Journal Entry: 03/20/2012 - High Level Support

Well today it was time to elevate Laura's story to the next level at work.  That was the Commander (Colonel) in charge of the military hospital I work at.  She is my boss', boss', boss.  Her boss is the General in charge of the base.  Well my boss, a female Major, named Catherine ironically, agreed to come with me for moral support.  I had made an appointment and we went into her office and sat down and thanked her for giving me the time.  As with others, her first question was to ask me if I was ok.  I assured her I was and thought I'd be even better within the next few minutes.  From there I launched into the story of Laura.  Using the same story I have become comfortable with as I describe my journey to others.  I tell how I have been dealing with an issue for my whole life, dating back to 5-6 yrs old but didn't really understand it until last year.  I told her how about 10 yrs ago I briefly embraced myself but then discounted my own insight.  Then I told her I was tansgendendered, specifically transsexual.  I told her that I was almost 1/2 through laser facial hair removal and had been on hormones since December.  She listened attentively, interjected when appropriate and in the end we were talking about what color nail polish was acceptable for active duty member in uniform.  As the Major and I were leaving she gave me a hug and offered her full and complete support, applauded my courage and assured me that there would be no trouble at work.  She also told me that she needed to talk with the General and would try and do so today.  I showed her this profile picture and got the same, positive response that most give to it.

Later on she stopped by my office and gathered, with my boss, in a room in our clinic and she told me about her conversation with the General and his second in Command, a Colonel.  In my job I see the both of them on a regular basis.  The short of it was that they both extended their full support and the General went so far as to say that if he caught wind of someone giving me a hard time they would find themselves talking directly to him.  Wow, it most definitely appears that my job is safe.

Later I called a good friend who works in the AF Surgeon General's Office, the section in charge of the Domestic Violence program that I run at my base.  I told her the same story and she also commended my courage and extended her support.  Like most people who know me she also asked about my wife, as the Colonel had done and I told her how great Lynda has been.  Tomorrow I will call her boss and her boss' boss in that office, an AD Major and an AD Lt Colonel, also good friends I've known for years, and both females.  I have no doubt I will receive their full support.  Thursday will be the staff in my office and from there others will follow quickly. 

So, the scary, hard work is done and my job does feel safe. I will be comfortable to present full time, and at work, once my name change takes place.  Probably in the next few weeks to a couple of months.  I do have hopes to make it by my birthday in June as my driver's license is due to expire then and I really want Laura's name and picture on it.

Yes, today was a day of very high level support.  It was a very good day indeed.  :-)

I am sincerely,

'

Laura Catherine

Journal Entry: 03/18/2012 - Now I've Really Gone and Done it!

Some steps are baby steps and some steps are giant ones, or so it seams. Perhaps my surprise at myself, or my feelings, is generated by the consistent, experienced reminder that every one's journey is unique to themselves.  So, even with a history of common experience, the readiness, timing, process and reactions are apparently different for everyone.  I used to ask, how do I know if I am Transsexual.  The answer was always, "Either you are or you are not."  Having travelled this path for a while now, and seeing the growth in my comfort level with myself, comparing my feelings between when I present as a vs a girl, I have come (some time ago) to conclude that I am.  So, my path is my own.  The consequences of that realization is that, in many ways, I am alone.  Don't get me wrong, support is essential and I do have a considerable and growing support system.  By being alone I mean that I am the one transitioning and no one can really tell me how it goes from and between steps.

So, back to my journey.  This is what, for me, was a giant step.  There have been others, like beginning hormone treatments - Dec 13, 2011....a day I will always remember, and two days after my wife's birthday.  So, get on with it already, right?  What was this big step?  Ok, here it is.

It started on Thursday, Mar 15, 2011, ironically with a setback.  I was feeling a need to start the process of changing my name and had learned that the first step was to get my fingerprints taken for a criminal background check.  So, I had a therapy appointment on that day and left work early to stop at the Sheriff's Office (I learned that's where to go from the Clerk of Courts) near my home to get them done.  Well they were very nice as they told me that their fingerprint machine was broken and they would be unable to take fingerprints until they received a new machine.  Bollocks, as my wife would say.  That brought me into Friday, March 16, 2011.

Friday was a "training day" at work.  We have one every month and it's set aside as closed for normal business so that people can get their training accomplished throughout the year without having to fit it in between normal business activities.  Please remember that I work for the Federal Govt so there is lots of training.  Well my training was caught up and all I HAD to do was teach this class from 1-3 in the afternoon.  So, I checked into the office and left about 8:00 am to head to another Sheriff's Office to get my fingerprints done.  Well I walked in, waited for a few minutes to be called to the window and told them what I needed.  As I was sitting there I saw the sign that they no longer took Visa debit or credit cards. Well, of course, all of my cards were Visa cards.  I had looked online and saw the fee was $39.00 so I needed an ATM.  Luckily there was one in the Govt Building Complex on this campus and the officer pointed me in the right direction.  A few minutes later I was back at the window, cash in hand.  A clerk came out and told me that the officer would be available in a few minutes and that she could collect my payment and work on my receipt, I told her that would be fine.  She confirmed the $39 fee and I handed her $40.  A couple of minutes later the officer came out and escorted me behind the secure door and into the fingerprint room.  She collected my receipt and I chatted with her about preparing to file my petition with court to change my name and wondered about the process.  Well the clerk apparently had somehow heard me say that I needed my fingerprints taken for a concealed weapons permit.  So, "bank error in my favor", the fee for the fingerprints to go with the name change was only $5....that's a first.  :-)  So, electronic fingerprints taken, fingerprint card and the document with a transaction number, that I would need to submit them to the Florida Dept of Law Enforcement (FDLE) online, in hand...I was off to the courthouse across the street to file the actual petition.

