Journal Entry: 01/29/2012 - Scary Times & Family Support

A scary moment today. For weeks now I've been telling my wife that I would let my brother and sister know about my  transition, but haven't done it.  She is trying to decide how she feels about trying to work things out with me and a part of that has been her difficulty accepting that this is real and not some mid-life crisis. 

I told her I'd tell them before the weekend was out.  First a txt message to tell them an important e-mail was coming...felt a little more personal than an e-mail they'd get to when they got to it. I wanted them to know at the same time.  Both are grown adults by the way.  Well Sunday (today) came and I still hadn't done it.  My wife txt me (she is visiting family in England) and asked if I had any responses yet and I had to tell her I hadn't sent the e-mail yet...and then had to tell her why.

I sat down and tried to get honest with myself.  I came to the conclusion that I wasn't completely sure that I was going to transition, not out of questions about my gender identity but because of the challenges and potential losses.  I realized that she asked me to bring my family in on this.  It was sort of to challenge my own beliefs about how real this was for me, it worked.

I was out at breakfast when she txt so when I got home I drafted an e-mail to my brother and sister, then I called my wife.  I told her why I hadn't sent the e-mail and that part of my still hoped to be "cured by love", like Jennifer Boylan had wished in her book, "She's Not There".  My wife admitted that indeed her asking me to tell my brother and sister was a test of my own seriousness.  I told her about my "cured by love" theory but I could see how hard it is for her.  She is at a crossroads herself and needs to be clear about how real this is in order to move forward one way or the other.  Me telling her this is real isn't enough.  I owe her that much. 

I typed out a txt message to my brother and sister telling them there was an impt e-mail on the way and that I was here if they wanted to talk after they read it.  While I was on the phone with my wife I hit the "send" button first on the txt message and then on the e-mail.  I watched as the outbox on my e-mail software cleared the message, indicating that it was gone.  So that's it....I guess Laura is real.  I ended the call with my wife on sort of a somber note and told her I'd let her know what kind of response I got.

I went about finishing the laundry and ironing when my sister txt me and told me that she and my brother had just gotten home from church and would read the e-mail.  She then txt my brother and I and told him to sit down, but that I was safe.  A few minutes later he called and was amazing.  He's had his own challenges finding his path but is in a very good place at this point in his life.  He told me that I had given him the best news he's heard in a long time.  Almost 9 yrs ago he had been told some things by my kids that had made him suspicious and concerned.  Not necessarily about me being trans but what he was told were some of the earlier manifestations.  Now those things he knew, that I didn't know he knew, made sense to him.  While we were on the phone an e-mail came in from my sister who also expressed her support and love.  After the call ended there were several txt messages back and forth that expressed love and support. 

Perhaps because he's had his own serious life challenges, he is totally cool with accepting Laura as his sister.  My own sister expressed her love and support but understandably needs a little time to get her head fully around this.  She has two young daughters, my neices, and that complicates it for her.  She will work with me though about how to tell them.

Yes, scary times but so nice to have family support.  Now still scary times because my wife knows Laura is real....what will she do? I can only wait and wonder.

I am sincerely,

Laura Catherine

Journal Entry: 01/22/2012 - Violated by Male Privlidge?

Ok, so violated might seem a bit of an over statement for what happened to me so what do you call low level violations. On the anger scale there is annoyance on the low end and rage on the other end, but it's all anger. Surely rape is on the extreme end of violated and some other term on the other end, so it's all on the violated scale. And, this is my journal so I get to say what I want. :-)

So what happened anyway. I was at this local gay/les bar that I go to on weekends for a couple of hours. Not my primary place but I know the staff up there and go there for a little while before going somewhere else. On Sunday nights they have bingo. This was Sunday night. I'm usually one of the very few girls in the place on bingo nights and it gets crowded. To be honest, It's not the most comfortable setting but I figure the guys are gay and I know the bar staff so I'm safe. I do know there are straight people who go in there sometimes though and if they are not regulars, i don't know who is gay vs straight (or bi). Funny, I never used to think about being safe when I was a boy...male privlidge? Anyway, they were taking a break between game when a guy came up behing me. I was sitting on, like a footstool sort of thing so was even lower than a normal chair. This guy was over 6" tall and standing as he walked up behind me, and I'm 5'8". Anyway he came up behind me and looked down, smiled, and said something I didn't understand and said "excuse me". He repeated what he had said, I think it was in spanish -- which I don't speak, and I said again, I'm sorry, I cannot understand you. Well he smiled again -- I'm thinking he spoke english perfectly well as he was able to play the english speaking game and order drinks, and had another agenda with me which made me uncomfortable. Well after the third time he just smiled and stroked my hair and said something else I didn't understand. I think he was trying to compliment me on my hair but I immediately felt my skin crawl. This man, whom I did not know, and without my permission, touched me in a rather intimate way. He may well have been just trying to compliment me but who did he think he was to be able to touch me like that without my permission. I can only imagine what a rape victim must think......Anyway, that's it. I left shortly after. My hair is nice, you can see it in my avatar pic and other pics when I have blonde hair. It is a wig but it's human hair and looks and feels very natural. But that's not the point. He did not have permission to touch me. If that's male privlidge I can honestly say I never took adavantage of it that way. I'm sure I enjoyed other aspects of male privlidge without even know it but I can say I never knowingly and intentionally took advantage others with it.

I am sincerely,

Laura Catherine

Journal Entry: 01/22/2012 - More Confirmation?

Anytime I get confirmation that I pass is a good day and my confidence keeps going up. Last night was one of those times. Saturday nights usually start early, around 6:00 to a gay/les bar within about 20 minutes from where I live. There are usually hardly any people there then but the bar staff is nice. I planned to go up there for an hour or so and then head to my local bar/restaurant that I've talked about before. It's name is Squid Lips and I'll refer to it as such from now on. Squid Lips is a cool place. It's located right on the intercoastal waterway with it's own dock and beach with tables, chairs and wait service. The front lobby is big and if you are going to one of the multi room dinning rooms the hostess will seat you. To the right is the main bar and is very good size. This is the sports bar part of this place. Walking through the main bar you get to a "screened in" tiki sort of bar. It's not really screened, the widows are plastic and can be zipped up in weather. Walking through that bar and down the ramp is the large deck with another bar. This is where they have the music stage and a dance floor. Really just a space in front of the stage with no tables or chairs. A few steps down one side of the deck leads to the beach. So, that's the visual of this place called Squid Lips. Plus, its only a 10 minute drive (or $10 cab ride) home. :-)

So I went to the gay/les bar, getting there around six and was the only customer. A few minutes later a womand two male friends came in, we were all sitting at the bar. A short time after that a girl came in on her own and based on who was sitting where, took the bar stool next to me. Shortly after she turned and asked me where she could get something to eat, close by. This bar is really a small nightclub and doesn't serve food. I told I was from a neighboring city and was not familiar with the local area but the bartender could help her, which he did. That started up a conversation about lots of things. She moved here from Chicago in Oct, lived in LA for several year and is a makeup artist and has been a personal trainer. She loves basketball and we were able to get the bartender to turn a game on TV. She is single, 52 yrs old and has a daughter. She eventually ordered a small pizza from a nearby place and went and picked it up. Small was giant compared to lots of places. Then she shared it with everyone in the place, including the bartender. There were about 8 people total and there were two pieces left. I stayed until about 8:30 as I wanted to go to Squid Lips. She seemed sad that I was leaving and asked If I'd be coming back next weekend. I told her I am usually there Sat nights and told her about Bingo on Sunday nights and that I'd be there tomorrow, which is today. She sounded like she might come to Bingo too. So I left feeling, another nice chat with a gg...accepted again in the holy grail of girl talk. Yes, we talked about boys too. She likes the actor Charlie Hunnam.

