Journal Entry: 02/26/2012 - About Last Night

So, about last night. My wife and I went out again to the usual places.  First Squid Lips but only for one because it was really cold and windy on the deck in spite of their heaters and the plastic windows around the outside.  Plus it was packed and we had to stand or sit on bar stools in the back corner, not even at a table.  Plus, the band wasn't that great.  So it was on to Lou's Blues, earlier than usual, just after 8:00.

We did find seats at a half moon shaped table, facing the dance floor.  We were listening to Karaoke and getting into the atmosphere when this guy from the other night came in.  Sure enough he sat across from us at our table.  He looked back and made an acknowledging remark.  Shortly thereafter he asked my wife to dance and she politely declined.  He then said, "what, you don't like to dance?" and she shook her head no, which is a lie.  Well not long after that another guy winked at her from the bar (I didn't notice but she told me later) and then came over and took am empty seat next to her.  She is so warm and inviting that guys figure they can talk with her and she won't be mean to them, and they are right.  He introduced himself and started talking away to her.  I was on her other side and kept looking toward the singer, ignoring him.  My wife tapped me and told me he was talking to me.  Which he was, surely trying to be polite but so that she wouldn't think badly of him for ignoring me.  Well he kept on, talking about his job, money, property....clearly trying to impress her.  While she chatted back with him she never led him on or said anything that would suggest he had a chance with her.  He offered to buy us a drink at one point but she said we already had one, mostly because she didn't know how I would feel.  I guess this is going to happen when we go out so I suppose we need to have a plan in advance.  Well after a while we decided to go out for a cigarette and that got us away from him for a minute.  Well no sooner had we gotten outside and lit up when the other guy, the one from the other night, the Portuguese, came out.  Now there is a covered area outside where people go to smoke and it's big.  There are the benches at one end and lots of standing room.  Well there is an old barber's chair by the door and a round bar table but no other seats.  She sat in the chair and I stood next to her. The chilly north wind was blocked by the building.  So what did he do?  Just guess.  Yes, of course he came over and stood by us. He didn't say a lot but my wife asked him if he drove home from the club (vs a cab or some other means of getting home?) and he made out he didn't hear her and came over and stood between us and told her about the fancy car he has.  Well we quickly finished our cigarette and went back inside, this time to the ladies room for a bit of peace and quiet. When we came out it was back to our table and the second guy was over in a minute.  Eventually the band came on and he was  up and down, even dancing with some other girl one time.  We shifted our seats a couple of times but he still managed to end up near her.  We got tired of the whole thing, or I did and she sensed it, and let at about 10:00. 

We stopped back for one more at Squid Lips on the way home.  It  was still packed but we found seats at the bar.  She did have just the one and left.

My wife has told me many times, "You reap what you sow", but I never thought of it in quite this way.  If I am going to be a girl and we are going to be out together, guys are going to flirt with her or both of us.  Somehow I'm going to have to get used to this but, right now, I have no idea how to handle it, I just get embarrassed.  So today is, about last night.

I am sincerely,

Laura Catherine

Journal Entry: 02/24/2012 - Bad Hair Day

Well yesterday was a day to remember and a day to forget, all in one.  When we woke up with jet lag at 3:30am I decided I would wash my hair. It needed it anyway so I thought I'd just get it done seeing I was up anyway.  Well I've washed it while wearing it and in she shower several times with no problems.  It's been nice to feel the hair half way down my naked back...esp since my boy hair is kept very short.  So, I washed and conditioned it using my wife's Pantene shampoo and conditioner.  Washing it in the shower loosens the glue on the tape and I easily peeled it off and took the blow dryer to it.  Well within a minute I noticed a huge snarl.  I tried to gently work it out but it only got worse.  Eventually the front was matted so badly that it was never going to come out.  Well I had my first emotional moment and burst into tears.  Really probably not necessary because the worst that would happen is that I would order a new one and have it next week.  I did look forward to going out with my wife this weekend but to be fair, it really wasn't the end of the world. It sure felt like it though.

Finally I gave up on this one and checked the online store where I bought it.  I tried to find a retail store around me and called one but all they had were synthetic, front lace and that just cannot compare to human hair, full lace.  Well the online store didn't open until 10 (good thing it was Friday and not the weekend as they are only open weekdays. It's actually a retail store that also sells online.  They are a distributor for retail stores but also do a retail business.  I did a lot of checking and they do have the best prices by far.  I called before 10:00 but no answer.  They don't have a lot of staff so they aren't great about answering the phone.  I started to panic so I went to their web site and sent them an e-mail...came back undeliverable....oh no!  Finally I used their order form to contact them and explain what had happened and exactly what I wanted.  I also knew that they offered next day delivery but ordering online only gave the option of using basic delivery which was 5-7 days.  At 10:00 I called again, no answer.  I could feel my heart beating and waited 10 minutes and called again, voila!  They answered. I told the girl on the phone that I wanted to place an order but I couldn't get what I wanted from their web site.  She excused herself and got the store manager on the phone.  I've talked with her before and she remembered me.  I always order my tape from them.  It sounds like a lot of aggravation but it's really not. Anyway I explained what I had done but we were both at a loss to figure out what happened.  She did say that occasionally customers had commented that this had happened to them.  Well she did tell me to use gentle shampoo, and suggested Dove and Dove conditioner.  She said that the more expensive brand name ones were the worst for you due to the chemicals (mea will like that part).  I told her that I wash it about once every two weekends, not because it seems dirty but because it seemed dry and I wanted to condition it.  Well in addition to using gentle shampoo she said to use only a little.  Well because you really can't lather it into the scalp like you do your own hair, I used loads....mistake #2.  She also said that to just keep it soft and silky I really just need to use this oil they sell, on the ends, and then take a flat iron to it.  Well, like I said, it doesn't really get dirty, it just gets dry.  So, I was washing it too much anyway.  Well I arranged to by the one I wanted and paid for next day delivery.  She was going to include some samples so I could try their products (I was very interested in the oil) before I would decide to by them.

So we went out last night but I was in boy mode. It felt very strange as It's only a couple of times since Dec that I have been out socially as a boy.  The other time was my daughter's birthday on Feb 5.  But, I tolerated it, well aware of the act I was putting on and got home relatively early.  So now we are sitting here in the house at 1:15pm waiting for the mailman.  The tracking info says it arrived at our post office a 9:44 this morning.  It's supposed to be next day delivery and better be after I paid $25 for shipping.  I'd feel better if the tracking information said "out for delivery".  Keep your fingers crossed, we have plans for this afternoon, tonight and tomorrow.

Yes, a very bad hair day indeed.

