Losses that Outweigh the Gains

I hate to be writing this entry but I have to tell someome.  If you are listening, I'm sorry to burden you....you might just want to stop reading here.

So it looks like it's over.  No, the final bell has not rung but the gong is beginning to strike.  My marriage to the only woman I've ever loved is coming to an end because of my selfishness.  She asked me, no...she begged me not to go through with my transition, but I didn't listen. All I thought about was myself, my own happiness, without really considering the impact on her.  I knew the data on marriages survining transition, and it's not good.  The few that make it do so involve older people and out of love.  Well my beloved and I are 57 so I figured we had the older part down.   On top of that we loved each other so I convinced myself that we were going to be the exception.....we were exceptional people afterall.  We are educated, financially stable and international travelers.  We were to become international snow-birds at retirement, spending summers in England and winters in Florida.  Yes, we had it all figured out.  I was even looking for a government job back in England so she could be nearer her family.   I kept telling everyone how great she was being.  I mean she gave me the pant suit I wore to court on the day I changed my name and became Laura Catherine.  She paid hundreds of dollars for us to get permanent makeup for eyebrowns, eyeliner and lipliner.    As I think about de-transitioning I know the pain that will be involved to erase those tattoos. I have decided that I will do just that though if it means I can keep her in my life.  Even as I offer that it seems it's too late.

No..the love of my life, my true soul mate...is slipping through my fingers like sands through an hour-glass....and so are the days of our lives.  At 57, my life moving forward is empty, with no direction and no meaning.  I wanted it all, and wound up with nothing.  I gambled, and lost, more than I could afford.  No, life as I knew it, life as I saw it....is over.  Where I go from here is nowhere....all I see is darkness and loneliness and a life of misery.  I wonder if it's all even worth it. 

I had my chance.....I was one of the lucky ones to actually find, by a pure act of serendipiosity, the one I was supposed to be with....and I thew it away like it was a bowl full of marbles and I could just reach in and pick out another one.  Not this time, she is one of a kind.....life as I know it is over..... when I look at the life I will have I see darkness, emptiness and loneliness.  Lonliness....my greatest fear and I brough it all on myself.


Anyone have a big rock I could crawl under and drift off into a deep sleep?



I was sincerely,

Laura Catherine

A powerful piece....not written by me

Have the tissues ready.

holding on

I am sincerely,
Laura Catherine

Journal Entry: 07/21/2012 - Long Overdue Update

Ok, so I've gotten lazy about writing since my transition. Well maybe that's not entirely true.  Since becoming fully "out" and with no need to "hide" I have been posting thoughts on Facebook, reducing the need and personal value of writing here.  So why am I writing here now?  Good question.  #1: I'm feeling a need to write here and #2: Mea has been great about keeping in contact but I've not been nearly as good at keeping her up to date on my status.  So, this is a long overdue update.

To re-cap, I transitioned to living full time as Laura Catherine simultaneously with undergoing my legal name change on April 18, 2012.  It was an anxious but exciting period but after 3 months, just being myself everyday is becoming routine.  My confidence is quite high and still without being "made" in public, my concerns about "passing" or "blending in" are rapidly fading.  I do miss the excitement of transitioning on weekends but on the other hand, waking up as myself everyday is, well, priceless.

I didn't read through and don't remember the details of my prior entries so if I repeat something, well to be honest...so what? It's my journal. :-)  My lovely wife paid a good sum of money to the owners of the nail shop that we use to get "permanent makeup". So what is that?  Simply a tatto0 in places that makeup would normally go.  So, first we got eyebrows done, which also served to level mine and look much better.  On another visit for nails the owner made us an offer to have lips and eyeliner done that was just too good to pass up so those are done too.  Yes, all of this hurts as any tattoo would.  Eyebrows were bad enough and lips a little worse.  But the eyes? OMG....we are talking about paying someone to still a needle in your eye 10 thousand times.  It would be bad enough if you were kidnapped, held against your will and restrained so that the torture could be inflicted.  But, to pay someone good money and go through this voluntarily is well...enough to question one's sanity.  I may well be insane, I have gone from appearing to the world as a male to appearing to the world as a female.  My lovely wife though has no such excuse.....but then again maybe living with has driven her insane.....that is a very real possibility.  Now for the best part, each of these "tattoos" needs to be done in two visits.  Basic and then "touch up" once the first session has healed.  Well "touch up" appears a misnomer as it's worse than the first time.  I know understand how genetic women could undergo childbirth more than once.  While you can remember intellectually that something hurt, you forget the physical sensation....until, that is, that needle (or first contraction?) hits your skin and it all comes flooding back.  You're trapped tough because you know that if you jerk, that needle could well go astray and tattooing my eyeball was not part of the deal. So, now it's done and I like the outcome.  A little mascara and my eyes are done (with a little coordinating eyeshadow sometimes).  If I'm going "clubbing" I may add a little bottom eyeliner for more of an effect, but really don't need to. Here is a picture to try and show what this looks like but eyebrows will be the most noticeable....esp if you compare some earlier pictures.

"Permanent Eyebrow Makeup"

Ok, so what is next....I do have to say that, especially in view of the horror stories that are out there of people losing their jobs, homes, families etc, my transition was about as easy as it could get.  People at work (I am a Dept of Defense civilian, working for the AF) were amazing.  That's not just my co-workers either.  I have been with the AF, as a social worker, for nearly 30 yrs.  (This includes 20 yrs of being active duty).  In  my capacity I know lots of people and interact with everyone from the General that runs the base I work on to people in the AF Surgeon General's office and patients.  Everyone has been great.  Any naysayers out there have been silent, if they exist.  Ok, so they have to be nice because gender identity is a category protected against discrimination along with face, sex, religion etc.  But my patients, ones I had before transition and ones I've gained since then, have a choice...and everyone last one, old and new, has chosen to remain with me.  I don't know if new ones know that I am TS or not, though I expect some do.  Either way, they have stayed with me. Lucky for them actually because since unloading my "secret" onto the world, I have become a much better therapist.  It's like now that my mind is not cluttered with anxiety and conflict over a gender identity that does not match my presentation to the world, it is free to focus on other parts of life.  I am also much more aware of my feelings which translates to patients feeling more empathy from me.  So work is good.  My kids have accepted me and my youngest daughter and I (she lives locally) have been out together for dinner and a local club.  Had a great time.  I'm going to drive to Alabama to visit my oldest daughter over the Labor Day weekend.

So what else is new.  My wife and I took a weekend trip to Florida's Gulf Coast (It's much more lively and to us, better than on our Atlantic coast).  This was over the memorial day weekend so only about 6 weeks into my transition.  I was a little nervous about going outside of my comfort zone but needed to for my own growth.  Again, all went well, including sunbathing on the beach in a 2 piece bikini.  Another milestone.