So I get to Squid Lips and as expected there was a good turnout on the deck for the music. They always have good music there. I did find a table and sat there for an hour and a half or so and was on my way home about 10-10:30. I was alone there but the interactions I did have were pleasant, acknowleding smiles from gg's. I got half way home but wasn't quite ready to call it a night. I drove over the causeway to the barrier island to Lou's Blues. It was packed. I had to use the toliet right when I got there and asked a femal bartender where they were. She gestured towards the back and pointed in the right direction. I made my way accross the dance floor looking for the tell-tale sign. Some guy was standing up on a step and could tell what I was looking for and gestured towards the ladies room, more confirmation. :-). With the crowd outside I knew there would be girls in there and sure enough, a waiting line. One girl was leaving and gave me an acknowledging smile and the others did as well when I entered. As I waited stood i front of the mirror and bushed my hair and touched up my lipstick. When a stall opened up I went in did my thing came out, more girls, washed my hands and left.....more confirmation. I went back to the bar and ordered a glass of wine with a glass of ice. Ice waters down the wine and keeps it cold and helps me from getting more intoxicated than I want to. So I was in there about an hour watching those dancing and enjoying the music. My interactions consisted of numerous acknowleding smiles from gg's and appropriate more subtle smiles from guys. More confirmation.

So I went home feeling it was a good day because there were several events that gave me more confirmation that I pass. The only thing that would have made it better would have been if my wife had been with me. Alas, she is still i England for a few more weeks.

Yes, a very good day.

I am sincerely,

Laura Catherine

Journal Entry: 01/14/2012 - "Passed" the Ultimate Test

Oh what a night! I wanted to watch the Denver - New England game but didn't want to sit home alone. I'm from Mass but was a long time Denver fan in the John Elway days. I live in Florida and Tim Tebow is now the Denver QB...figured I'd be good with whomever won. So, I went to this local bar/restaurant close by my house. It's a great atmosphere, on the intercoastal waterway and they have great music on the deck, but tonight was inside for the game. I got there shortly after the game started and it was packed....turned into a sports bar for the night. I was lucky enough to find an empty table with no chairs but was able to borrow a chair from a couple at a nearby table that had extras. I ordered a beer and was sitting there by myself for about 15 minutes when a cis gendered girl, I'd say in her 30's, game over and introduced herself. She told that she had seen me last weekend and wanted to say hi. She was sitting at a table (actually 2 tables pushed together) with about 10 friends. We chatted for a few minutes when another cis gendered girl came over and introduced herself. She saw my freshly manicured french tip nails and asked where I had them done. She has acrylics and needed an infil. I told her I had their card in my car and went to get it for her. When I got back they had made room for me at their table and invited me over. So, I ended up joining this group of cis gendered men and women and watched the first half of the game. I chatted mostly with the two cis gendered girls, the second one was surely in her 40's but also interacted with the men. We all drank and laughed and watched (sort of) the game. Everyone introduced themselves to me and they were all great. All in all I spent about and hour and a half with them and had a great time. They were here from various places for a school and would be here for a few more weeks. At the half I told them I was heading home (they were planning to go dancing) but told them if they were there to watch next weekend games I might run into them. The first one told me that they go out sometimes during the week and asked for my phone number, which I provided.

I had a great night, it was so nice having people to talk with. I don't know if I'll see them again and they leave in a few weeks anyway so we're not talking about life long friends, but for a night.....it was a lot of fun.

So, the way I see it, if I can be invited by a cis gendered girl to join a group of cis gendered people and talk with the girls like I was one of them, and be treated like a lady by all.....I figure I pass. I go to lots of "normal" places, including the mall, Walmart, gorcery stores, Panera Bread, bookstores etc with no trouble but, to me, this was he ultimate evidence that I pass. And, the "girl voice" that I've found seems to be just fine too. What a confidence boost!

I am sincerely,

Laura Catherine

Journal Entry: 01/08/2012 - Reality Sets In

Well I've come to see that being transgendered means you get to spend lots of time alone; and that sucks. So, who are friends of transgendered people? Gay guys hit on me, straight guys hit on me, genetic girls want nothing to do with me, so that leaves other tg's? So where are they? I'm sick of being alone.

I am sincerely,

Laura Catherine

Journal Entry: 01/02/2012 - In Negotiations

Sometimes age can be a plus. At 56 I cannot expect the transition of a 20+ year old. As much as I wish I was 25 at this point in my life, it is what it is. I am 56. Years of hormone treatments may only have a marginal effect on my body and no matter what I do, I will not be a 25 year old hottie.

That being said, different things take on importance with age. As much as I long to transition to living full time as a female, I also want to stay married to the woman I have loved since the first time I laid eyes on her.

So, we are in negotiations. She would like me to purge completely, clothes, wig, makeup and hormones. I really can't do that and told her so. I am thinking of compromising. My work week is a blur and I have been successful there as a boy. So what I am considering offering, and have offered, is that I become Laura for 24 hours over the course of each weekend. What day that is, is negotiable. That allows me to present in public for 24 hrs as my true self, for me, as for another 24 hrs as the husband she married. I want to continue my hormone treatments and should my body, fat chance, change enough that I cannot pass as a boy I will deal with it then. I really don't see that happening. I think I will always be able to pass as a boy. Since I seem to pass now as a female, that should only get easier. Hell, the salesgirl at Victoria's Secret asked me if I wanted to try on a bra that I was looking at, during the holiday rush! I've also concluded that, without much effort I can create at least an androgenous voice that seems natural and I've been able to converse with men and women with no problem.

So here we are, in negotiations.......will see what happens from here.

I am sincerely,

Laura Catherine

Journal Entry: 12/13/2011 - "E" Day, Part II

So you already know that the visit to the endocrinologist was an amazing success, and the breats exam a sheer bonus.....but, now for the rest of the story.

So, I went back to the mall, far away from the entrance (by accident) to the Victoria's Secret store. I walked in, head held high and approached the "Dream Angels" collection. Another bra and three thong panties later and I was done. Another great experience. Next I went to our local GLBT friendly bar, got the kareoke nerve after two dinks. I don't even do kareoke with my boy voice let alone my girl voice....but I did it. I sang the song, Kiss Me by Sixpence None the Richer....I was horrible, but it was a kick to be up there. If only my wife would have been there with me the night would have been ultra complete.