I am sincerely,

Laura Catherine

Journal Entry: 02/24/2012 - New Beginnings

Well last night was the first time that got to be my true self and have a real life day with my lovely wife. I have to admit, she was terrific. In the morning I just transitioned like I normally do on weekends, without even saying anything to her. We had talked the night before, when she got in from England, and came to an understanding that Laura is here to stay and she needs to find out if she can deal with her in real life. I wore a pink lace bra and matching thong panties, brown Capri’s and a casual, short sleeve orange top with my new girl flip flops. Very casual dress with the point of blending in. So here we were....the first day of finding out.

We started the day at our usual weekend breakfast place, Panera Bread. I agreed to walk in ahead of her so that she could follow and not necessarily appear to be with me. That way she could observe the looks that others gave me. Remember, I am 5'8" so though short by boy standards, tall for a girl. So I went in and ordered. I looked around to watch her come in the door but didn't see her. I turned all the way around and she was already ordering. My breakfast came first of course so I took my breakfast sandwich, bacon - egg - cheese on ciabatta, and coffee to a table. She followed shortly thereafter and sat at another table very close to me. We ate our breakfast, not speaking too much and I felt very self conscious, way more than usual. I think it's because she doesn't think I look like a girl. I had to keep reminding me that it was because she knows me so well and can recognize me. I can recognize myself.....but that makes since. It's not a disguise, it's me being myself. I went to the toilet (ladies of course) and then went back to the table and we left together. She commented that she saw people looking at me. Well of course people look, everyone looks at everybody, and it’s a natural thing. What I didn't see and she had to admit, was that no one stared and no one did a double take. I felt that I had blended in but her doubts created more in me.

Next stop was Walmart as she needed shampoo. It was a quick and uneventful trip, again with her entering behind me and observing from a distance.

Then the spa, we both had pedicures and while I had a manicure she had a set of acrylic nails applied. My natural nails are plenty long. We decided to pay the $300+ to get permanent eyebrows done but the stylist was busy so we made appointments for the next day. All went well in there and I just have to remember to smile anytime someone looks my way as it highlights my cheekbones and gives my face more of a feminine look. Besides, several people have told me I have a nice smile, and I think I do too. :-)

 

Now home for a "kip", which is a nap in England. A couple of hours later we were awake and planning our evening. She agreed to follow my normal routine of Squid Lips followed by an hour or so at Lou's Blues. It was a Thursday but I knew they had live music at Lou's Blues every night at 9:00 pm. I changed into jeans and my 3" wedges but left the same top on. We got to Squid Lips and now walked in together. I'm not sure it's right but I have to remember to ignore a lifetime of social training and be careful not to always hold the door to let her walk in first. No, I don't let it slam in her face but if I get to the door first I enter and then reach back and hold it for her. Well it turns out that on Thursdays from 6:00 - 10:00 pm they have live music. We got there at about 6:30 and it was still happy hour till 7:00. We agreed to order chicken wings with our favorite teriyaki - garlic sauce. I really fancied them, though they are so messy to eat. We both ended up cutting off as much meat as we could with our plastic silverware and finally getting to the rest by holding them in our fingers. We drank 3 beers each (can't beat happy hour prices) and left around 8:00. It was a nice time and not sure if it was the beer or not but she relaxed, and I followed and we had fun. It was so nice to have someone to talk with when I'm out and we talked, laughed, ate and drank. Yes, a good time was had by all. Ok, so we made fun of this guy with a mushed in face who acted like he was a part of the band and then had to "fan his t-shirt" after every song as he walked across the bar. :-) It was funny though. So we had a good time, doing normal things. One more stop before the night was done.

Lou's Blues...... Here, it was the usual wine with ice on the side. Adding ice to the wine stretches it out which means we don't drink as much and is therefore cheaper and we are not concerned about driving. Well one turned into two and we were there for the band at 9:00. All in all we were there nearly two hours and had 2 drinks. Well I had a new experience there, or should I say experiences. We were sitting at the bar chatting and minding our own business when this guy a couple of bar stools over came over between us, putting his hands on the back of each of our chairs and introduced himself and his friend. He was probably 30 ish. My wife introduced herself and when he turned to me and said, "And you are?" I answered him, "Laura". He heard my wife's accent and for the next 10-15 minutes we were talking about England as he had been in the AF there, very near where we had lived. In fact, he lived for a while in the same village we did. I remember using the word "we" a lot, though not intentionally - just because it was true. What I wonder, but will never know, is if he concluded that we might be lesbians. Eventually he turned and asked me how tall I was and I told him 5'8". He asked if he could have his picture taken with me by his friend, stating that he was the smallest guy in the world. He didn't look that small until I stood up and stood 5"11 with my 3" heels. Well if he was 5'2" he was a giant. His friend took the picture and I commented on small he really was. No, I didn't mean there but who knows if he might have taken it that way. A few minutes later he left and his friend said a couple of things but then left us alone. I'm not used to this kind of attention and it makes me uncomfortable because I'm not sure how to handle it.

Well I would have a chance to get some more experience the same night. We went outside to smoke a cigarette and sat down on a bench. No more than had we lit up when this guy, in his late 60's I'd say, came out to smoke as well. Well he sat down on the far end of the same bench my wife was sitting on, about 6 feet away. My bench attached at the near end forming an "L". He started a casual conversation with mostly my wife as I tended to ignore him. Learning more than we cared to know we learned that he was Portuguese (his mother was from Portugal and his dad American), he had lived in S. Africa for 35 yrs (explaining his accent) and that his wife had died 8 yrs ago. He did have two children but it wasn't clear to me whether they lived locally or not, but I didn't get the feeling they were close by. Then he "slyly", though obviously, scooted closer to her....then again. Now my wife is not only lovely but she is very friendly and gives off vibes that she would not be mean to you if you talked with her. She'd look at me and give me the look like, "I wish he would just fuck off", and roll her eyes but then turn back to him and smile and continue to talk. Well we finished our cigarette (a fag in England) and quickly excused ourselves and went back inside to our seats. I could see behind me via the mirror behind the bar and sure enough within a few minutes he approached, standing beside me (my wife was on the other side of me). He ordered a coke or whatever non alcoholic drink he was drinking out of a paper coke cup...probably water. He made it clear that we were to notice that he was there and made one casual comment but didn't linger. A short time later he was back, this time on my wife's side. He would just stand at the bar and stretch....which is an odd thing to do I think, and then went back to his seat behind us. He did this a couple of times until we disappeared into the sanctuary of the ladies restroom. When we came out we finished our drinks and left shortly thereafter. Clearly he was lonely and we did feel a little sorry for him, but for God sakes, he needs to set his sights a bit lower if he wants to hook up with someone.

