?  Just guess.  Yes, of course he came over and stood by us. He didn't say a lot but my wife asked him if he drove home from the club (vs a cab or some other means of getting home?) and he made out he didn't hear her and came over and stood between us and told her about the fancy car he has.  Well we quickly finished our cigarette and went back inside, this time to the ladies room for a bit of peace and quiet. When we came out it was back to our table and the second guy was over in a minute.  Eventually the band came on and he was  up and down, even dancing with some other girl one time.  We shifted our seats a couple of times but he still managed to end up near her.  We got tired of the whole thing, or I did and she sensed it, and let at about 10:00. 

We stopped back for one more at Squid Lips on the way home.  It  was still packed but we found seats at the bar.  She did have just the one and left.

My wife has told me many times, "You reap what you sow", but I never thought of it in quite this way.  If I am going to be a girl and we are going to be out together, guys are going to flirt with her or both of us.  Somehow I'm going to have to get used to this but, right now, I have no idea how to handle it, I just get embarrassed.  So today is, about last night.

I am sincerely,

Laura Catherine

Journal Entry: 02/24/2012 - Bad Hair Day

Well yesterday was a day to remember and a day to forget, all in one.  When we woke up with jet lag at 3:30am I decided I would wash my hair. It needed it anyway so I thought I'd just get it done seeing I was up anyway.  Well I've washed it while wearing it and in she shower several times with no problems.  It's been nice to feel the hair half way down my naked back...esp since my boy hair is kept very short.  So, I washed and conditioned it using my wife's Pantene shampoo and conditioner.  Washing it in the shower loosens the glue on the tape and I easily peeled it off and took the blow dryer to it.  Well within a minute I noticed a huge snarl.  I tried to gently work it out but it only got worse.  Eventually the front was matted so badly that it was never going to come out.  Well I had my first emotional moment and burst into tears.  Really probably not necessary because the worst that would happen is that I would order a new one and have it next week.  I did look forward to going out with my wife this weekend but to be fair, it really wasn't the end of the world. It sure felt like it though.

Finally I gave up on this one and checked the online store where I bought it.  I tried to find a retail store around me and called one but all they had were synthetic, front lace and that just cannot compare to human hair, full lace.  Well the online store didn't open until 10 (good thing it was Friday and not the weekend as they are only open weekdays. It's actually a retail store that also sells online.  They are a distributor for retail stores but also do a retail business.  I did a lot of checking and they do have the best prices by far.  I called before 10:00 but no answer.  They don't have a lot of staff so they aren't great about answering the phone.  I started to panic so I went to their web site and sent them an e-mail...came back undeliverable....oh no!  Finally I used their order form to contact them and explain what had happened and exactly what I wanted.  I also knew that they offered next day delivery but ordering online only gave the option of using basic delivery which was 5-7 days.  At 10:00 I called again, no answer.  I could feel my heart beating and waited 10 minutes and called again, voila!  They answered. I told the girl on the phone that I wanted to place an order but I couldn't get what I wanted from their web site.  She excused herself and got the store manager on the phone.  I've talked with her before and she remembered me.  I always order my tape from them.  It sounds like a lot of aggravation but it's really not. Anyway I explained what I had done but we were both at a loss to figure out what happened.  She did say that occasionally customers had commented that this had happened to them.  Well she did tell me to use gentle shampoo, and suggested Dove and Dove conditioner.  She said that the more expensive brand name ones were the worst for you due to the chemicals (mea will like that part).  I told her that I wash it about once every two weekends, not because it seems dirty but because it seemed dry and I wanted to condition it.  Well in addition to using gentle shampoo she said to use only a little.  Well because you really can't lather it into the scalp like you do your own hair, I used loads....mistake #2.  She also said that to just keep it soft and silky I really just need to use this oil they sell, on the ends, and then take a flat iron to it.  Well, like I said, it doesn't really get dirty, it just gets dry.  So, I was washing it too much anyway.  Well I arranged to by the one I wanted and paid for next day delivery.  She was going to include some samples so I could try their products (I was very interested in the oil) before I would decide to by them.

So we went out last night but I was in boy mode. It felt very strange as It's only a couple of times since Dec that I have been out socially as a boy.  The other time was my daughter's birthday on Feb 5.  But, I tolerated it, well aware of the act I was putting on and got home relatively early.  So now we are sitting here in the house at 1:15pm waiting for the mailman.  The tracking info says it arrived at our post office a 9:44 this morning.  It's supposed to be next day delivery and better be after I paid $25 for shipping.  I'd feel better if the tracking information said "out for delivery".  Keep your fingers crossed, we have plans for this afternoon, tonight and tomorrow.

Yes, a very bad hair day indeed.

I am sincerely,

Laura Catherine