I am sincerely,

Laura Catherine

Journal Entry: 12/13/2011 - 'E' Day!!!

So I'm sitting in the lobby of the pharmacy, waiting to get my hormone prescriptions filled. Yes, my hormone prescriptions. The endocrinologist was amazing. My therapists letter was all it took for to be willing to prescribe but her manner and attitude, bedside manner if you will, was amazing. Though I went to the appt from work, presenting as male, she asked me how I would like to be called (meaning she wanted to know if I wanted to be referred to by my female name). While I shouldn't have been surprised it was an amazing feeling. Today I told her my male name would be fine (though she never used it or a male pronoun) but I asked if I could present as a female in future visits and be referred to as Laura and she said of course. Already looking forward to my next visit in three months. At the end of the day so I can leave work and get ready and present to her as Laura.

I am so excited I could jump out of my skin. To have prescriptions of Estradiol (6mg) and spirinolaetone (100 mg) with my name on them is so surreal.

On the other hand I know it's another loss for my lovely wife who has been so great through this period. I know she is grieving the loss of her husband and that makes me sad. I try to reassure her that I am the same person inside and that I will continue to love her but that only helps a little. She also isn't sure she will still love me, though she hasn't come right out and said it.

An important day, for lots of reasons.

I am sincerely,

Laura Catherine

Journal Entry: 12/11/2011 - Bummer

Ok...the fun is over, for now. Back home after 48 hrs of non-stop Laura. Took off my hair, removed the french tips from my finger nails and took my makeup off....back to boy mode for the work week. It about killed my this time to let Laura go. Thinking about coming out fully at work and going full time sooner than later. Less than 48 hrs till hormones. Can't wait. Now, if I can just help my wife accept that I am the same person inside that she married....life would be perfect. :-)

I am sincerely,

Laura Catherine

Journal Entry: 12/11/2011 - Another Test - Passed

T

So this was my first weekend to truly spend 24/7 as Laura. Starting hormones in about 48 hrs so no point in holding back any more. Yesterday was easy, did housework, laundry, got ready and went out as planned to a place I knew was accepting. Slept in my real human hair and woke up again as Laura...how nice. Got up, brushed out my hair, put on my boy shorts and jogging bra with a cami top over it and did a brisk 30 min walk about my neighborhood. A few cars passed without incident and a couple of people across the road took no notice. Finally I passed an older couple walking in the opposite direction and we passed on the sidewalk. The man took a normal look but the woman looked by right in the eye and said, Doesn't feel like December? (It was warm and muggy in central Florida today). I smiled, fanned my chest with my hands and said, Not at all. She smiled back and we went on our way.....so cool. Did the ironing and knew I had errands to run. There is a secret Santa thing at work tomorrow and I had Victoria's Secret vouchers to redeem. So, this afternoon I brushed my hair, put on a bit of makeup -- daytime version -- and headed for the mall. I realized on the way that it would be packed with Christmas shoppers and planned my response to any rude comments that would not cause further embarrassment. Sure enough, I had to park far away from the entrance and pass several people, men and women, on the way inside. Brief eye contact with some revealed normal responses from the other shoppers (normal responses to a woman in short shorts, cami top with bra underneath, toes and fingernails done in french tips, earrings, jewelry, makeup, and flip flops. Now inside the mall and to find the store....lots of people of course, same, normal responses as before.....now entering Victoria's Secret, lots of shoppers of course. I had three Rewards Cards to redeem and when a sales girl approach I showed them to her and she offered to scan them to determine their value. First interaction....successful. So now to shop....definitely wanted a nice bra and matching thong...my bras are all cheap...so I toured the store. One, a different one, sales girl approached an offered to assist and asked if I needed a bra fitting....how sweet...I would have loved one....but will wait till I have real breasts. Finally narrowed the search and was approached by yet another sales girl. When she asked if she could help I took her to the Dream Angles collection and told her I thought they were lovely. She gestured that I should feel the inside of the cups as she commented about the upgraded material. It is nice I have to admit. When I told her I'd take one she asked my size. My heart swelled as I proudly proclaimed, 38B, and she took me to my color choices where I selected a lovely turquoise. She had asked about my interest in a matching panty and when I said yes, she asked, hip hugger or thong and I smiled and said thong, then she asked the size....a trap for those pretenders out there when they offer their waist size, like pants, but I calmly told her, 7. She collected the panties, opening them to display them and we oohed and ahhed over them for a minute before she asked me if I would like to try anything on. Looking back I should have said yes, to the bra, just to see the inside of a Victoria's Secret dressing room, but there will be other chances.....but I said no thank you, and she guided my to the line at the register. Some minutes later I presented my rewards card, paid the difference, offered my phone number on request, declined an offer to open a charge account, conversed about the items I had bought and I was on my way out of the store, and the mall, without incident.

So, did I pass? It seems so. If not, about 200 people that saw me, including those I interacted with, didn't care if I was TS and treated me like I presented. While I prefer to think I passed, what I really want is to be treated like a girl, and I was.

Now out briefly tonight for a couple of glasses of wine to top off the weekend. A very successful test going into the week I start hormone treatment. Very successful indeed. :-)

I am sincerely,

Laura Catrherine

Almost forgot....also went to Party City for the gag gift part of my Secret Santa gift and then to Publics (supermarket) for some scratch cards to complete the gift. No problems in either place and rather anti-climactic after the mall experience. :-)

Journal Entry: 12/10/2011 - The Last Supper

I'll be off to the monthly TCK Munch for dinner tonight. It's my last supper before beginning hormone treatments. At least I hope it is. I have my first appointment with the endocrinologist on Tuesday. My therapist has faxed my letter to the doctor's office and I have a copy of it just in case. I also have my most recent lab work to bring in with me. I don't know what else to do to prepare so I really hope to walk out of there with my hormone prescriptions. I know it will take time for the changes I want to see but I think, and others have said so, that I will feel a sense of peace once I start taking then, like I am really doing it, really taking the steps to transition rather than just talking about it. I have to admit that I'm as excited as a school girl.

Wish me luck! :-)

I am sincerely,

Laura Catherine

Journal Entry: 12/04/2011 - D-Day

Today is D-day...departure day. My lovely wife has left again for England. Already i am lonely and missing her. She has been terrific in accepting me as Laura and has been out with me everyweekend. She really doesn;t like the idea but she has been great. I'm about to start hormones in the next week or so and while she doesn;t look forward to the physical transiton, she does admit that the better I pass the more likely she will be willing to go with me to mainstream places.

Now to make it through the next 80 days.

I am sincerely,

Laura Catherine

Journal Entry: 11/12/2011 - Reality Bites?

Ok. So, now I've decided to transition. I've come out to my boss at work .. necessary for an endo referral....and she is accepting and will be an advocate. I'm on the verge of coming out to my kids and the rest of my family. I've put myself on a one year timeline to be full time......no i'm depressed.