Laura at Lou's Blues

My Lovely Lynda at Lou's Blues

Yes, it looks like new beginnings and some new experiences. I really wish guys would just leave us alone but my wife is so open and inviting that I'd better get used to it. Yes, new beginnings, for both of us. :-)

I am sincerely,

Laura Catherine

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Journal Entry: 02/23/2012 - The Reunion

Well my lovely wife is finally back. With the 5 hrs time difference from England she did well to stay up until 10:00 est last night. Of course jet lag had us up at 3:30am but i don't mind because it means more hours with her. Yes, I told her I would pick her up at the airport in boy mode but i did change into my pink cotton nightdress to go to sleep, and am still wearing it now. I will transition this morning and spend the next 4 days as my true self. I am so excited for her to really get to know me because up until now the only exposure to Laura was a couple of hours at a gay bar on weekends, not real life. She worries about someone "making me" but she'll soon see how well I blend in. She is so lovely. I forgot just how much I missed her until I saw her coming through security at the airport. I did do the husband thing and brought her flowers, though I would have done the same thing as her wife.

We thought we'd test out my boy parts while I still have them. They never worked very well before hormones but are totally ineffective now. I don't really mind because pleasuring her has always been my main focus anyway. Her body still works just fine by the way. :-) We've talked already about how we could have sex if I had girl parts....I think she is beginning to accept the idea that I am transitioning. I am very hopeful that we are going to be ok. I am clear that she loves me, not my body, but what is inside of me, and that's Laura anyway. I even broke a nail, they are my own, and she help me put one of her stick ons over it so I wouldn't have a short one.  It's off to the spa today for manicures and pedicures.  :-)

So here is a picture of my lovely wife. Bear in mind that this picture is after a 9 hour flight across the Atlantic and no makeup. She just let her hair down and fluffed it with her hands. Isn't she gorgeous? I'm clearly the luckiest girl in the world. :-)

My lovely wife, Lynda

I am sincerely,

 Laura Catherine

Journal Entry: 02/22/2012 - Home Coming!

Well the day is finally here.  My lovely wife comes home from Enland today after 12 weeks away.  Gosh I've missed her.  She lands in less than two hours. Enough said. :-)

I am sincerely,

Laura Catherine

Journal Entry: 02/21/2012 - Reunion Time

I am so excited.  My wife is due back from the UK tomorrow after 12 weeks away.  A lot has happened since she left most significantly starting hormones.  Another key event is that the anxious excitement of going out as a girl as gone and it just seems very much normal now.  I don't "become" anymore, I just "am".  I looked in the mirror today after I got out of bed to get ready for work and heard myself saying, "you are one ugly guy"....then I reminded myself that image staring back at me wasn't really me and I rephrased...."you would make one ugly guy".  That felt better.  :-)

I am sincerely,

Laura Catherine 

Journal Entry: 02/21/2012 - A Surreal Life

So today it was back to boy mode for work.  This being after 72 consecutive hours of being my true female self.  It felt really surreal.  I noticed that, as a boy, I do everything fast.  I walk fast, talk too much, eat fast...everything is in a rush.  Laura on the other hand takes everything easy. I eat slower, walk slower - an not just because I tend to wear heels a lot, I talk more easy, and less.  The behavior definately matches what's going on inside.  Laura is calm and easy going.  My boy self is anxious and rushed.

Yes, it was most definately felt surreal today.  Guess which mode is the real deal.  For me there is no question.

I am sincerely,

Laura Catherine

Journal Entry: 02/20/2012 - Urology Visit

So I had prepared the receptionist that I would be coming to my appointment as my true self and my insurance card would not match my presentation.  I also have her my female name.  When I got there I told her, Allison, that I was the doctor's 2:00 patient and when she asked my name I gave her my female first and last name.  My last name is the same of course.  She looked into her drawer with her files and pulled mine out, "here you are"she said.  My first visit so of course there was paperwork to fill out.  Any place they asked my name I added Laura to my legal (for now) name.  Well the whole staff was great, including  the doctor.  The most embarrassing part was exposing my boy parts for his examination.  I was embarrassed that I had them.  Of course that was why I was there, a consult about an Orchiectomy. I have to pay out of pocket because my insurance won't pay so their office manager was able to give me his costs and a phone number to call at the hospital to get their costs and info about the anesthesiologist.  The hospital is looking up the info as we speak.  She will give me a phone number to anesthesia so I can ask them.  Money is the only barrier.  My endocrinologist wanted me to get it done for health reasons.  I can stop the spiro and cut back on estrogen which will reduce the health risks associated with the hormones.  Let's see what the cost it.

I am sincerely,

Laura Catherine

Journal Entry: 02/20/2012 - So This is What Normalcy Feels Like

I was driving to Panera Bread on Saturday morning for my usual weekend breakfast and it stuck me.  Another light bulb moment I guess.  This time is was something I didn't feel.  I didn't have the rush of anxious excitement that I think was probably fueled by self doubt about "passing".  BTW, I'm not going to use that term anymore.  Seems it suggests fooling people and I'm not trying to fool anyone.  I am just being myself and trying to blend in.  So, from now on it's "blending in". 

Anyway, that rush of anxious excitement was missing.  When I thought about it I didn't even have that rush when I transitioned to Laura on Friday after work.  It's just become something I do.  Well that same feeling was there all weekend, or absence of feeling. I was just being.  Being myself.  There still was none of that noise in my head like when I present as a boy.  No thrill of adrenaline like there has been.  Just a true sense of peace with the world. Over these past few days I've come to embrace thatfeeling that, in it's own right, is another "first".  This one I expect to hang onto for the rest of my life. 

I want to thank my wife, the angel, for helping me to find myself and step into the light from the darkness I had lived in for the first 56 yrs of my life.  I love you sweetheart. <3

Yes, this is what normalcy feels like, and I like it.  :-)

I am sincerely,

Laura Catherine

Journal Entry: 02/20/2012 - Kids Do the Darndest Things

I had a scary moment while waiting to see my therapist but it worked out great.  Some have said that the first people to "make you" as a TS will be kids.  So of course on the day I got there early there were to little kids in the waiting room waiting for their mom. I know because I asked the little girl.  Turns out she was in with my therpist.  One was a boy about 6 I'd say and the other a girl about 5.  They both smiled when I came in and sat down.  When I said hi to the little girl she said hi back.  Well we had about a 15 minute wait until my appointment time.  Well the little girl had to tell me about the magazine she was looking at, then about the boo boo on her foot.  I told her to be sure to tell her mom about it when she came out.  Eventually she found some blocks and was going to stack them. She started with some big legos and was telling me how she was going to build a wall up to the ceiling.  Then she found these smooth, cube blocks about 4" long.  She told me about a game you can play with them.  She showed me that you take three and lay them side by side and then take three more and lay them accross the first three but perpendicular and then another three and so on.  So guess what, she asked me to get down on the floor and play with her.  So I got down on the floor and helped her stack blocks until her mom and the therapist came out of the office and saw us. The mom thanked me for helping occupy her little girl and I said sure thing and went into the office with my therapist.  As soon as the door was closed she said, "well, you passed".  Indeed.  That is like the final test as far as I'm concerned.  Looks like I'm good to go.  You know? I enjoy watching babies and little children a lot more than I used to. They never fail to put a smile on my face.  What's all that about?  I never even used to notice  them.