First time in a bikini

Well I want to get this published so I'll stop here.  Maybe tomorrow I'll write about our Cruise.  :-)

I am sincerely,



Laura Catherine xx

Journal Entry: 05/03/2012 - For Mea: Transiton Complete

This journal entry is especially written for my friend Mea who has closely followed my journey and provided me with support, encouragement and courage.  Thank you Mea.  I hope you have some understanding of the value you played in my journey.

On April 18th 2012 I legally became Laura Catherine P*****.  My supervisor from work had come with me and I was a nervous as one could be.  I don't know what I imagined could go wrong but it was a big...no huge day...as I was giving up a name and identity that I had lived with for the better part of 57 yrs.  Well in the end, all went without a hitch and it seems as soon as it began, it was over, and I was legally Laura Catherine P*****.  I have to say that I love seeing my name in print, hearing it being said and signing it.  So few of us get to pick our names and I really love mine.  Over the next few days I update my social security card, obtained a new driver's license, my personnel record at work, ID card for work and my retired military ID.  Then there were also bank records, college records, professional license and many other places to change my name.  I'm nearly done but I can't get complacent as there are a few more to go.  While I had a new legal name and appearance, I was still legally a male.  Well that all changed on May 2, 2012.  Armed with a letter with very specific language from my medical provider I headed to the DMV and was, as the rules allowed, able to change my gender marker to female.  Later that same day my application for my new passport was in the mail.  As Florida actually adopted the rules for gender change that the State Dept put into place in 2010, there is no doubt that my passport will come back in my current, legal name, current appearance and with a female gender.  Yes, now I am legally a woman.  I also began living and working full time as a female on the afternoon of the 17th of April and I can tell you, it's better than I could have imagined.  The reception at work has been amazing and I am happier beyond belief.

My day in court.  :-)

So, that's it.  Transition complete.  My journey goes on though as my body will continue to change and I can consider surgery next year.  But now it's just time to live and enjoy life every day.

I cannot promise that I will continue to make journal entries and if I do, they will likely be far between and focused on significant events.  There was a time that writing was therapeutic but now that I am living full time I have more support than I could have dreamed of and the writing does not have the same impact it once did.  That's why this entry is titled; "For Mea" as it's really written for you, more than for me.

Please do stay in touch, you have my email address.  If you ever get on facebook, look me up.  :-)

I am sincerely,

Laura Catherine

Journal Entry: 04/01/2012 - Magna Cum Update

Well it's been a while since I've written.  Not because there has been no news, but because I've been busy or lazy. :-)  I'll try and provided a run down of the events in the order they happened.  Anyway, the news.......

Well now that the higher ups on the base were in the loop, it was time to tell my colleagues.  I got most of them in a weekly staff meeting and the few others individually in the day or two following.  I guess I shouldn't be surprised anymore but I continue to be humbled by the outpouring of support I receive and again am thrilled about the concern for my wife.

So, last time I had told my friend, Michelle, a Major in the AF Surgeon General's office about my transition.  Well I was next able to track down her boss, an active duty friend of many years, on business in England.  I told her pretty much the same story I've told everyone, letting her know that in the past year I have come to understand something I had struggled with my whole life and I now know that I am transsexual and embrace my female self.  Like all of the others she listened, responded with undying support, commended my courage and asked about my wife.....once again, another step and all was still right with the world.

Next was Michelle's boss, a Lt Colonel, who I have also known for years.  It took a couple of days of phone tag but I finally got her at her home in San Antonio.  Same conversation, same result.  Extremely supportive, commended my courage and asked about my wife.  Seems most of the hard work was done.

Well back to work the following week, waiting to hear about a court date.  I had been told the background check takes about a week so I waited impatiently through the week of the 19th of March and finally broke down and called on Friday the 23rd.  I was able to learn that my background check was done the day after the fingerprints were taken but there is not system to let me know.  It's up to me to check with the clerk.  So I anxiously called the Judge's chambers as I had been instructed, my heart beating a mile a minute, just knowing I was about to get a court date.....another majorly important date in my young life as a girl.  I say girl and not woman thought because I am indeed going through puberty and feel more like a girl than a woman.  Anyway, onto the call.  Bam! The clerk was out of the office until the following Tuesday, the 27th.  I had a trip to DC, leaving on the 28th and I wanted my date before I left.  It took several tries of still getting the voicemail of the clerk stating she was out of the office until Tuesday....which was today, but eventually I got through.  We had a pleasant conversation, I told her why I was changing my name (probably to get a read on whether I was the judge's first such case) but she didn't flinch and we chatted for several minutes as she brought up his calendar.  I was expecting a couple of months wait, hoping to make it by my birthday in June so my next driver's license would have Laura's name on it.  Well imagine my surprise when she offered April 18th!  Three short weeks from tomorrow.  I excitedly accepted and nearly burst out of my office to tell my colleagues.  Wow!  Wow!  Wow!  I've got a lot to do to get ready....surely there must be somethings to do.  Oh yes, get the last bit of paperwork together, look over the list of those who need to know I changed my name so they can change me in their systems, and shop for work clothes!  I have a decent selection of weekend clothes but not work clothes.

Did I forget to mention I had my first mammogram?  Yup, another milestone, Mar 23rd.  Gratefully it came back normal.

Well now time to relax before work...oh yes....I did go clothes (window) shopping.  Well I did try on several items in a woman's dept store....it sure gets hot in those dressing rooms, but didn't buy anything.  I went home and looked through what I had and what my wife would be willing to let me wear of hers, that fit.  We are similar bottom sizes but I am bigger through the chest.  Well I found a few decent choices and then she told my I could have this pinstripe pantsuit with a matching vest, as I had become too big for her.  That pants fit comfortable and I could button the vest over a nice ruffle white blouse, though it was tight.  It was going to be my court outfit.  I kissed her and thanked her for her generosity.

Well I didn't think I had this much to write.  Oh, one more thing.  I'm doing with my breastforms.  I have no doubt I've developed some breast tissue.  Maybe only AA not but with the firm B cup forms, I looked too big and perky.  With my natural breasts and a b cup push up bra I do just fine.  :-)

Ok, enough now...time to chill.