Who am I kidding....even with laser facial hair removed (2/9 sessions completed) and hormones I'm never going to look like a girl.....sometimes i feel like just giving up altogther...

The odd thing is that while i was moving though life, mildly depressed but funcitonal, life was tolerable. Now that i have put it altogether....put the pieces of the puzzle in place....after a period of complete euphoria that i couldn't have dreamed could exit....i am so depressed.....

Why does it have to be like this? I will have my endo referral next week. My HMO will pay at least for the intial visit and i can get my hormones for free. I should be as excited as a 5 y/o on Cristmas morning. So why am I depressed then?

I get made up, fix my hair....and i see is a guy with makeup and a wig. Do hormones really make that much difference? The way i see myself now i can't believe I've been out in public. I'm lucky I haven't been beaten to within an inch of my life by some asshole.......well that would have solved the problem then maybe.

I don't know what I'm saying here but from where i sit today, there are no good outcomes. If I don't transtion, knowing what i know, i am doomed for a life of missery. If I do transition but can't reasonably pass, i'm doomed for a life of lonliness and missery......doesn't look to good from where I sit.

Do hormones really make that much difference? And I'm writing this in a jouirnal rather than in a group discussion....so what's that all about?

Anyway....life goes on i guess,

I am sincerely,

Laura Catherine

Journal Entry: 11/08/2011 - Telling the Kids

A draft of an e-mail I'm planning to send to my children to tell them about my being transsexual and my plans to transition.  Please note, this is a first draft.

Let me start by telling you both how much I love you and how proud I am of the women that you have become. Life has not always been easy for either one of you but you both have showed perseverance and fortitude, never letting the obstacles of life keep you from getting where you needed to go, to be the women you were meant to be. Your journeys are not over as life, in its entirety is a journey in itself. It’s good to recognize the path though so you can stop and smell the flowers and also so you can find your way back should life force a detour at times.

What I want to share with you is about my journey and the detours that life has caused me to take. In my case though, it seems my entire life, up to now, has been one long detour from the path I was meant to travel. I don’t want to give the impression that I have not enjoyed parts of it, certainly the joys that you have both given me have been highlights.

That being said I’ve always felt something was not right with me. Now that I have come to see and accept myself as I really am, so many things in my life make sense. You see, the thing is, I am transgendered. I am female on the inside and male on the outside. More specifically I am transsexual. Further, I have decided to make the transition from being male to becoming female so that my gender identity matches my presentation to the world. Soon I will begin taking female hormones as well as others that will block my body from producing testosterone. My body will change, slowly, and I will have more female features. I will develop breasts, about a cup size smaller than my mother is what they estimate, so I guess a B cup is what I can expect. My skin will soften, the hair on my body will soften and become thinner or disappear altogether. The fat in my cheeks and belly will redistribute itself to my hips and bottom, so I will have a female waistline. I will lose muscle mass in my upper body so I will look smaller though my weight will not change much so they say. I will stop any balding that is going on and will eventually get hair transplants and let my hair grow out. I’ve already stopped cutting the hair that does grow. I’ve begun laser facial hair removal with Ideal Image. You might have seen billboards advertising their procedure. So far I’ve had two treatments and have 7 to go. Each treatment is about 10 weeks apart and the whole process takes about a year and a half.

Gender reassignment surgery (GRS it’s called) is extremely expensive so I don’t know if I will get that far. If possible I would like to have that done to complete the transition. In either case, I’ve given myself one year from now to be living full time as a female. By then some of the changes induced by the hormones will be visible and it will be harder to pass as a man.

Lynda has been great though admittedly she is having a very difficult time dealing with all of this. She has not told her children yet and I will leave that to her till the time she feels ready. While this has understandably caused a strain in our marriage, we love each other very much and at this point, are planning to stay together.

I am sending you this e-mail so that you can have a chance to digest the information before facing me directly, either on the phone or in person. There are so many things I want to say to you, explain things that have happened in my life that now have an explanation. I’d rather do that in a more personal way than an e-mail if that’s ok.

I haven’t told anyone in Massachusetts yet and am thinking about how to go about it. I want to tell them but I am worried about the impact on Granny and especially Poppe’s health. He has just lost his bother and only sibling and just last week his best friend died. Part of me wants to tell them so that they can have a chance to meet their daughter, but another part of me says I should wait until they pass so as not to burden them. As excited and happy about coming to accept myself and the thought of beginning my transition, I know others, including yourselves, are not likely to share my enthusiasm in quite the same way. So, I’m still trying to decide what to do. I will likely tell Judy and Paul before Christmas, also initially in an e-mail. I am going to MA for Christmas so it would also be a time I could follow up with them in person should they wish to ask questions or talk about it with me. I’m telling you now as I know Jennifer will be coming to Florida soon and that will give us the chance to talk in person should you wish to do so.

I would ask that you keep this private amongst yourselves with the exception of Jennifer being free to tell John if you would like to. In that end I would also ask that you not forward this e-mail to anyone else. It’s not so much that I want to keep this a secret (I’ve already told the Chief of the Medical Staff at work) it’s just that I’d like those closest to me to hear it from me first. The internet has made the world a very small place.

You might be wondering what name I will use and what to call me. Dad is fine for now but one day another, female pronoun, will be appropriate and appreciated. The name I have chosen is Laura ; Laura Catherine Perry. I wanted to keep the initials of the name Granny and Poppe gave me. I looked for common female names from my birth year and in the end, there were not many LC combinations that went together so it was pretty easy in the end to pick Laura Catherine. I will change my name legally at some point and when I have completed sufficient medical treatment (as defined by my doctor) to complete my transition, I will also change my gender on my driver’s license and passport. Not sure about my birth certificate. There will be a lot of legal documents to change but one step at a time.

I have thought this through and have been in therapy regarding this issue for several months. As it turns out, the treatment for Gender Identity Disorder, or transsexualism, is to transition to the gender that the person identifies with. They’ve tried, in the past, unsuccessfully to try and help the person become comfortable in the body they were born with. This is no longer the standard treatment.

I know this is difficult for you to grasp and I do have pictures I can send you if you care to see what I look like. Keep I mind I am a, “man in a dress”, right now but hormone therapy will result in more feminine features. All in all though I think I look pretty good. 

I know this is hard and I feel horrible about the impact of this on the people I love. I’ve come to see though that transitioning is the only way for me to be happy and I feel that the best years of my life are rapidly passing me by so I am anxious to get started.

When you are ready, I am here to answer any questions you may have, or send you pictures if you wish. I am sending this e-mail to the two of you, not to save time but, to let each of you know what I have said to the other. That way you will have each other to talk with about this as I think it’s important to have someone to talk with. Lynda has had no one but me to talk with about it and I feel bad for her. I’ve helped her find online support groups but she’s really not used them yet. We have read two books together and I would encourage you to read either or both of them if you wish to become more knowledgeable about this condition. The first one, sort of a primer on transsexuality, is called “True Selves” and the second, the story of an English professor who completed her transition, is called, “She’s Not There”. The first is more of a text book and the second a story and more enjoyable to read. Both are good though for their intended purpose.