Yes, kids to the dandest things.  :-)

I am sincerely,

Laura Catherine

Journal Entry: 02/19/2012: A Nice Chat

So I was at Squid Lips this afternoon for some music and a glass of wine.  The deck was packed but I was able to get a table after a few minutes.  I was nearly finished with me second glass of wine when that waitress that is the most friendly towards me stopped by to chat.  They are all great but she takes a little extra time to talk.  She is the one who told me about the old guy looking down her shirt the other night.  Well her name is Stephanie.  She's in her mid 20's I'd say.  When I mentioned how crowded it was for a Sunday she agreed and commented that it might be because tomorrow is a holiday (President's Day).  She went on to explain that she works Thurs-Fri-Sat and Sun and gets 40 hours in those 4 days.  She is supposed to work tomorrow but she doesn't want to.  She's really tired after 4 consecutive 10 hr days.  Well she went on to say that each waitress has to get 10 customers to sign up for their e-mail list, each week, or they will cut a shift from them.  Ten new e-mails a week?  She says most of the customers are regulars like me and have already signed up. 

I thought that was a lot to ask of them.  It makes me appreciate their good attitudes there even more.  One more reason that it's my favorite place to go.

I am sincerely,

Laura Catherine

/ournal Entry: 02/19/2012 - A Very Pleasant Suprise

So I continued getting the house in order for my wife's return from England when I received a very suprising e-mail, from my wife's daugthter, Sarah.  Now Sarah had found out about Laura in an awful way.  My and I were Facebook friends and I kept posting on her wall.  Well Sarah would see those post and became suspicious until she looked closer.  Looked?  Yes, I had a profile picture that she could.  Well she has been to our house several times and was able to recognize our living room by furniture and pictures on the wall in the background.  When she looked close enough at me she was able to recognized me.  Of course she asked her mom about it, who tried to explain but between embarrassment and not knowing quite what to say, she asked me to explain it.  So I did.  I sent a lenghthy e-mail to Sarah, trying to explain what a transsexual is and is not and more specifically about me and my transition. That was before the 1st of the year and I had heard nothing back, until tonight.  What I had heard was translated throuhg my wife and generally wasn't good.  Of course I knew that Sarah's feelings were reflecting my wife's, as they should.  Because my wife was struggling, Sarah was upset with me for causing that pain.  Well my wife has now come to the point of accepting that I am transitoning, that she loves me, and she is going to try and get to know Laura and see if we can make our marriage work.

So today I get an e-mail from Sarah.  She explain the reasons for being upset with me, in part because of the hurt I caused her mother, not by transitioning, but by not doing so before I met her mum.  And also, and this suprised me, because she really came to like my former self.  So I sent a very lengthy e-mail back to her, taking care to explain in detail each point she raised. In the end she had also said that as her mom was accepting me, she would try as well.  Well in my reply I also told her that if she friended me on facebook she could get to know me a little by what I write, I promised not to write on her wall, and also about this journal.  I told her that the journal followed my journey and if she really wanted to get to know me, i would send her the link.  Well a couple of minutes later I got an e-mail back saying that she'd like to get to know me and even referred to me as Laura, using my e-mail address that I gave her in my reply to her.  Next was a FB friend request from her, which I immediately confirmed.  Then I sent her the web address to my blog. 

It was great to hear from her at all and being willing to get to know me was amazing.  She is an incredible young woman and I would have sorely missed my relationship with her.  I'm glad we can try to build on the one we already had.

Yes, a very pleasant suprise.

I am sincerely,

Laura Catherine

Journal Entry: 02/19/2012 - The Seat is Always Down

So after breakfast today, which followed catholic mass as usual, i had to use the ladies room before driving home.  I have no hesitation anymore as I have never had a problem and interact easily with other women when there is a wait.  Funny, just as I am typing this it came to me that I've always felt odd in men's toilets.....hmmm....another light bulb moment?  Maybe.  Anyway, as I walked into the stall it struck me. There is never any pee on the floor and the seat is always down.  Oh yes, I am enjoying living outwardly like the woman I am inside.

I am sincerely,

Laura Catherine

Journal Entry: 02/18/2012 - Nice Lady

So I was at my usual place, Squid Lips tonight and one of the regular waitresses was my server.  When she approached she offered, "white zin?" and a cup of ice I reminded her.  When she brought it she told me she had started a tab for me and asked my name and I told her Laura.  She said, "ok good, cause I put it under, 'nice lady', to get it started. How sweet.  :-)

Another waitress I've seen a lot stopped by and said, "you don't come in a lot?" and I reminded her, every weekend.  I remember sitting there thinking that next weekend I won't be alone for change because my lovely wife will be with me. Yeah!  Can't wait for Wednesday at 5:00 pm when her plan touches down.  :-)

I went to Lou's Blues and killed an hour over one glass of wine.  Nice place for live music but not really great if you are alone.  Next time I won't be.  On the way home though there was a advertisment on the raido for "City Tropics", another "beachside" restaurant with music on the deck.  A little farther away but might be worth checking out sometime.