I am sincerely,

Laura Catherine

Journal Entry: 03/20/2012 - High Level Support

Well today it was time to elevate Laura's story to the next level at work.  That was the Commander (Colonel) in charge of the military hospital I work at.  She is my boss', boss', boss.  Her boss is the General in charge of the base.  Well my boss, a female Major, named Catherine ironically, agreed to come with me for moral support.  I had made an appointment and we went into her office and sat down and thanked her for giving me the time.  As with others, her first question was to ask me if I was ok.  I assured her I was and thought I'd be even better within the next few minutes.  From there I launched into the story of Laura.  Using the same story I have become comfortable with as I describe my journey to others.  I tell how I have been dealing with an issue for my whole life, dating back to 5-6 yrs old but didn't really understand it until last year.  I told her how about 10 yrs ago I briefly embraced myself but then discounted my own insight.  Then I told her I was tansgendendered, specifically transsexual.  I told her that I was almost 1/2 through laser facial hair removal and had been on hormones since December.  She listened attentively, interjected when appropriate and in the end we were talking about what color nail polish was acceptable for active duty member in uniform.  As the Major and I were leaving she gave me a hug and offered her full and complete support, applauded my courage and assured me that there would be no trouble at work.  She also told me that she needed to talk with the General and would try and do so today.  I showed her this profile picture and got the same, positive response that most give to it.

Later on she stopped by my office and gathered, with my boss, in a room in our clinic and she told me about her conversation with the General and his second in Command, a Colonel.  In my job I see the both of them on a regular basis.  The short of it was that they both extended their full support and the General went so far as to say that if he caught wind of someone giving me a hard time they would find themselves talking directly to him.  Wow, it most definitely appears that my job is safe.

Later I called a good friend who works in the AF Surgeon General's Office, the section in charge of the Domestic Violence program that I run at my base.  I told her the same story and she also commended my courage and extended her support.  Like most people who know me she also asked about my wife, as the Colonel had done and I told her how great Lynda has been.  Tomorrow I will call her boss and her boss' boss in that office, an AD Major and an AD Lt Colonel, also good friends I've known for years, and both females.  I have no doubt I will receive their full support.  Thursday will be the staff in my office and from there others will follow quickly. 

So, the scary, hard work is done and my job does feel safe. I will be comfortable to present full time, and at work, once my name change takes place.  Probably in the next few weeks to a couple of months.  I do have hopes to make it by my birthday in June as my driver's license is due to expire then and I really want Laura's name and picture on it.

Yes, today was a day of very high level support.  It was a very good day indeed.  :-)

I am sincerely,

'

Laura Catherine

Journal Entry: 03/18/2012 - Now I've Really Gone and Done it!

Some steps are baby steps and some steps are giant ones, or so it seams. Perhaps my surprise at myself, or my feelings, is generated by the consistent, experienced reminder that every one's journey is unique to themselves.  So, even with a history of common experience, the readiness, timing, process and reactions are apparently different for everyone.  I used to ask, how do I know if I am Transsexual.  The answer was always, "Either you are or you are not."  Having travelled this path for a while now, and seeing the growth in my comfort level with myself, comparing my feelings between when I present as a vs a girl, I have come (some time ago) to conclude that I am.  So, my path is my own.  The consequences of that realization is that, in many ways, I am alone.  Don't get me wrong, support is essential and I do have a considerable and growing support system.  By being alone I mean that I am the one transitioning and no one can really tell me how it goes from and between steps.

So, back to my journey.  This is what, for me, was a giant step.  There have been others, like beginning hormone treatments - Dec 13, 2011....a day I will always remember, and two days after my wife's birthday.  So, get on with it already, right?  What was this big step?  Ok, here it is.

It started on Thursday, Mar 15, 2011, ironically with a setback.  I was feeling a need to start the process of changing my name and had learned that the first step was to get my fingerprints taken for a criminal background check.  So, I had a therapy appointment on that day and left work early to stop at the Sheriff's Office (I learned that's where to go from the Clerk of Courts) near my home to get them done.  Well they were very nice as they told me that their fingerprint machine was broken and they would be unable to take fingerprints until they received a new machine.  Bollocks, as my wife would say.  That brought me into Friday, March 16, 2011.

Friday was a "training day" at work.  We have one every month and it's set aside as closed for normal business so that people can get their training accomplished throughout the year without having to fit it in between normal business activities.  Please remember that I work for the Federal Govt so there is lots of training.  Well my training was caught up and all I HAD to do was teach this class from 1-3 in the afternoon.  So, I checked into the office and left about 8:00 am to head to another Sheriff's Office to get my fingerprints done.  Well I walked in, waited for a few minutes to be called to the window and told them what I needed.  As I was sitting there I saw the sign that they no longer took Visa debit or credit cards. Well, of course, all of my cards were Visa cards.  I had looked online and saw the fee was $39.00 so I needed an ATM.  Luckily there was one in the Govt Building Complex on this campus and the officer pointed me in the right direction.  A few minutes later I was back at the window, cash in hand.  A clerk came out and told me that the officer would be available in a few minutes and that she could collect my payment and work on my receipt, I told her that would be fine.  She confirmed the $39 fee and I handed her $40.  A couple of minutes later the officer came out and escorted me behind the secure door and into the fingerprint room.  She collected my receipt and I chatted with her about preparing to file my petition with court to change my name and wondered about the process.  Well the clerk apparently had somehow heard me say that I needed my fingerprints taken for a concealed weapons permit.  So, "bank error in my favor", the fee for the fingerprints to go with the name change was only $5....that's a first.  :-)  So, electronic fingerprints taken, fingerprint card and the document with a transaction number, that I would need to submit them to the Florida Dept of Law Enforcement (FDLE) online, in hand...I was off to the courthouse across the street to file the actual petition.

So I got to the courthouse and into the clerk's office.  Only second in line I thought, this is going to go smoothly.  Well as I made my way to the "next to be served" area I saw the sign.  Apparently Visa charges aren't competitive and the whole Florida Govt isn't taking Visa.  Well I didn't have enough cash and they don't take checks so I knew there was going to be another delay.  Well as I didn't have long to wait I figured I'd at least take the chance to ask a couple of questions.  When  I was called I approached the window, confirmed that Visa wasn't accepted, and told her what I was there for.  I told her that I had found the forms on their web site and asked her if she knew how I was supposed to submit my fingerprints to the FDLE.  She asked if I had printed the forms from the "Packet" or from the "individual" forms list...of course I had printed the petition from the "individual" forms list. Well she pulled out a sheet and handed it to me and told me that it would tell me how to send the fingerprints to the FDLE and gave me a web address to go to.  Ok, a setback, had to get the cash, but now I knew how to deal with the fingerprints.  I thanked her and left for work.