Anyway…there you have it. I can only hope that the love that we have for each other will allow you to consider what I am doing and come to accept that this is something that I have to do, and will still love me like I will always love you.

Love always,
Dad (aka Laura)

I am sincrerely,

Laura Catherine

Journal Entry: 11/02/2011 - Deciding to Transiton

Well i've finally come to a decision...........to transiton. I have come to see that it's really not a choice if i am to have any chance of peace and happiness in my life. I've tried to be happy with what i have as a boy; a job, family, loving wife, home and all the trappings....but it's just not enough in the end. In order to be happy I have to be who i am, my true self. I have decided to begin hormone treatment as soon as possible.

A complication has been that I work in the medical field and mny primary care physician (who must put referrals in for specialty care for my insurance to pay for it) works at the same hospital i do. Most of the time that is very convenient for me but it has been a complication in this case. Going to her would, in some ways, be coming out at work. To make matters worse, due to turnover she is new and I don't know her very well. What I deicded to do, and have done, is to go to the chief of the medical staff and ask for a referral to endocrinology. I planned to ask for such a referral without offering much of an explanation other than hormonal imbalance, but i prepared myself to come out to her if she asked more. I have worked closely with her, respect her greatly and believe I have earned her respect. Well I did this yesterday and it couldn't have gone better. She did inquire as to my reason for wanting the referral, afer agreeing to make it. I then just told her that i have Gender Identity Disorder and had decided to transition to female. I gave her a little bacground to go along with it and told her that I had no intention to transition at work unless the changes to my body made it impossible to hide. She offered that if i decided to change my mind and transition at work that I should come to her first and she would help me develop a plan and work with the other staff and committed to do her best to ensure sensitivity in their response. I went home on cloud 9, now just waiting for the referral to come to me so I can make my appointment. Last night i also decided that I do want to transition at work. I want to change my name, gender marker on my driver's license and passport and move towards being full time. It may be several months but I now know this is going to happen and I am scared and excited about the journey ahead. I bought my first human hair wig, have started growing my own hair out and have let my fingernails grow beyond the tips of my fingers. Sometimes I think i am going to jump out of my skin with excitement, confirming that this is the right decision for me.

I want to come out to the world. I want to tell my children and parents. My children will be shocked but I am confident in the end that they will be ok. My mom will be ok as will my sister and brother. I am worried about my dad though. My parents are 81yrs old and my dad esp is not in great health. His only sibling, my uncle, is dying and expected to live only a few days. He was just admitted to the hospital this week to find an agressive tumor in his liver. My dad's best friend in the world died this past saturday and he has outlived pretty much all of his friends. He does not deal with stress well, as strong as he is. He does not express his feelings but holds them inside and they eat him up. I am worried what my coming out would do to him and would hate to feel that I conributed to his death. My family lives in Massachusetts and I am in Florida. I will be flying home for Christmas and see this as an opportunity to come out. I have read, in True Selves, about how to go about this and thought about sending an e-mail a week or so ahead of time and then coming out in person when I arrive. I have a therapy appointment on Friday and will discuss this with my therapist along with asking for my letter for the endocrinologist (that she has already said she would write).

I have collected a nice little wardrobe, including some winter clothes including boots, sweaters and a jacket. Even in Florida it gets chilly in the winter. I have moved some of my male clothes into a spare bedroom closet to make more room for Laura's clothes. I figure the next step will be to get rid of them altogether. All that's left in my closet are the male clothes I wear to work...for now anyway.

My lovely wife is working so hard to deal with the idea of my transition. I have no doubt that she loves me and has recommitted to staying together. I know there is no guarantee as there will be more adjustments for her to make as my body changes and then as I ultimately become a female full time. For now though, I couldn't ask more from her. We have been out as Laura and Lynda numerous times and she seems to be able to enjoy herself when we are out. She has only been willing to go to a local gay/lesbian bar and has not yet been ready to go with me to vanilla places but I am trying to let her go at her own place as many have encouraged me to do.

Anyway, it feels very freeing to have finally come to this decision. I want to personally express my thanks to all who have been supportive and encouaging. I think you know who you are. It has been extremely helpful as you have helped me to explore my inner feelings and come to this extremely important and life changing decision.

I am sincerely,.

Laura Catherine

Journal Entry: 10/12/11 - Alone Again, Naturally

So here we are, at the crossroads of hell. Facing the most difficult decision of my life. Do I face giving up everything I know and love to be myself, or do I give up myself to keep that which I know and love. Indeed, Shakespear had it right, "To be or not to be, that is the question". I wonder if he was transgendered???

I have some good friends, both real life and cyber friends that are there fir me as much as they can be. In spite of there support, I don't think I've ever felt more alone, and a bit lost.

I am sincerely,

Laura Catherine

Journal Entry: 10/11/2011 - Challenging Times

It's been long time writing but they say you should write when you have something to say. So, I’ve been out since Jul 28th of this year. My wife was away visiting family at the time and I had a couple of months to get to know Laura and I really like her. Not the best way, but I came out to her on the phone. I had come out before and even started counseling before she left to come to a decision about my gender identity, but I knew she thought it was a kink or a phase and didn't take me seriously. Well once I told her on the phone that I was going out she took it seriously. She has been back only a couple of weeks and she's been great. She's gone with me as Laura to a Gay/Lesbian/ straight friendly bar a few times and to a BDSM munch. Like I said, she's been terrific. I intentionally did not expose her to Laura until we were getting ready to go out, trying to give her time. Well on the way home from the gay/les bar Sunday night, everything changed. It surprised me greatly as we had lots of laughs, it was bingo night and she even won a prize, she also won a prize at the BDSM munch...I never win anything :-)). Anyway, on the way home she started getting upset about the idea of losing her husband, not to the "other" woman, but to the "same" woman....if that makes any sense. Monday was a holiday for me and it was spent in considerable quiet tension. Today I was at work when I got a txt message saying that she was thinking about going back home (to where her family is) sooner rather than later. She already had plane tickets leaving on Nov 9th for another 15 weeks away (her youngest is pregnant and she wants to be there for her). But now she was thinking of leaving a month earlier. I'm afraid that if she does leave sooner than later it will be the end of us. I did get her to agree that she would wait until I got home from work before she made a decision. Well I've been home for 6 hours and we've yet to talk. Doesn't look good from where I sit.

Oh yeah, it's also our 8th anniversary today.