I am sincerely,

Laura Catherine

Journal Entry: 02/18/2012 - Miracles

So my wife & I have made up after several days of tension.  I try to see her point of view on things and when I can't it really gets in the way of us putting things right.  I'll have to work on that.  Well after we made up she told me that her daughter is upset with me.  We've gotten on really well since we first met and she's visited us here in America and we also spent a lot of time together in England.  We've been on vacations within England, France, Amsterdam, Ireland and NYC; been on Caribbean cruises and new year's eves on Boston Harbor and the river Thames (not in the same year of course). It would really make me sad if we could not be close again.  Of course she is supporting her mom as she should.  Even though it created some issues, I'm glad she learned about my transition, though accidentally via Facebook was not the ideal way of course.  She is confused and doesn't really understand the trans dilemma but mostly she is upset with me because her mom is hurting.  According to my wife, she's really got no problem with my transition (maybe) but is upset that I married her mom first. Thinking of course that I've known for somet ime and may have purposely waited until I married her mom and became comfortable with her before beginning my journey.  Certainly if that was true it was not intentional.  Then we started talking about how I've changed.  When I look I only see change for the better but my wife has a hard time seeing that right now.  Then she said her daughter noticed that I had changed when she came for a visit in November with her fiancee. We did a lot of theme parks (we live near Orlando) and I thought everything was ok. Then I started thinking back to her visit and it came to me....another light bulb moment......that keeps happening.  It's kind of cool for now because each time it happens another piece of the complex puzzle that is me falls into place.  None of these moments haven't fit.  OK, back to this moment.  The longer it's been since I first came to accept my true self (July 2011) I have become increasingly aware of the act I am playing when I present as a boy.  Because I am aware of it I may actually not be as good at it.  Well I figure she noticed that I was acting because I presented as a boy the whole time they were here.  In fact, the same pretty much is true for my wife as well because when we've been out together as 2 girls it's only been for a few hours on a weekend evening to a local gay/les bar.  It was nice to get out but it's not really me and not real life for us.  This place did serve a purpose as it was "safe" and helped me develop my confidence about passing.  The rest of the time we've actually been together I've presented as the boy actor. Not my real self, conscious of the act and yes, it probably does show and looks like I've changed.  Well Dec 13, 2011 was my first day on hormones and a lot's happened since then, most significantly that I have been living full time as a female outside of work....which pretty much means weekends.  That's done a lot for my self confidence and self awareness.  Of course the down side is that it's getting harder and harder to continue to present as a boy at work.  I can see coming out fully there in the future. Hopefully the federal protections of discrimination, including gender identity issues, will protect me. That's another story.  I've told her that when she gets back next week.....yes, she is coming back as scheduled on Wednesday....yeah!.....I want to present as Laura as much as humanly possible.  I don't think it will do her any good to limit myself.  It will only prolong her grief and she needs to find out if she can deal with being with me as Laura, or not.  The only way she will find out is to be with me, as Laura, and living real life, doing the real things we normally do....not just a few hours at a gay bar.  She worries about me passing but she'll see quickly how people respond to me when I am out.

So then another revelation (another term for a light bulb moment).  She is an angel!  Yes, an angel, heaven sent and all. I've been going to mass regularly for the past 5-6 weeks and maybe doing so has helped me see her in this light.  Could be.  Well this heaven sent angel gave me the strength and courage to look inside myself and discover my true self.  She even left me for months at a time, secretly knowing that due to my dependency on her to feel safe, I could not cope with repeated extended absences and I would have to learn how to make it on my own or else I was going to die. Leaving her for someone else was not really an option....just not how I am made.  So I found myself. Job "1" done.  Now, job "2".  She had to vehemently oppose my claim that I have a female gender identity and need to transition. She had to oppose this to make sure I was sure of myself and not just heading off on a path of fantasy that could lead to destruction of the life I had built.  No, she couldn't let that happen so she had to establish that If I persisted in my transition I could well lose her forever.  Well I've faced that fear and come out the other side.  I love her dearly and so very much want to spend the rest of my life with her.  But, on the other hand, I am also secure in myself and know I can be ok on my own, including when she is away.  Don't get me wrong.  I am lonely and miss her terribly when she is away but for the first time, life still goes on.  In the past my world pretty much stopped turning and I just held my emotional breath until she was back.  Well we've been apart for 6 mths of each of the past two years.  I don't know about you but I just couldn't hold my breath that long.  So, it was live or die....and I chose to live.  The funny thing is that now that I've found myself and started my journey with confidence, signaling she has completed jobs "1" and "2", she is going to be changing her schedule as far as being in the UK goes.  She'll go 3 times a year for a month at a time.  That's 1/2 of the time she's been away (three months vs six months) for each of the past two years and 1/3 of the time (one month vs three months) at one time.  Why?  Well clearly she still is my angel and has job "3" to complete.  In order to complete this final job she has to spend time with me.  Job "3"?  Well clearly to support my transition and help me see it through.  It seems this is the easy part now and she can begin to reap the rewards of the hard work of jobs "1" and "2".

So you see, prayers can be answered, miracles can happen.  Mine did. :-)

I am sincerely,

Laura Catherine

Journal Entry: 02/17/2012 - One of the Girls

So this place on the intercoastal waterway that I'm always talking about, Squid Lips, is my local favorite.  Great view of the river on the deck and good music always on the weekends. Tonight was no exception.  This guy on the guitar, "Johnny Danger" played a lot of pop stuff and even one of my wife's favorites by Ronan Keeting.  Well as usual I was on the deck, in the back because it was crowded by the time I got there.  Well I am a regular and the waitresses all know me by looks and are always nice and smile or say hello.  Well one of them usually seems to have the area I hang out it.   She brought me my wine and cup of ice with just a nod.  Later she came by my table and told me, " there was this older guy at the bar and when I brought him his drink he (she looked down to her chest, full covered by her Squid Lips t-shirt and then looked back up at me and) said thank you.  She screwed up her lips into a funny but mildly disgusted smile and commented on the pervyness of some men.  I honestly told her that I had little use for men and she just smiled.  Three glasses of wine, one trip to the ladies room and off to Lou's Blues for another band, indoors and a bit more of a club atmosphere.  One glass of wine there and I was home by 10:30. I'd stay longer cause it's a nice atmosphere but i get a little lonely on my own.

But the big thing tonight was that the waitress made me feel like one of the girls.

I am sincerely,

Laura Catherine

Journal Entry: 02/16/2012 - Enough Pain to Go Around

Well with the help of a friend I learned another lesson today. You might say a "light bulb moment".  In the last few weeks I had opened up to my brother, sister and 2 daughters about my gender identity and transition.  One by one each of them expressed not only their support and love, but also their empathy for the turmoil I have lived with for the whole of my life up till now.  As my daughters, now 26 and 30, began their grieving over the loss of their father they naturally looked back at their life as they remembered it. Of course that took them back into their childhoods when I was still married to their mom.  While shocked, neither was terribly surprised due to several events that had occurred many years ago.  My brother also was not surprised as 9 yrs ago he had come to Florida for my retirement ceremony from the USAF.  At that time I was renting a room in a woman's house, getting ready to move to GA for my first post military job.  As I had no where to put him up he stayed with my kids at their mom's house.  While there they had shared some of their observations that ultimately brought my first marriage to an end.  In fact it was a loveless marriage, initiated and maintained for many years as part of an elaborate front to prevent even myself from seeing the truth, that I am transsexual.  Well in their responses to me the three of them mentioned times related to being around my ex. My sister did not, but she also did not express concern over how my wife was handling my transition.  I had made brief mention of her struggles in my contact with them but it, like their responses, was mostly about me and my hope to continue my relationship with all of them.

Well in one way or another, each family member's supportive response resulted in anger from my wife.  While she asked if they had asked about how she was feeling, she focused on the sheer mention of my ex.  When she was mentioned it was not in any way that would threaten my relationship with my wife but yet she was incessant in her ire and I just couldn't understand it.

Well tonight I "talked" via Facebook with a gg friend who is also married to a TS who has fully transitioned.  She shared her experience, like I hoped she would, that put this into perspective and explained her response so clearly.