Back in the office I looked up the web address on the instruction sheet she had provided me, a broken link with of a bunch of code instructions on how to "debug" the file.  I have no programming knowledge and made a half-hearted effort to follow the instructions but no luck.  I did not that I was trying to open a PDF file but figured there would be instructions and a hyperlink to another web site.  I figured I'd try from home, maybe the security on the govt computers was getting in the way.  Well I thought I'd teach my class and go back to the courthouse, after going to the bank, after the class; they are open till 5:00pm and there is a courthouse closer to where I live, and  smaller one, so maybe it wouldn't be busy.

I left work about 3:00pm and went home and pulled up the clerk of courts web site and looked for the "packet" of forms I needed.  I quickly printed the ones I didn't have and filled them out the best I could.  Same problem with the payment for the FDLE form but I thought I could ask about it at the Clerk's office.  I didn't think they probably needed them all up front, like the final disposition form, but I'd fill them out and bring them with me anyway.  I found a parking space right away and thought that was a good sign.  I entered through security and made my way to the Clerk of Courts.  Well the parking space was a fluke.  I took a number, #49 and waited several minutes until they called the next number, #33.  I looked at the clock, 4:10, and started to wonder if 5:00 meant closing the doors and finishing with the people already inside or 5:00 meant the windows closed and those waiting were out of luck.  Well a couple more windows opened and at about 4:30 my number was called.  I approached the window and was glad to see that this clerk was a girl.  I told her that I was there to file a petition to change my name and had several forms with me.  I asked if there was an order she wished them in and she did not have a preference.  I started with the petition itself, the several pages, including the instructions, paper clipped together.  As I started to hand the package to her she stopped me and told me I had to separate them.  I took off the paperclip and went to hand them in again and she told me I needed to remove the instruction pages, and I did.  Finally she accepted the form and began to look it over.  I tried to make idle chat but she wasn't interested.  I thought, Govt employee at the end of a long day, so I gave her a break.  As she looked over the first page I knew exactly the time that she saw that a boy was changing their name to a girl's name.  She looked up and smiled pleasantly and I visibly saw her relax her poster from a "hurry up and get it done" sort of way to a "let's make sure we do this right the first time" sort of way.  She got out a binder and looked something up and continued reviewing the form.  As she went over each page thoroughly I was thinking that nearly every person that was served before me had something wrong when they went to the window.  This was everything from trying to pay with a Visa card to not completely filling out a passport application to trying to file the paperwork for a renewal passport when, as I came to learn, it was clearly marked on the instructions that you could only submit applications for a new passport via the Clerk of Courts.  As she finished reviewing my form, including two additional pages of information I added, she reached into her drawer and began to pull out another form.  When I saw what she was doing I reached into my folder and produced a completed Family Court Cover Sheet and asked if this was what I needed.  She smiled again as she acknowledged that I was correct and displayed a degree of surprise when she concluded all was in order.  Not about me, but due to the problems that the typical person had at the clerk's office.  Then she announced, that the filing fee would be $401, which I already knew.  I also had been to the bank and casually handed her $405, cash.  She provided my change and I began to explain the problem with paying to have the fingerprints submitted to the FDLE.  She suggested I try a certain abbreviated version of the web site, and I thanked her, though I was not at all optimistic.  As I was showing her the paper that the Sheriff's Office had provided me, which I thought was just proof that I had the fingerprints taken, I saw something about credit card payments and a web site on the bottom.  This was not the same web site as the other form and I suddenly felt optimistic, and told her so.  Business completed, the petition filed, I thanked her and left for home.  As soon as I got in I pulled up the web site and within a few minutes I had successfully paid the $43.25 fee and took a deep breath.  I had done it.

So at the end of the day:

Fingerprints     $5

Background check     $43.25

to file the petition     $401

The judge proclaiming me Laura Catherine Perry?       Priceless! 

Not I've really gone and done it.  At last.  :-)

I am sincerely,

Laura Catherine

Journal Entry: 03/11/2012 - Real Girls Don't do Yard Work and Other Things

Well it's spring and spring brings yard work.  I have a corner lot with lots of landscaping and 4 scrub oak trees in my back yard.  Thank God for the pool or the back yard would even take more work.  Well I spent most of yesterday raking and bagging the leaves in the back yard.  My wife was nice enough to hold the bags open.  Thirteen bags later (a whole box) there are still three piles left.  We bought new bags but it's been raining all day so they'll have to sit there until they dry out.  There is also the issue of getting the leaves out of the space between the roof and the  frame of the screen for the pool.  There is a portion of screen that collects leaves. I have to blow them from on end to the roof of the patio and then climb onto the flat patio roof and collect them while I clear our the rain gutter.  There are palm trees to prune, regular weed treatments in the landscaping, fertilizing the lawn and pruning the bushes.  The oaks have to be pruned professionally.  That's just the back yard.  The pool area needs pressure washing and really could use a new coat of paint on the pad around the pool.  It does all get done but it seems to take forever.  Well one day into it and I've got a blister between my thumb and forefinger already.  So, I've concluded that real girls don't do yard work so next year (when my boy muscles are much less present anyway) I'm going to have to hire someone to at least do the hard part...the raking.  The rest is relatively easy.  Nope, real girls don't to the tough yard work and that includes me.

So, other things?  Well this past week I told my boss about Laura and she was great and very reassuring about my job.  Then I went to civilian personnel, armed with the information about protections for federal govt employees against discrimination against transgendered people.  She was also great and very reassuring.  There are two more people in my immediate leadership to tell and that will be all the important people.  I suspect there will be a discussion with the Wing Commander and perhaps the senior staff of the base.  There are the professional staff in the hospital where I work and the rest of the medical personnel.  There are Sq Commanders and First Sergeants across the base and my colleagues across the Air Force, including friends I've known for years in the Surgeon General's office.Well after my local leadership will be the colleagues in my office. All that could happen in the next couple of weeks.  I've already got the paperwork filled out for my name change and I see my endocrinologist on Wednesday.  I will being the requirements for gender marker change from the US State Dept (passport) and the Florida Driver's License Bureau.  All I need is for her to say that I have undergone sufficient medical treatment to complete my transition.  I'm going to ask her what that will mean for her.  I am confident that she will not require SRS but I am suspicious that she will want me to have an orchiectomy.  I've had a consult with a urologist about that procedure and it seems pretty simple really but my insurance wont cover a dime of the 5k its going to cost.  Well if it has to be done it has to be done.  It's possible she is ready to write the letter now but I'm suspicious she will want the surgery or longer on hormones first.  My driver's license is due to be renewed in June and I'd love to have it reflect my new name and a "F" gender.  I think I have enough time for the name change, I hope she will write the letter by then.  Somewhere along the line I will start presenting as a girl at work.  Because I have to have an ID to get on the base and get into my computer, and I won't be able to get them changes until the legal issues are resolved, I suspect I will not be able to present as a girl at work until those are done. June would be nice.  I also have a conference in July with my colleagues across the AF and the staff from the Surgeon General's office.  It would be great if Laura could attend that conference.  It's only once a year so otherwise it will be a year until these people get to put a face to my transition.  I could always send a picture, but it's not the same.  Every time I tell someone I show a picture, actually my profile picture from here, because it's human nature to imagine what I'd look like and I don't want them to have a false image....better or worse than I really look.  Then there are college transcripts and diplomas, professional license, passport and driver's license of course, bank records, social security, IRS and my personnel records and more.  Seems overwhelming to think of it all at once but I try to focus on one step at a time.