I am sincerely,

Laura Catherine

Journal Entry: 09/24/2011 - First Date

Wow! What a great night. Laura had her first date with her wife. A major step, they went to the Ultra Lounge, a classy gay/lesbian - straight friendly lounge in Cocoa, Florida. As i was getting ready it was like the night before the first christmas as a child when you remember the previous one. I was so excited.She has helped me pick out some new powder earlier, a better skin match. i seleted my favorite jean mini skirt, a white cami top with a new bra/boyshort set and my amazingly comfortable 3.75" wedge heels and usual jewlery; drop spiral earings, bracelet, fake wedding/engagement ring set, ankle braclet and necklace. I thoguth i looked great. When i came out to her, on display as Laura, for the first time my heart dropped when she said, "you look like a man". i felt embarrased for the first time but went back to the mirror, checked my face and felt reassured. I reminded myself that she has know me for years as her husband and could still recognize me....no suprise there really. Still, she got ready and we let for the bar. A little quiet at first, a glass of wine for me and champagne for her and we loosened up. The bartender kept us entertained, as he had me during previous visits and some other regulars did the same. More people came in later and in the end, we had a good night. We got home, i got changed into my satin chemise and we enjoyed a glass of wine. All in all, a very good night.

I am sincerely,

Laura Catherine

Journal Entry: 9/12/2011 - Mixed Emotions

A weekend of mixed emotions. A weekend of questioning myself, of reflection on the tragedy of 911. A weekend of self doubt. Friday night was laundy and relaxing at home. Satuday was a pedicure and french tips on toes and fingers. A day of wondering....is Laua real? Is the a figment of my imagination? A coping skill to deal with the lonliness of my wife being away, like an imaginary friend? Lots of questions. Feeling a need to begin hormones on some aribtrary timeline, conflicted by a desire to be, in the words of Jenny Boylan, "cured by love" when my wife returns.

Then Saturday night and the TCK munch. I got ready to go, late, partly because i felt i was supposed to. I had promised to deliver Jenny Boylan's book toa friend who wished to read it. Partly because i wanted to be around people. Once I was ready and on my way there, i found myself again. I was Laura again, clear headed and confident in my desire to transition. Mingling at the Munch, much more comfortable than last month. I felt confident and content....no, happy. I felt happy, with me, with Laura. On the way home, about 10:00 pm, i didn't want to go home. Took a little bit of a longer route, but did go home in the end. 

Stayed up a couple of hours basking in the glow....the glow of Laura.

On Sunday i got ready, Laura got ready, went to Walmart to pick up some milk, oreos, and natural color eye shadow (to blend in better). I took my time, checked out the clothes, some fall items coming in, paid and left....no issues, no problems. Either I pass, people don';t care or the feel sorry for me. I don't care...there were no issues. Home for lunch and then to Squid Lips, with my new book, Whipping Girl. About 2 hours and 3 glasses of wine and home. Didn't really want to go home, but it was Sunday and I needed to unwind before work the next day. But i enjoyed Laura and, for now at least, know she needs to have a prominent place in my life. The only question today is, how much....time will tell.

I am sincerely,

Laura Catherine

Journal Entry: 9/11/2011 - Time to Pause and Reflect

We will always remember Sep 11, 2001 and today marked the 10th anniversary of that horrible tragedy. I remember where I was, watching the live news coverage of the burning first tower when the second plane hit the second tower. Then the pentagon and the crash of flight 93 in the field in PA. So many heroes, both living and gone. So many victims, both living and gone. Sep 11, 2001 the world changed forever. A time to pause and reflect...perhaps time for each of us to take stock in who we are, as individuals, and as a community.........lest we foget the most basic commonality of all, our humaness.

Peace and love all,

I am sincerely,

Laura Catherine

Journal Entry: 9/05/2011 - Mondays/Tuesdays

Today was a washout. Didn't sleep well so it was a bad start. Finally tired of lying in bed I got up and cut the grass at 7:00 am. Ok it was a bit early for the neighbors but no one complained (that I know of). I lay around the house nursing the head cold I woke up with. All day I had planned to get dressed and go back to Squid Lips in the early evening, even for one glass of wine. It wasn't the wine; it was one more chance to get out as Laura before the weekend ended. Around noon I swam m 50 laps in the pool, read some more of, "She's Not There", resulting in laughter and tears as she tells her story leading to her transition and the impact on her family...so far at least in the book, her wife. I felt for my own (wife) as I read. I called my wife at the usual time, talked for about an hour and a half and feeling tired and weakened, gave up on the idea of going out and instead just lay on the couch in my red satin chemise, reading my book and spending some time adding to the one I was writing, "On Becoming Invisible" is the title...so far anyway.

Now after a holiday weekend, Tuesdays feel like Mondays...which means work. In my case it also means the end of Laura getting out of the house until at least Thursday when she has the chance to attend the GLBT coffee in the artsy part of town. This Tuesday feeling like Monday was worse. On Friday morning (as I also had Friday off work for a 4 day weekend, I had gone to our local nail shop where I get pedicures and manicures regularly, with French tips to my toes. On this date, all planned out, was to get my fingernails done in French tips. I had gotten a manicure the week before and had been letting my nails grow out until they extended slightly past my finger tips. With the French tips painted on they made my fingers look thinner and definitely more feminine. The problem with Tuesday = Monday is that I had to remove the nail polish as I was not out at work. I would wait as long as possible, hating to do it. It was not the $9.00 it had cost; it was that they looked so good. Maybe I could just wear them to work.........no no that would never do. Off with the tips, on with the clear. Not sure if it's worth it next weekend when it's only a normal two day weekend. I could apply a color myself though. Not French tips but some color....that thought helped find a certain amount of consolation for having to remove the tips tonight.

A little more reading and early to bed. Maybe I'll wait to remove the French tips until morning....maybe I would forget... :-)

I am sincerely,

Laura Catherine

Journal Entry: 9/04/2011 - The Book(store)

Another (successful) first; successful being defined that I accomplished what I set out to do and was not deterred by fear or anxiety at being outed. I went to the local Barnes & Noble specifically to look for Jennifer Finney Boylan's book, She's Not There, A Life in Two Genders. (This is the first of two books recommended to me, the other being "Whipping Girl", which is next) So I got ready, enjoyed the drive to the bookstore (Laura always enjoys driving) and looked for a place to park...looked like it was busy. I saw that I could park to the side of the building, limiting how much I would be out in the open as I approached the entrance. Instead I parked in the front of the4 building, near the back row of cars and, after brushing my hair, walked 100 yards or so up to the front door. In front of me a man was holding the door for two women. As they were several yards in front of me I fully expected him to enter and let the door close. It would not have been rude as I was far enough away. But he held the door as I traveled the remaining 30 feet, thanked him, and entered the bookstore. Of course I had no idea what section the book would be in but I thought maybe self help. I toured the shelves until finding that section.

Oh, to pause briefly, I was wearing my jean mini skirt, blue cami top with nearly matching bra and my usual jewelry with dangly earrings. It's really something to be wearing a short skirt and thong underwear....quite erotic...one of those dirty little secrets that only you know -- unless you bend over just a little :-).