My wife is in tremendous turmoil over my transition, understandably.  It's hardest for her because she lives with me and her life will change the most, even if we stay together.  I do understand that.  What I've come to understand is that when others supported me, and especially when they empathized with me over my own turmoil of living my entire life in a body that I hated.  When my family empathized with me, and especially when they didn't show at least equal concern for her own turmoil, she felt that her pain was trivialized and resulted in her anger.  It made so much sense when I heard it, I wondered why I hadn't thought of it before.  I also need to be more sensitive in expressing my own excitement over "progress" in my transition to her. 

In truth, these people are my family.  I initiated the interactions which were about me, my transition and my relationship with them.  Their responses addressed that communication.  The lack of support she has was also highlighted. One of her daughters found out by accident via Facebook and I tried to explain it for her in an e-mail.  From my wife's comments though she thinks I am just "dressing up" and doesn't understand the difference between a CD/TV and TS, like most of the world I guess.  My wife is too embarrassed to openly discuss my transition with her and certainly too embarrassed to discuss it with her other children or friends.  She's not big on the whole counseling concept, even though I am a psychotherapist either.  I tried to find support for her on the Internet but she has used it sparingly at best. So, essentially she has no one supporting just her and I, the one who "caused" all of this, has lots of support, from family, a therapist, Internet friends and some even in real life.  She needs her own support network, badly.  I've long encouraged her out of the obvious need but until now I never realized just how much she needs it.  In addition to her turmoil over my transition and subsequent anger when support comes my way, she is additionally torn when she cannot sustain her anger and her love of her husband rises to the surface and the grief sets in.  Oh I do feel for her, and guilty as well.  I just can't go back to being depressed. I so wish I could help her.

So, it seems there is enough pain to go around.  We all need support. How to you find it for someone else?

I am sincerely,

Laura Catherine

Jounal Entry: 02/15/2012 - Ups & Downs

Well I finally got an e-mail from my youngest daughter. I shouldn't have been suprised that it was eloquently written, she does have a BA in creative writing.  She expressed herself well, both her feelings of grief over the loss of her "father" but also her love and relief to know that I am finally able to be myself.  Seems she had worried about me for years, and I never knew.  The end result, she loves me and wants to continue to have a relationship with me and to get to know Laura.  She needs some  time to adjust, of course, but she reaffirmed her love and desire to keep our relationship together.  I lost both of my kids once, for years, and was afraid I was going to lose them again.  I know it's early, but it's looking good so far.

On the other hand, things with my wife are not looking nearly as good.  Her feelings are very up and down.  We had a really nice talk last night about our future together.  She has a flight a week from today to return from England.  Well tonight she say's we are finished.  I know she is just upset and I have to give her time, but it's hard.  One day I fear that when she says we are finished, we will be.

Ups and downs......I guess that's life so, live every day.


I am sincerely,

Laura Catherine

Journal Entry: 02/13/2012 - The Voice

So it's Monday....again....you know?  There is one of these every week...even on a holiday week because when Monday is a holiday it's really Sunday and Tuesday is Monday...make sense?  OK, it has nothing to do with the title of this blog but it's a fun factoid.  OK, so there is nothing fun about Mondays but...oh well.....onto the blog. :-)

So when I present as a boy the only time I feel like myself is when I 'm singing, which I do to and from work everyday and the same few songs over and over.....sure, some would call that boring but I call it voice training.  Well today I was in my Jeep Wrangler driving to work, signing to my current Muse's songs (Leigh Nash and Sixpence None the Richer) and it hit me....that happens a lot actually, that I've been practicing my female voice, by singing to female vocalists, for more years than I can remember.  It's also why I play the same few songs over and over and over....trying to get the tone and pitch down; studying if you will.  I even sang "Kiss Me" by Sixpence via karaoke a few weeks ago. OK it was this little gay/les bar that I've been to lots of times and I know it's safe in there.  But I still did it.  I was shaking by a leaf but I did it.  So now I know what I've been doing all those years. Shania Twain, Dixie Chicks, Amy Grant, Faith Hill and on and on.  Funny thing is i use a different voice when I talk but I do seem to get by.  I really do love to sing though and am thinking about voice lessons some day......I'd really love to be in a band but that's not likely so I'd settle to be comfortable signing karaoke as there are enough places to go to do that. 

Stay tuned...you may hear me on  Sirius Radio sometime......or not.  :-)

I am sincerely,

Laura Catherine

Journal Entry: 02/11/2012 - A Day in History

We all have significant days in our journey that we will always remember, like where we were when the Twin Towers were hit.  Well I have the day I went out as a woman the first time, the day I told my wife, day I started hormone treatments, the day I told my brother and sister, and now today, the day I told my daughters.

So, like my brother and sister I drafted a thourogh e-mail..though not excessive detail.  Then I sent them a txt message to be a little more personal, telling them that an important e-mail was coming and if they didn't get to read it right away, not to worry because I was ok.

Then is was an anxious night waiting to hear something, anything, back.  Finally, about 10:00 tonight my oldest daughter txt me. Since that first txt, and we are still txting 2 hrs later, she has asked for a picture, wanted me to friend her on my FB page and geneally has been amazing. She's asked some really good quesitons, wants to understand and most important, still loves me and wants to continue our realtionship.  I couldn't ask for more. She also told me her sister is sick and that's probably why I haven't heard from her, but she thinks she will be ok too.  She's told my son-in-law and he's cool as well.  What an amazing family.

So, anxious moments, another day in history and looking good so far.

I am sincerely,

Laura Catherine

Journal Entry: 02/11/2012 - Another Revelation

It's funny but just when I thought I had put all of the pieces of the puzzel together, one more clicked into place.  These moments come to me at the oddest times.  This morning I was in the kitchen making a cup of coffee and it hit me.  I broke my leg on a ski jump as a kid and have had a small but noticeable limp ever since.  I always blamed it on the orthopoedic surgen who set it, leaving one leg longer than the other.  Well what I realized today is that Laura doesn't limp.......go figure. I've known for a while that acting the part of a boy was a handicap, I just didn't realize it was litteraly.  :-)

I am sincerely,

Laura Catherine

Journal Entry: 02/09/2012 - Surgery Consult?

This came faster thank had expected but I have a consultation appointment, in 11 days, with a urologist to discuss an orchiectomy.  I've only been on hormones since December 13, 2011.  My wife asked me if I would have it done if money wasn't an issue and I told her I'd have full GRS if money wasn't an issue.  Another reality check.  Problem is that my insurance won't cover anything other than consultations so I will have to see what it costs.  I've advised my endocrinologist that she gets to decide when I have "undergone sufficient medical treatment to complete transition".  When she is willing to write a letter to that effect I can get the gender marker on my passport and driver's license changed.  If I had to guess, she's going to want me to get the orchiectomy.  She was really pushing the idea, for health reasons, during my intial consultation. 