So that's about it but things do keep moving forward.  Oh yeah, my wife?   She is hanging in there.

I am sincerely,

Laura Catherine

Journal Entry: 06/03/2012 - Good News/Bad News

So a day of mixed emotions.  First, my direct boss, a psychologist, wanted to talk with me this morning about some clinic matters.  When we were done I, very unexpectedly, told her that I had some news that may knock her socks off.  She listened with concern and said, "You're not leaving are you?".  Now you have to understand that I am one of the key leaders in our clinic and was first in charge when she was deployed and our psychiatrist had move on to another assignment.  I was in charge from Jan - Oct 2011 and we had major inspections in December and January, earning perfect scores on both.  Not to say that was all me but I did have a key role in those results.  I was also just named the civilian supervisor of the year for the entire hospital.  The point here is not to blow my own horn but to explain why she relies on me, trusts my experienced and knowledge and respects me.  So, she was concerned I might be moving on to another job.  I told her no and she looked a little relieved, but was waiting and listening intently for what I was about to tell her.  So after thinking for a minute about how to tell her, I started with the fact that I had been struggling with something for my entire life but only came to realize it since this past summer.  I then went on to tell her that I was transgendered, specifically transsexual.  I told her that I have been in therapy since April, on hormones since December and am in the middle of laser facial hair removal.  I told her that I want to transition completely and have been living full time as a woman on weekends for months.  I told her that I was concerned about my job, even though the federal government has protections against discrimination again transgendered individuals and even has established procedures to reconstruct a personnel file.  She was surprised to find I was concerned about my job and restated my value to this clinic.  After talking with her I found myself wondering why I was concerned about my job.  Probably because so many others have lost theirs.  I told her that I have an appointment with civilian personnel on Thursday to talk with them and that our Squadron Commander should be next, followed by the hospital Commander.  She assured me she would be supportive and felt that the staff would be accepting as well.  I showed her a couple of my more recent pictures and she even said she thought I was beautiful.  :-)  When I showed her the one that is my profile on here, and on facebook, her first remark was, "Wow".  She also said, as others have, that I look really happy.  Well I am, when I am Laura and enough people have noticed it so it must be true.  As far as my patients, she agreed that they should have the choice of continuing with me or transferring to another therapist.  So, anyway, that's done and I was in a good mood all day, feeling another important step had been taken.

Now the not so good news.  By the time my wife got home from work I had finished spraying the weeds in our flower beds, fed the dogs, emptied the dishwasher, taken out the trash and prepared the salad to go with our dinner.  I had a cup of tea waiting for her when she walked in the door.  Now I do get home earlier than she does and she was particularly late tonight.  It's not unusual for me to do these type of things before she gets home.  I let her have her tea and sit down and relax for a bit before I told her that I had told my boss and that she was supportive.  We both had been worried about my job and she had asked me to keep it out of my work.  I never agreed to but when I didn't she felt as though I took no notice of what she had asked of me.  It's just so hard to explain this in a way to anyone, in a way that would make any sense.  Heck, it doesn't make sense to me most of the time.  Anyway, she wasn't happy at all.  I know she is worried and I understand that.  I know she feels that she cannot be married to a woman because the idea of it just doesn't fit her experience.  I also know that she loves the person inside this body and I still believe that if she gives us a chance, we will be ok.  I sure hope so.

I guess the answer to my last journal entry about whether transition is a choice or not is, no, it's not a choice.  In spite of what I have to lose, I am just compelled to go through with this.  I found the change of name forms from the clerk of courts on the Internet and forwarded them home to begin working on them.  It will take a little while as I have to do some research on places that I lived when I was little and some other parts.  I have to have a local and national criminal background check done, fingerprints, file the forms, get a court date and then can get my name changed.  It's March 6th.  My driver's license expires on my birthday in June.  I'm setting a personal goal to try and get this done by then.  I don't know if it's possible but to change my name after I get my new license is not a big deal.  Next is to talk with my endocrinologist about what it will take her to write a letter stating that I have undergone sufficient medical treatment to complete my transition.  I hope she doesn't require surgery.  I've printed the Florida DMV and US State Dept passport policies (they are the same) and will bring them to my next appointment a week from tomorrow.  I have a feeling that once things start rolling they will go quite fast. 

The obstacles are falling by the wayside one after the other.  My siblings, my kids, my work...there are not many, if any, important ones left.....except my wife.  I love her dearly and truly hope we can survive my transition.  So, for today, that's the good news and the bad news.

I am sincerely,

Laura Catherine

Journal Entry: 04/03/2012 - Is it Still a Choice?

So my life is up and down like a yo-yo.  It definitely goes with my changing back and forth between presenting as a boy during the work week and a girl on weekends but it's more than that.  There are times when my wife seems to accept me and other times she pleads with me to be 'normal', meaning a boy full time. I tell her that it's no longer a choice and that I would die, at least emotionally, if I stopped my journey now.  I wonder sometimes if the price is worth it....is it a choice?  Maybe so, I could choose to die......i guess that's a choice.  Something to consider anyway.

I am sincerely,

Laura Catherine

Journal Entry: 02/26/2012 - About Last Night

So, about last night. My wife and I went out again to the usual places.  First Squid Lips but only for one because it was really cold and windy on the deck in spite of their heaters and the plastic windows around the outside.  Plus it was packed and we had to stand or sit on bar stools in the back corner, not even at a table.  Plus, the band wasn't that great.  So it was on to Lou's Blues, earlier than usual, just after 8:00.