Ok, back to the book. I scoured the shelves but it was nowhere to be found. As I was looking I was aware of my mannerisms and felt naturally feminine. Now, I had a choice. I was feeling pretty confident about passing but not about my voice....just haven't practiced enough. I could go to customer service and ask for it but that would mean speaking. Well I thought, I could get it via I Books and had already downloaded the free sample. So, I left. I hate it when they have the greeters that say, have a nice day, when you leave their store :-), but I said thank you and went to my car. I looked up the store, and the book, on their web site to find it was I stock there. I called the store and indeed they did have it and would hold it for me at the register. Now, they wanted my name and phone number, ok so I couldn't give my boy name, dressed as I was, but I hadn't really tried to use my female voice either. I asked him the price and my heart sunk when he told me the price followed by, it will be at the register sir. Well heck with it, I told him my girl name and gave my cell phone number. Went back in, up to the register, got the book, paid and. Successful trip as I did what I had set out to do.

It was early and I didn't want to go home yet. I stooped at the local that I’ve been going to a lot, Squid Lips, figuring it wouldn't be too crowded but they'd have live music. I went in, through the lobby, greeted by the hostess, through the main bar and out to the tiki bar. There were a few people there and a birthday party being set up. I found a high table off to the side and got comfortable, well as comfortable as I could in a mini skirt. I crossed my legs and waited for the waitress. As I waited I saw the lesbian that served me the first time I went in there and she smiled and said hello, I was not one of her tables. After just a few minutes my waitress came to the table and I ordered my usual glass of white zinfandel and a glass of ice. Yes the ice waters it down but makes a glass last longer. I pulled out my book and started reading. Due to the activity in the place, and the live music and most of the people on the nearby deck, I read slowly. People came and went, some glancing over, most just continuing on their way, some smiling but no "outed" looks or comments. Three glasses of wine and 2 chapters later I was on the way home. Whomever it was that suggested bringing a book if I was out alone was brilliant. After being hit on the last two times out it was refreshing just to sit there, enjoy the atmosphere and read my book without being approached. The fake female engagement/wedding ring only helped so much, but I do feel better wearing them than nothing, while I don't feel right wearing my male wedding ring.

Another good day. It seems that Laura only has good days, so far anyway. One more day of this weekend to enjoy....another good day coming up tomorrow? Hope so. I need to practice my female voice.

I am sincerely,

Laura Catherine

Journal Entry: 9/3/2011 - Role Reversal

Ok, so this is new. Two nights in a row guys have hit on me. I have to admit that it's a bit flattering, but i'm married (and wearing a ring) and i'm not into guys. That being said, i still had to deal with it from the female perspective and that was the role reversal. Actually, thinking about it, there has been three times. Good thing i am married because i would have no clue how to find a girl.

Anyway, last night i was at a gay bar, a lounge actually. The other place is a nightclub and this one, The Ultra Lounge, has a nice atmosphere for me. Problem is that it's dead in there until 9 or so. Back to last night. I ordered a glass of wine, and then a second. Some people started coming in, including girls, and they were sitting at the bar. I was at a table. So, this guy comes over and sits at the table (on the long couch side like i was sitting on), next to me. Not, RIGHT next to me but, next to me, you know. So he starts up a conversation, nothing heavy, just chatting, but this was a bar and he was interested. I was getting ready to leave after my 3 glasses of wine and he asked me if i wanted his phone number (in case i went back there someday and wanted some company).

Well i understand how my wife feels sometimes when guys chat her up. You know it's not going anywhere and don't want to be mean, so you chat....and then i took his number (and deleted it from my phone later). It was good practice though because if someone asks me for my number sometime i can just say, how aboout you give me yours? instead. So, that was that.

Tonight i was at Squid Lips, in the tiki bar. Don't like sitting there aloner but have to get out of the house. So i had two glasses of wine and paid my bill. i was just finishing up and this guy came out of no where and said i looked lonely and asked me to join him at the bar. Ok, so he was like 90 years old and blind as a bat. But, he made it the 50 feet from the bar to my table without a walker. It was so sweet and i felt bad for him, all alone. i thought for a second about saying yes and having one more but i didn't...i told him i had to go home and feed my dogs, which i did. The look on his face was so sad, i felt guilty...........but i'm not into guys remember? I still felt bad for him. This was an old experience, in reverse. Turning someone down is what girls do to men, and this was my first. Another first. I felt bad for the geezer but i liked the fact that i felt something from a female perspective.

I am sincerely,

Laura Catherine

Journal Entry: 9/02/2011 - New Experiences

So I haven't written muich lately but truth be told, there is not a lot gong on during the work week. Well I began a 4 day holiday weekend today, waking a 4am apparently not wanting to waste a minute of it. In addition to getting some errands done i had my finger nails done in french tips. They look so nice, match my toes, but are quite fragile. i also found a great ring that fits me. i didn't want to wear my male wedding ring when out, and am not quite ready to trade it for a women's ring. So, for under $10 at walmart i found a nice set, fake diamond and wedding band in some fake silver material. i feel better wearing a wedding ring.

So i headed to Squid Lips about 7 pm but it was packed....people were parking several streets away. Not wanting to deal with crowds i started out on the nearly 30 minute drive to Cocoa Villiage to the Ultra Lounge, a gay bar. i was the only girl in there at first but it's a small place, people were friendly and i felt comfortable. Well 90 mintues and 3 glasses of wine later i was heading out. Some more people, including some girls, had arrived. Still, i didn;t need to drink anymore before heading home.

Then there was Hal. Clearly gay, it was a gay bar, or bi....he took a seat near me and started up a conversation. Somewhere along the way he noticed my ring and suggested i might be married. We chatted for a while and i left, saying good bye to Hal and the bartender, Mark. I didnt feel threatened, it was a very causual atmopsphere. Might go back some other time. It was the first time i was truly hit on. Interesting experience. :-)

Update:  Jan 28, 2012:  From my experience, looking back...I'm not so sure he was gay afterall.

I am sincerely,

Laura Catheine

Journal Entry: 8/28/2011 - Blossoming?

I went back to Squid Lips....i really like it there. It is close, lively, good music, nice water view...what's not to like. This time is was only 4 pm..bright daylight. As i got ready i tried to think....don't need nighttime makeup or clothes. i tried to tone down the makeup....see my avatar. Dress? Well it seems appropriate for short shorts, cami top (matching bra and thong of course, and flip flops. i wanted to wear heels but flip flops are for shorts. Off i went, hoping to blend in. i walked in, said hi to the hostess who knows me now, if not by name, walked through the lobby, then the empty main bar, to the tiiki bar. This time the tables in the back were taken so i took a table up front, by the bar and overlooking the deck. Most people were on the deck but there were several tables of people in the tiki bar area and a couple at the bar,

The waitress came quickly and i orded my usual, white zinfandel and a glass of ice. Lynda ( my wife) had taught me that adding ice to a glass of wine made it last longer without watering it down too much. A second glass was ordred, watch the people on the deck....shared a distant smile with the friend of a drunk girl enjoying herself as the only person dancing.