Well I'll know more on Ferbruary 20th.


I am sincerely,

Laura Catherine

Journal Entry: 02/08/2012 - Hormone Levels

I got to see my lab results from Jan 13, 2012 today.  That was a month into hormones. Next week will be 2 months in.  My Estradiol was 163.6 pg/ml and testosterone .49 ng/ml...normal female levels. Yahooo!!!  I see the endocrinologist next month for my first three month followup since starting hormones.  I definately feel the nodule behind my nipples.....I know that's normal and a sign something is happening.  I also have a urology referral, appt in 10 days, but I couldn't figure why.  My primary doc had put it in and when I talked with him about it, it turned out a recommendation from my endocrinologist.   Come to think of it she did talk about it as part of her recommendation to have an orchiectomy for health reasons.  My insurance will cover the cost of the consultation but not any procedures so money will be a concern.  Well, lets see what they have to say.  With a testosterone of .49 (when the low of end of normal for a male is 2.1) my testicles really only get in the way.  My wife asked me if I would have the surgery if my insurance paid for it???  Most definately and wouldn't stop at an Orchi.  I'd have a full vaginoplasty.  That sort of shook her......more evidence that I am serious about my transiton?  Probably.  She returns to America 2 weeks from today.

I am sincerely,

Laura Catherine

Journal Entry: 02/06/2012 - Increasing Awareness

So I need to work on converting this to a book.....I'm only 8 months in to my transition and really only 2 months into my physical transition and I've already written a lot.  Oh well, so what's this entry about?  Increasing awareness of course.  Didn't you read the title?  :-)  Just kidding, thanks for reading.

Well I wrote about the reverse transition and return of depression last night.  Well today I noticed more things.  Number 1, the noise in my head returned in full force, a million thoughts bouncing around inside my head.  Not so loud I couldn't concentrate but it's always there.  When I don't have much going on it gets really loud, especially since I have become more aware of myself...really the difference between my true self and the actor.  Number 2, my frown.  I was walking out of my office and became aware of my frown.  I realized that unless I purposely smile, I frown as my normal facial expression as a boy.  When I allow myself to be my true self, my normal facial expression is a subtle smile.  I know that because I walked by a mirror and glanced at myself and saw it.  Third, and I've noticed this before--I'm just more constantly aware, is my dysphoria.  It goes away a bit when I am writing...because I think like Laura when I write.

I was talking with my lovely wife tonight and of course the main theme of our conversations is about my transition.  She will be back from England in 16 days.  She would like Laura to just disappear altogether, or a least to go underground while she is here, or at a bare minimum, be exposed to her and the world minimally.  On the contrary, tonight I talked about my increasing belief that I need to go full time as soon as possible and that my one year timeline from beginning hormones ends Dec 13, 2012 and I'm not 100% sure that I will last that long (without going full time).

The rest of our conversation was about me trying to convince her that if she really makes an effort to get to know my true self, that she would like me.  I really believe that. I reviewed our attraction to each other and my attraction to her was easy to explain.  First, she is gorgeous.  Second, she celebrates the fact that she is female and third, she is a Londoner and has an unbelievable accent. 

When it came to her attraction to me it was just as easy to explain; by process of elimination.  It surely was not my clothes--I wore the same, horrible, baggy, worn out green shorts nearly every day.  It was just as surely not my car--a 5 year old Chevy tracker (my poor man's jeep wrangler--I've had two Wranglers since we've been married). It was easy to rule out my money--i didn't have any. No way it was my hair, I don't have any (shhhhh..........the hair in my pics is not my own.  The blonde hair is real but not mine.  Part of why no one would recognize me as one in the same).  It also wasn't my boat (I did meet her at a marina so yes, I had a boat).  She really likes power boats and I had a tiny sailboat.  Not only was in small but sailboats move by catching wind in their sails and the hulls are shaped so that they lean over....how far over depends on sail area and wind speed/direction.  She's not big into the tipping over thing.  So it wasn't my boat.  In the end we agreed that what she fell in love with about me was nothing she could see or touch.  But, it had to be something pretty special because, number 1, she is gorgeous....etc etc etc.  She also had three proposals before me....from men in England.  OK, one was going to go to Spain and open his own restaurant.  Now one of these is her ex, who would have her back in a minute if she would have him.....as she divorced him maybe he doesn't count.  But there were two others....not counting any other guy she dated in the years between her divorce and meeting me.  Now, knowing her, these guys had all the stuff you could see and touch.  Money, nice cars, nice clothes, nice looking.....but she picked me.  Hmmmmm............ Not only did she pick me but she sold her house, packed her things in a suitcase and moved to America from England, leaving her kids, siblings, grand daughter, friends and a good job behind. 

So....what was it that she fell in love with about  me and gave up a good life in the UK for?  It was not for anything she could see or touch and no, it wasn't a green card if that's what you are thinking.  She has been to America enough to know our streets aren't lined with gold after all and she's spent as much time in the UK as in America over the past two years and we actually lived in England for two years.  So, it was definitely not to have an opportunity to come to the land of plenty.  So, in my thinking it only left one thing....the person I am inside. 

Well I've explained to her that the person, inside, that she fell in love with it still there, only better.  While her husband was a nice guy, thoughtful, caring, romantic....he is also shallow, dependent boring and depressed.  Laura on the other hand is a nice girl, thoughtful, sincere, caring, romantic, honest and loves to live life.  All the good qualities she fell in love with and some cool extra ones as well. 

OK, so she thought I was a boy....a small obstacle that we can overcome.  Tonight was about her willingness to try and overcome it.  What I am talking about is living weekends full time as my true self, like I do now.  That way she can see what normal life with me would be like.  Once she realizes that I pass then she maybe can enjoy being with me without fear of being embarrassed.  Up till now she's only been with me to "safe" places, and that's not real life.  I think she is going try and that's all I can ask.  Sixteen days.......