We did find seats at a half moon shaped table, facing the dance floor.  We were listening to Karaoke and getting into the atmosphere when this guy from the other night came in.  Sure enough he sat across from us at our table.  He looked back and made an acknowledging remark.  Shortly thereafter he asked my wife to dance and she politely declined.  He then said, "what, you don't like to dance?" and she shook her head no, which is a lie.  Well not long after that another guy winked at her from the bar (I didn't notice but she told me later) and then came over and took am empty seat next to her.  She is so warm and inviting that guys figure they can talk with her and she won't be mean to them, and they are right.  He introduced himself and started talking away to her.  I was on her other side and kept looking toward the singer, ignoring him.  My wife tapped me and told me he was talking to me.  Which he was, surely trying to be polite but so that she wouldn't think badly of him for ignoring me.  Well he kept on, talking about his job, money, property....clearly trying to impress her.  While she chatted back with him she never led him on or said anything that would suggest he had a chance with her.  He offered to buy us a drink at one point but she said we already had one, mostly because she didn't know how I would feel.  I guess this is going to happen when we go out so I suppose we need to have a plan in advance.  Well after a while we decided to go out for a cigarette and that got us away from him for a minute.  Well no sooner had we gotten outside and lit up when the other guy, the one from the other night, the Portuguese, came out.  Now there is a covered area outside where people go to smoke and it's big.  There are the benches at one end and lots of standing room.  Well there is an old barber's chair by the door and a round bar table but no other seats.  She sat in the chair and I stood next to her. The chilly north wind was blocked by the building.  So what did he do?  Just guess.  Yes, of course he came over and stood by us. He didn't say a lot but my wife asked him if he drove home from the club (vs a cab or some other means of getting home?) and he made out he didn't hear her and came over and stood between us and told her about the fancy car he has.  Well we quickly finished our cigarette and went back inside, this time to the ladies room for a bit of peace and quiet. When we came out it was back to our table and the second guy was over in a minute.  Eventually the band came on and he was  up and down, even dancing with some other girl one time.  We shifted our seats a couple of times but he still managed to end up near her.  We got tired of the whole thing, or I did and she sensed it, and let at about 10:00. 

We stopped back for one more at Squid Lips on the way home.  It  was still packed but we found seats at the bar.  She did have just the one and left.

My wife has told me many times, "You reap what you sow", but I never thought of it in quite this way.  If I am going to be a girl and we are going to be out together, guys are going to flirt with her or both of us.  Somehow I'm going to have to get used to this but, right now, I have no idea how to handle it, I just get embarrassed.  So today is, about last night.

I am sincerely,

Laura Catherine

Journal Entry: 02/24/2012 - Bad Hair Day

Well yesterday was a day to remember and a day to forget, all in one.  When we woke up with jet lag at 3:30am I decided I would wash my hair. It needed it anyway so I thought I'd just get it done seeing I was up anyway.  Well I've washed it while wearing it and in she shower several times with no problems.  It's been nice to feel the hair half way down my naked back...esp since my boy hair is kept very short.  So, I washed and conditioned it using my wife's Pantene shampoo and conditioner.  Washing it in the shower loosens the glue on the tape and I easily peeled it off and took the blow dryer to it.  Well within a minute I noticed a huge snarl.  I tried to gently work it out but it only got worse.  Eventually the front was matted so badly that it was never going to come out.  Well I had my first emotional moment and burst into tears.  Really probably not necessary because the worst that would happen is that I would order a new one and have it next week.  I did look forward to going out with my wife this weekend but to be fair, it really wasn't the end of the world. It sure felt like it though.

Finally I gave up on this one and checked the online store where I bought it.  I tried to find a retail store around me and called one but all they had were synthetic, front lace and that just cannot compare to human hair, full lace.  Well the online store didn't open until 10 (good thing it was Friday and not the weekend as they are only open weekdays. It's actually a retail store that also sells online.  They are a distributor for retail stores but also do a retail business.  I did a lot of checking and they do have the best prices by far.  I called before 10:00 but no answer.  They don't have a lot of staff so they aren't great about answering the phone.  I started to panic so I went to their web site and sent them an e-mail...came back undeliverable....oh no!  Finally I used their order form to contact them and explain what had happened and exactly what I wanted.  I also knew that they offered next day delivery but ordering online only gave the option of using basic delivery which was 5-7 days.  At 10:00 I called again, no answer.  I could feel my heart beating and waited 10 minutes and called again, voila!  They answered. I told the girl on the phone that I wanted to place an order but I couldn't get what I wanted from their web site.  She excused herself and got the store manager on the phone.  I've talked with her before and she remembered me.  I always order my tape from them.  It sounds like a lot of aggravation but it's really not. Anyway I explained what I had done but we were both at a loss to figure out what happened.  She did say that occasionally customers had commented that this had happened to them.  Well she did tell me to use gentle shampoo, and suggested Dove and Dove conditioner.  She said that the more expensive brand name ones were the worst for you due to the chemicals (mea will like that part).  I told her that I wash it about once every two weekends, not because it seems dirty but because it seemed dry and I wanted to condition it.  Well in addition to using gentle shampoo she said to use only a little.  Well because you really can't lather it into the scalp like you do your own hair, I used loads....mistake #2.  She also said that to just keep it soft and silky I really just need to use this oil they sell, on the ends, and then take a flat iron to it.  Well, like I said, it doesn't really get dirty, it just gets dry.  So, I was washing it too much anyway.  Well I arranged to by the one I wanted and paid for next day delivery.  She was going to include some samples so I could try their products (I was very interested in the oil) before I would decide to by them.

So we went out last night but I was in boy mode. It felt very strange as It's only a couple of times since Dec that I have been out socially as a boy.  The other time was my daughter's birthday on Feb 5.  But, I tolerated it, well aware of the act I was putting on and got home relatively early.  So now we are sitting here in the house at 1:15pm waiting for the mailman.  The tracking info says it arrived at our post office a 9:44 this morning.  It's supposed to be next day delivery and better be after I paid $25 for shipping.  I'd feel better if the tracking information said "out for delivery".  Keep your fingers crossed, we have plans for this afternoon, tonight and tomorrow.

Yes, a very bad hair day indeed.

I am sincerely,

Laura Catherine

Journal Entry: 02/24/2012 - New Beginnings

Well last night was the first time that got to be my true self and have a real life day with my lovely wife. I have to admit, she was terrific. In the morning I just transitioned like I normally do on weekends, without even saying anything to her. We had talked the night before, when she got in from England, and came to an understanding that Laura is here to stay and she needs to find out if she can deal with her in real life. I wore a pink lace bra and matching thong panties, brown Capri’s and a casual, short sleeve orange top with my new girl flip flops. Very casual dress with the point of blending in. So here we were....the first day of finding out.