Another good day. No one cares? I passed? or the "get it"..i want to be treated like who i am....a woman. Either case it was a good day. As i left a couple came through the door and the man, having not seen me, let the door go. When he saw me he quickly turned to catch the door and apologized for letting it go. i'm really liking this girl thing. :-)

Good mood at home, another glass of wine, music instead of the TV, steak and rice for dinner.....and sat down to write.....another good day.

I am sincerely,

Laura Catherine

Journal Entry: 8/27/2011 - Most Don't Care/Pigs Travel in Packs

Well i had a great night at Squid Lips, my local favorite straight bar/restaurant. Always something going on. Decent food, good music and on the water. I won't repeat everything from my last entry only to add that i really enjoyed the old music (and watching the flower children from the 60's dance and carry on. I had two glassed of wine and paid. it took the waitress some time to bring me my change and i was finishing the second wine by then so i ordered a third. That's when the "yes Ma'am" comment was made. So i drank my third glass, listened to the music and thought about a 4th...but passed. What was i wearing? Well my jean mini skirt, rasberry cami top with pink bra and thongs along with 3.25" wedges. i do love skirts.

So, in the car and knew i had a couple of errands to do tomorrow but thought, i could get everything at walmart...and it should't be too busy this time of night. So i drove there, parked my car and went in. Never realized how bright the lights were in there. i picked up the few items i needed and bought another cami top. This was the first time Laura was clothes shopping and she loved it. Passed numeous people who either thought i was female or didn't care. i'll tae it eiother way. Some women smiled....no wonder i love women and the cashier helped me put my bags in the cart. All well. if i didnt pass.... and i'm not sure i dont, people seemed not to care or "got it" / understood what was going on with me. on my way to the car i head (at least) two guy laughing several ailes away in the parking lot when i heard one say..Charlie...is that you? i'm sure they were feeding off each other....

Most don't care ( or get us) and pigs travel in packs.  Well that's the short version....i'm tired..off to bed.

Update: Jan 29, 2012:  With the experiences I have had since that day I'm not so sure they were talking to me.  To  "make me" from 100 yds away, in the dark.....maybe that was my own insecurity talking to me.

I am sincerely,

Laura Catherin

Journal Entry: 8/27/2011 - Squid Lips

So I'm back out at the straight bar/restaurant. Even came here when it was still light out. :-) They are having a "Woodstock" party with all the old music. I think I am getting famous as the token TS. The hostess recognized me and said, "you came back!" and then told me about the party and the $2 jello shots. Glad this place is like 5 min from home. Got served in 2 min and the waitress was very nice. A woman was sitting with her husband at the table behind me and came up and asked if she could tuck the tag of my top in. She was so nice. I hate it when tags are out.

OMG, when I ordered a second glass of wine the waitress said yes ma'am....if I wasnt already married I'd be in love. Music to my ears. Not that I completely pass, but that she get's it. Another light bulb moment reminding me how little I know. It's really like Laura is still in elementary school. It's ok, I'm a quick learner. :-)

I am sincerely,

Laura Catherine

Journal Entry: 8/27/2011 - Perspective is a Choice

Well per my therapist's recommendation I asked my wife, who is away visiting her kids, if she wanted to see a picture of Laura. She readily said yes (seems it was good advice to ask her). I txt her the photo I use as my avatar here and her response I took as a compliment...quite different than last night's journal entry. Well her response to my picture was, I can tell it's a guy. Why did I treat that as a compliment? Perspective....I had expected her to say something bad like i looked ugly...to tell me she could tell I was a guy I took as better than I had expected (to be honest, I don't think she could tell but could not bring herself to say, wow! You look great! .-)). Perspective.....own it, embrace it; enjoy it and make it work for-not against you.

I am sincerely,

Laura Catherine

Journal Entry: 8/26/2011 - Perspective

I went out tonight, alone again, to enjoy a Friday night and a glass of wine or two. Started at the gay bar and it was quiet, about 20 guys and one gg. I ordered and drank one glass of wine and politely turned down an invite to join a man at the table with his 6 male friends and left.

I wasn't ready to go home so went to a local chain restaurant/bar. I entered and went through the empty main bar and into the inside tiki bar. I took a table overlooking the active deck and listened to the music. I must have waited 30 minutes (or seemed like it) before a waitress approached to take my order. She was pleasant but working too hard to be nice and came off a bit patronizing. I paid for the glass of wine when she brought it and she checked on me a couple of times as I sipped the glass. I finished it, left a 30% tip and left. I had given her a $10.00 bill for a $6 glass of wine and received $14.00 in change.... I checked my purse and knew how much I had started with and indeed they had cashed me out as though I had given her a $20.00 bill. I knew it was $10 and an error in my favor but I felt ignored so didn't say anything.

All was not lost though as, with a tip, they paid me $12 to have a glass of wine in their place...maybe they are trying to attract more tgirls? Not likely. I did see my lesbian waitress from the other night and she came over to say hello. I asked he name and it as Jessica and introduced myself as Laura. I hope I can see her next time I am in there.

What have I learned? I don't like a smokey (gay) bar; I am transbien and prefer a lively place with girls around to a quiet one with pretty much only guys. Where do the lesbians hang out? Probably where ever they want because they can fit in
Anywhere if they want to.

Anyway....perspective....in the past, as a guy, I would have walked up to the bar and asked for service. I would have believed that they just didn't notice me. But, as Laura, I wondered if they were purposely ignoring me. True, I don't know how they divided up their tables and I was in the back. But I did wait a long time.

So, didn't notice me or ignored me.....it's all in your perspective. Either way, I like the place and I’m going back tomorrow.

I am sincerely,

Laura Catherine

Journal Entry: 8/26/2011 - Therapy

Laura went to her first therapy appointment today. Her alter ego male persona had been going up till now. Laura had given her therapist advance notice and as usual, an air of excitement sourounded her as she got ready. She tried on two dresses until she was satisfied and the 4" silver heels. Today was the first day she could sucessfully change her earings, replacing the barely noticeable crystals with large sterling silver hoops.

She arrived just a few minutes early, Diane was waiting for her. Laura sat comfortably, if excited, in her therapist's office, relaying the advances towards transition since her last visit. She loved the compliment on her 38B breasts and the 15 lbs weight loss since the last visit. (10 more lbs to her belly piercing). To recap her advances since her last apppointment:

• ears pierced
• expanded wardrobe
• first time out: GLBT Coffee
• second time out: BDSM munch
• third time out:GBLT coffee
• fourth time out: Gay bar
• fifth time out: Local (straight) bar/restaurant
• sixth time out: today

She discussed the advances as further evidence of her feeling that she was meant to be female, noting the feeling of internal peace along with the "smile from her heart". They discussed Laura's wife's response, to include recommittig to be together, even as Laura. Laura explained to Diane the reason for the name she had selected for herself and they discussed that she had begun laser facial hair removal and the next step of beginning hormone replacement therapy. Laura will work to find an appropriate endocrinologist and susequent referral from her HMO.

It was another good day...and now the weekend, hoping to remain Laura unitl Monday morning.....it is friday afternoon now.

I am sincerely,

Laura Catherine