I am sincerely,

Laura Catherine

Journal Entry: 02/05/2012 - Eye Opener

Today is my youngest daughter's 26th birthday.  I've not yet told my kids that I am trans but wanted to see her of course so it meant as a boy.  My previous post described my reverse transition experience. Well I put on a pair of boy jeans for the first time in, I can't remember when.  OMG they are disgusting.  Baggy, scruffy looking....just horrible.  No hugging stretch.....oh I love girls clothes... when I got home I immediately stripped off my polo shirt and those horrible jeans and put on my pink cotton nightdress....oooooohhhhhhhh............much better.  :-)

So we went to Squid Lips...you know, my favorite place.  I had thought about terryaki wings all day long and ordered them.  We got there just after 6:00 and I thought the place would be packed.  It was busy, not not nearly packed.  So, I ordered my wings......mmmmmmm...... I could almost them.  The game hadn't started yet and guess what?  The were OUT OF WINGS!  Can you believe it?  Superbowl Sunday and before the game even started they were out of wings.  So I ordered something else, a buffalo chicken sandwich and my daughter another appetizer.  We watched the first half of the game, shared a few beers and ate.  We were finished just as the half ended and left. The interesting thing was comparing my experience there as a boy vs as a girl.  The service was the same but the waitresses were not coming by and saying hi or stopping to chat for a few seconds on their way by.  When Laura was there this afternoon, only for about 1/2 hour, one did stop by and chat for a minute as she went to the bar to put in an order.  No such attention as a boy.  As Laura I feel like the waitresses are friends of sorts.  As a boy I am just a customer.  I watched others come and go and felt invisible.  I really didn't mind because I hate my boy self anyway and because no one seemed to notice if I was alive, I didn't have to work so hard to put on the act.

Dinner was nice and it was good to see my daughter on her birthday.  I couldn't help thinking that tonight could be the last time she sees me as her dad....kind of a sad thought actually....not about transitioning, but about our relationship changing.  My relationship with my wife already has.

I am sincerely,

Laura Catherine

Journal Entry: 02/05/2012 - Reverse Transtion

I delayed transitioning back to a boy as long as I could stand it.  I went to Squid Lips for one glass of wine and some music, coming home only with sufficient time to transition and be ready for my daughter to come over for her birthday.  We're actually going to dinner and Superbowl at Squid Lips.  The probability of anyone recognizing me the same person as Laura is nil.  So anyway, as soon as I acknowledged I was going to begin the transition I could feel it wash over me like a waterfall.  It?  Depression...I've gotten to the point that I actually the change.  I grabbed the nail polish remover off of the bathroom counter along with makeup remover pads and as I left the room, looked back and said goodbye to Laura until next weekend.  Bummer.......

On the up side, I talk about my little wedges at the time so thought I'd show you what they look like.  Perfect for Florida and oh so comfortable.

Palm trees, french tips, ankle braclet and

footless tights.  Nice look don't you think?

A full 3" heel.  Oh so comfortable. 

I'm going to miss them when they wear out.

I am sincerely,

Laura Catherine

Journal Entry: 02/05/2012 - Fantasy vs Reality

So, I went to this luncheon at a local Beef O'Brady's with the Brevard Kinksters. This was their first meeting. Up till now people from this county with fetish interests had to travel to neighboring countys for such a casual gathering. Brevard Kinksters you say? What the h***?

Ok, let me explain.  These types of groups are into some form of Dominance/ submission...bondage. You know, kinky stuff.  Hence the name?  Duh...........  :-)  Anyway, going back 10 yrs or so I found myself drawn into this "lifestyle" as they call it, but just playing around online.  It was my "dirty little secret" though and was "caught" more than once.  I tried to explain at first and then tried to stop, but couldn't.  I kept going back like it was some sort of an addiction.  Well to be fair, to others it may well have looked like one.  Well the unique part was that in this fantasy world of kink, I presented as a girl.  Always.  Of course until I put it all together this past summer, I didn't really understand what that was all about.  Now I know of course that this was my way of expressing myself as Laura.....or whatever name I used back then.  In the world of kink there are plenty of people who will interact online with a kinky girl.

So, back to the Kinksters.  When I first began going out in public it was at the invitation and encouragement of anther transsexual that I met online, yes on a kink website.....This was my trip to the local "friendly" coffee shoppe which I wrote about in an early journal entry.  Well this person of course was part of a kinksters group and invited me to their monthly gathering.  As there was no local group, the only option was to go south, over an hour, to another county.  She had been meeting with them for some time and reassured me that they were "safe", meaning they would accept me openly.  This meeting (called Munches because it's at a restaurant and they tend to eat...clever huh?) was only 2 days later and as I was mesmerized about having been out in public and had a good experience, and had "kinky" interests, I said sure.  So I went. A total of three times.  Well I stopped going, mostly because of the drive (the new location was a full hour and a half from me, one way) but also because Lynda wasn't thrilled with some of the people I was meeting there.  She had been with me once herself.

So, when I learned about this meeting I thought, heck, it's much closer (30 min max) and it's a Sat afternoon and a chance to get out and meet some new people.  So I went.  What I haven't said is that since I started hormones, Dec 13, 2011, my interest in kink has changed....or disappeared more likely.  You see, up until that day I was just a "man in a dress".  I could call myself transsexual all I wanted but the only thing separating me from a transvestite is that I wanted TO BE a girl, not just to look like one.  When I started hormones I was clearly on a different path than transvestites.  I was changing my body to be a girl as much as hormones will accomplish that.  And they will to a significant degree.  So, since I now could separate myself from the other trans group, I started really living as a female full time on weekends.  Not just for a couple of hours at a time, on a Sat night.  I sleep in my "hair", "breasts" and even makeup lots of time so when I wake up in the morning I look into the mirror and see Laura looking back.  What a great feeling that is.  So what you say?  Well due to this change I got to BE a female a whole lot more. 36 - 48 consecutive hours on weekends, longer on three day weekends.  This weekend for example I was off on Friday to I transitioned to Laura Friday morning and by the time I go back to, yuck, boy mode this evening it will have been nearly 60 hours straight.  I was no longer "dressing up", I was or should I say, I am, living as a female...on weekends at least.  I used to stay in boy mode and do my errands before transitioning Saturdays but now Laura does he errands and goes to all the places, walmart, grocery stores, bank, post office etc that I need to go....no problems. 

So, back to the point.  As I began "living" as a female (on weekends anyway) I found my fetish interests just fade into the background and now....well those feelings are just not there.  Everyone I have met in the "lifestyle" has been great so it's not due to a bad experience.  I have come to conclude that all or my fetish interests were simple a way, maybe the only "safe" way, to present as the female I am inside.

So, I went to this local "Munch" and again, everyone was great.  I suspect most had no idea I was trans unless the organizer told them, because she knew.  But, I did not feel I belonged there.  I just didn't fit in anymore.  I struggled to find a way to fit into conversations and am sure I appeared unsociable.  I even won one of the door prizes that raffled off (a common practice at these events), a pair of nipple clamps.....ouch!  Well to make a short story much too long, that's it.  My kinky interests gave me a means of presenting myself as a female.  Well now that I do that "normally", those interests have, dried up so to speak.  Don't think I'll be going back.....it's really not fair to them.  I will explain nicely to the organizer but those interests just don't exist anymore.  It's a relief in some ways, there is enough unusual about me already, don't need to add to it unnecessarily.

Oh and by the way, reality is WAAAAAAAYYYY better than fantasy.  :-)

I am sincerely,

Laura Catherine