We started the day at our usual weekend breakfast place, Panera Bread. I agreed to walk in ahead of her so that she could follow and not necessarily appear to be with me. That way she could observe the looks that others gave me. Remember, I am 5'8" so though short by boy standards, tall for a girl. So I went in and ordered. I looked around to watch her come in the door but didn't see her. I turned all the way around and she was already ordering. My breakfast came first of course so I took my breakfast sandwich, bacon - egg - cheese on ciabatta, and coffee to a table. She followed shortly thereafter and sat at another table very close to me. We ate our breakfast, not speaking too much and I felt very self conscious, way more than usual. I think it's because she doesn't think I look like a girl. I had to keep reminding me that it was because she knows me so well and can recognize me. I can recognize myself.....but that makes since. It's not a disguise, it's me being myself. I went to the toilet (ladies of course) and then went back to the table and we left together. She commented that she saw people looking at me. Well of course people look, everyone looks at everybody, and it’s a natural thing. What I didn't see and she had to admit, was that no one stared and no one did a double take. I felt that I had blended in but her doubts created more in me.

Next stop was Walmart as she needed shampoo. It was a quick and uneventful trip, again with her entering behind me and observing from a distance.

Then the spa, we both had pedicures and while I had a manicure she had a set of acrylic nails applied. My natural nails are plenty long. We decided to pay the $300+ to get permanent eyebrows done but the stylist was busy so we made appointments for the next day. All went well in there and I just have to remember to smile anytime someone looks my way as it highlights my cheekbones and gives my face more of a feminine look. Besides, several people have told me I have a nice smile, and I think I do too. :-)

 

Now home for a "kip", which is a nap in England. A couple of hours later we were awake and planning our evening. She agreed to follow my normal routine of Squid Lips followed by an hour or so at Lou's Blues. It was a Thursday but I knew they had live music at Lou's Blues every night at 9:00 pm. I changed into jeans and my 3" wedges but left the same top on. We got to Squid Lips and now walked in together. I'm not sure it's right but I have to remember to ignore a lifetime of social training and be careful not to always hold the door to let her walk in first. No, I don't let it slam in her face but if I get to the door first I enter and then reach back and hold it for her. Well it turns out that on Thursdays from 6:00 - 10:00 pm they have live music. We got there at about 6:30 and it was still happy hour till 7:00. We agreed to order chicken wings with our favorite teriyaki - garlic sauce. I really fancied them, though they are so messy to eat. We both ended up cutting off as much meat as we could with our plastic silverware and finally getting to the rest by holding them in our fingers. We drank 3 beers each (can't beat happy hour prices) and left around 8:00. It was a nice time and not sure if it was the beer or not but she relaxed, and I followed and we had fun. It was so nice to have someone to talk with when I'm out and we talked, laughed, ate and drank. Yes, a good time was had by all. Ok, so we made fun of this guy with a mushed in face who acted like he was a part of the band and then had to "fan his t-shirt" after every song as he walked across the bar. :-) It was funny though. So we had a good time, doing normal things. One more stop before the night was done.

Lou's Blues...... Here, it was the usual wine with ice on the side. Adding ice to the wine stretches it out which means we don't drink as much and is therefore cheaper and we are not concerned about driving. Well one turned into two and we were there for the band at 9:00. All in all we were there nearly two hours and had 2 drinks. Well I had a new experience there, or should I say experiences. We were sitting at the bar chatting and minding our own business when this guy a couple of bar stools over came over between us, putting his hands on the back of each of our chairs and introduced himself and his friend. He was probably 30 ish. My wife introduced herself and when he turned to me and said, "And you are?" I answered him, "Laura". He heard my wife's accent and for the next 10-15 minutes we were talking about England as he had been in the AF there, very near where we had lived. In fact, he lived for a while in the same village we did. I remember using the word "we" a lot, though not intentionally - just because it was true. What I wonder, but will never know, is if he concluded that we might be lesbians. Eventually he turned and asked me how tall I was and I told him 5'8". He asked if he could have his picture taken with me by his friend, stating that he was the smallest guy in the world. He didn't look that small until I stood up and stood 5"11 with my 3" heels. Well if he was 5'2" he was a giant. His friend took the picture and I commented on small he really was. No, I didn't mean there but who knows if he might have taken it that way. A few minutes later he left and his friend said a couple of things but then left us alone. I'm not used to this kind of attention and it makes me uncomfortable because I'm not sure how to handle it.

Well I would have a chance to get some more experience the same night. We went outside to smoke a cigarette and sat down on a bench. No more than had we lit up when this guy, in his late 60's I'd say, came out to smoke as well. Well he sat down on the far end of the same bench my wife was sitting on, about 6 feet away. My bench attached at the near end forming an "L". He started a casual conversation with mostly my wife as I tended to ignore him. Learning more than we cared to know we learned that he was Portuguese (his mother was from Portugal and his dad American), he had lived in S. Africa for 35 yrs (explaining his accent) and that his wife had died 8 yrs ago. He did have two children but it wasn't clear to me whether they lived locally or not, but I didn't get the feeling they were close by. Then he "slyly", though obviously, scooted closer to her....then again. Now my wife is not only lovely but she is very friendly and gives off vibes that she would not be mean to you if you talked with her. She'd look at me and give me the look like, "I wish he would just fuck off", and roll her eyes but then turn back to him and smile and continue to talk. Well we finished our cigarette (a fag in England) and quickly excused ourselves and went back inside to our seats. I could see behind me via the mirror behind the bar and sure enough within a few minutes he approached, standing beside me (my wife was on the other side of me). He ordered a coke or whatever non alcoholic drink he was drinking out of a paper coke cup...probably water. He made it clear that we were to notice that he was there and made one casual comment but didn't linger. A short time later he was back, this time on my wife's side. He would just stand at the bar and stretch....which is an odd thing to do I think, and then went back to his seat behind us. He did this a couple of times until we disappeared into the sanctuary of the ladies restroom. When we came out we finished our drinks and left shortly thereafter. Clearly he was lonely and we did feel a little sorry for him, but for God sakes, he needs to set his sights a bit lower if he wants to hook up with someone.

Laura at Lou's Blues

My Lovely Lynda at Lou's Blues

Yes, it looks like new beginnings and some new experiences. I really wish guys would just leave us alone but my wife is so open and inviting that I'd better get used to it. Yes, new beginnings, for both of us. :-)

I am sincerely,

Laura Catherine

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Journal Entry: 02/23/2012 - The Reunion

Well my lovely wife is finally back. With the 5 hrs time difference from England she did well to stay up until 10:00 est last night. Of course jet lag had us up at 3:30am but i don't mind because it means more hours with her. Yes, I told her I would pick her up at the airport in boy mode but i did change into my pink cotton nightdress to go to sleep, and am still wearing it now. I will transition this morning and spend the next 4 days as my true self. I am so excited for her to really get to know me because up until now the only exposure to Laura was a couple of hours at a gay bar on weekends, not real life. She worries about someone "making me" but she'll soon see how well I blend in. She is so lovely. I forgot just how much I missed her until I saw her coming through security at the airport. I did do the husband thing and brought her flowers, though I would have done the same thing as her wife.

We thought we'd test out my boy parts while I still have them. They never worked very well before hormones but are totally ineffective now. I don't really mind because pleasuring her has always been my main focus anyway. Her body still works just fine by the way. :-) We've talked already about how we could have sex if I had girl parts....I think she is beginning to accept the idea that I am transitioning. I am very hopeful that we are going to be ok. I am clear that she loves me, not my body, but what is inside of me, and that's Laura anyway. I even broke a nail, they are my own, and she help me put one of her stick ons over it so I wouldn't have a short one.  It's off to the spa today for manicures and pedicures.  :-)

So here is a picture of my lovely wife. Bear in mind that this picture is after a 9 hour flight across the Atlantic and no makeup. She just let her hair down and fluffed it with her hands. Isn't she gorgeous? I'm clearly the luckiest girl in the world. :-)

My lovely wife, Lynda

I am sincerely,

 Laura Catherine

Journal Entry: 02/22/2012 - Home Coming!

Well the day is finally here.  My lovely wife comes home from Enland today after 12 weeks away.  Gosh I've missed her.  She lands in less than two hours. Enough said. :-)

I am sincerely,

Laura Catherine

Journal Entry: 02/21/2012 - Reunion Time

I am so excited.  My wife is due back from the UK tomorrow after 12 weeks away.  A lot has happened since she left most significantly starting hormones.  Another key event is that the anxious excitement of going out as a girl as gone and it just seems very much normal now.  I don't "become" anymore, I just "am".  I looked in the mirror today after I got out of bed to get ready for work and heard myself saying, "you are one ugly guy"....then I reminded myself that image staring back at me wasn't really me and I rephrased...."you would make one ugly guy".  That felt better.  :-)

I am sincerely,

Laura Catherine 

Journal Entry: 02/21/2012 - A Surreal Life

So today it was back to boy mode for work.  This being after 72 consecutive hours of being my true female self.  It felt really surreal.  I noticed that, as a boy, I do everything fast.  I walk fast, talk too much, eat fast...everything is in a rush.  Laura on the other hand takes everything easy. I eat slower, walk slower - an not just because I tend to wear heels a lot, I talk more easy, and less.  The behavior definately matches what's going on inside.  Laura is calm and easy going.  My boy self is anxious and rushed.

Yes, it was most definately felt surreal today.  Guess which mode is the real deal.  For me there is no question.

I am sincerely,

Laura Catherine

Journal Entry: 02/20/2012 - Urology Visit

So I had prepared the receptionist that I would be coming to my appointment as my true self and my insurance card would not match my presentation.  I also have her my female name.  When I got there I told her, Allison, that I was the doctor's 2:00 patient and when she asked my name I gave her my female first and last name.  My last name is the same of course.  She looked into her drawer with her files and pulled mine out, "here you are"she said.  My first visit so of course there was paperwork to fill out.  Any place they asked my name I added Laura to my legal (for now) name.  Well the whole staff was great, including  the doctor.  The most embarrassing part was exposing my boy parts for his examination.  I was embarrassed that I had them.  Of course that was why I was there, a consult about an Orchiectomy. I have to pay out of pocket because my insurance won't pay so their office manager was able to give me his costs and a phone number to call at the hospital to get their costs and info about the anesthesiologist.  The hospital is looking up the info as we speak.  She will give me a phone number to anesthesia so I can ask them.  Money is the only barrier.  My endocrinologist wanted me to get it done for health reasons.  I can stop the spiro and cut back on estrogen which will reduce the health risks associated with the hormones.  Let's see what the cost it.

I am sincerely,

Laura Catherine

Journal Entry: 02/20/2012 - So This is What Normalcy Feels Like

I was driving to Panera Bread on Saturday morning for my usual weekend breakfast and it stuck me.  Another light bulb moment I guess.  This time is was something I didn't feel.  I didn't have the rush of anxious excitement that I think was probably fueled by self doubt about "passing".  BTW, I'm not going to use that term anymore.  Seems it suggests fooling people and I'm not trying to fool anyone.  I am just being myself and trying to blend in.  So, from now on it's "blending in". 

Anyway, that rush of anxious excitement was missing.  When I thought about it I didn't even have that rush when I transitioned to Laura on Friday after work.  It's just become something I do.  Well that same feeling was there all weekend, or absence of feeling. I was just being.  Being myself.  There still was none of that noise in my head like when I present as a boy.  No thrill of adrenaline like there has been.  Just a true sense of peace with the world. Over these past few days I've come to embrace thatfeeling that, in it's own right, is another "first".  This one I expect to hang onto for the rest of my life. 

I want to thank my wife, the angel, for helping me to find myself and step into the light from the darkness I had lived in for the first 56 yrs of my life.  I love you sweetheart. <3

Yes, this is what normalcy feels like, and I like it.  :-)

I am sincerely,

Laura Catherine

Journal Entry: 02/20/2012 - Kids Do the Darndest Things

I had a scary moment while waiting to see my therapist but it worked out great.  Some have said that the first people to "make you" as a TS will be kids.  So of course on the day I got there early there were to little kids in the waiting room waiting for their mom. I know because I asked the little girl.  Turns out she was in with my therpist.  One was a boy about 6 I'd say and the other a girl about 5.  They both smiled when I came in and sat down.  When I said hi to the little girl she said hi back.  Well we had about a 15 minute wait until my appointment time.  Well the little girl had to tell me about the magazine she was looking at, then about the boo boo on her foot.  I told her to be sure to tell her mom about it when she came out.  Eventually she found some blocks and was going to stack them. She started with some big legos and was telling me how she was going to build a wall up to the ceiling.  Then she found these smooth, cube blocks about 4" long.  She told me about a game you can play with them.  She showed me that you take three and lay them side by side and then take three more and lay them accross the first three but perpendicular and then another three and so on.  So guess what, she asked me to get down on the floor and play with her.  So I got down on the floor and helped her stack blocks until her mom and the therapist came out of the office and saw us. The mom thanked me for helping occupy her little girl and I said sure thing and went into the office with my therapist.  As soon as the door was closed she said, "well, you passed".  Indeed.  That is like the final test as far as I'm concerned.  Looks like I'm good to go.  You know? I enjoy watching babies and little children a lot more than I used to. They never fail to put a smile on my face.  What's all that about?  I never even used to notice  them.

Yes, kids to the dandest things.  :-)

I am sincerely,

Laura Catherine