So I got to the courthouse and into the clerk's office.  Only second in line I thought, this is going to go smoothly.  Well as I made my way to the "next to be served" area I saw the sign.  Apparently Visa charges aren't competitive and the whole Florida Govt isn't taking Visa.  Well I didn't have enough cash and they don't take checks so I knew there was going to be another delay.  Well as I didn't have long to wait I figured I'd at least take the chance to ask a couple of questions.  When  I was called I approached the window, confirmed that Visa wasn't accepted, and told her what I was there for.  I told her that I had found the forms on their web site and asked her if she knew how I was supposed to submit my fingerprints to the FDLE.  She asked if I had printed the forms from the "Packet" or from the "individual" forms list...of course I had printed the petition from the "individual" forms list. Well she pulled out a sheet and handed it to me and told me that it would tell me how to send the fingerprints to the FDLE and gave me a web address to go to.  Ok, a setback, had to get the cash, but now I knew how to deal with the fingerprints.  I thanked her and left for work.

Back in the office I looked up the web address on the instruction sheet she had provided me, a broken link with of a bunch of code instructions on how to "debug" the file.  I have no programming knowledge and made a half-hearted effort to follow the instructions but no luck.  I did not that I was trying to open a PDF file but figured there would be instructions and a hyperlink to another web site.  I figured I'd try from home, maybe the security on the govt computers was getting in the way.  Well I thought I'd teach my class and go back to the courthouse, after going to the bank, after the class; they are open till 5:00pm and there is a courthouse closer to where I live, and  smaller one, so maybe it wouldn't be busy.

I left work about 3:00pm and went home and pulled up the clerk of courts web site and looked for the "packet" of forms I needed.  I quickly printed the ones I didn't have and filled them out the best I could.  Same problem with the payment for the FDLE form but I thought I could ask about it at the Clerk's office.  I didn't think they probably needed them all up front, like the final disposition form, but I'd fill them out and bring them with me anyway.  I found a parking space right away and thought that was a good sign.  I entered through security and made my way to the Clerk of Courts.  Well the parking space was a fluke.  I took a number, #49 and waited several minutes until they called the next number, #33.  I looked at the clock, 4:10, and started to wonder if 5:00 meant closing the doors and finishing with the people already inside or 5:00 meant the windows closed and those waiting were out of luck.  Well a couple more windows opened and at about 4:30 my number was called.  I approached the window and was glad to see that this clerk was a girl.  I told her that I was there to file a petition to change my name and had several forms with me.  I asked if there was an order she wished them in and she did not have a preference.  I started with the petition itself, the several pages, including the instructions, paper clipped together.  As I started to hand the package to her she stopped me and told me I had to separate them.  I took off the paperclip and went to hand them in again and she told me I needed to remove the instruction pages, and I did.  Finally she accepted the form and began to look it over.  I tried to make idle chat but she wasn't interested.  I thought, Govt employee at the end of a long day, so I gave her a break.  As she looked over the first page I knew exactly the time that she saw that a boy was changing their name to a girl's name.  She looked up and smiled pleasantly and I visibly saw her relax her poster from a "hurry up and get it done" sort of way to a "let's make sure we do this right the first time" sort of way.  She got out a binder and looked something up and continued reviewing the form.  As she went over each page thoroughly I was thinking that nearly every person that was served before me had something wrong when they went to the window.  This was everything from trying to pay with a Visa card to not completely filling out a passport application to trying to file the paperwork for a renewal passport when, as I came to learn, it was clearly marked on the instructions that you could only submit applications for a new passport via the Clerk of Courts.  As she finished reviewing my form, including two additional pages of information I added, she reached into her drawer and began to pull out another form.  When I saw what she was doing I reached into my folder and produced a completed Family Court Cover Sheet and asked if this was what I needed.  She smiled again as she acknowledged that I was correct and displayed a degree of surprise when she concluded all was in order.  Not about me, but due to the problems that the typical person had at the clerk's office.  Then she announced, that the filing fee would be $401, which I already knew.  I also had been to the bank and casually handed her $405, cash.  She provided my change and I began to explain the problem with paying to have the fingerprints submitted to the FDLE.  She suggested I try a certain abbreviated version of the web site, and I thanked her, though I was not at all optimistic.  As I was showing her the paper that the Sheriff's Office had provided me, which I thought was just proof that I had the fingerprints taken, I saw something about credit card payments and a web site on the bottom.  This was not the same web site as the other form and I suddenly felt optimistic, and told her so.  Business completed, the petition filed, I thanked her and left for home.  As soon as I got in I pulled up the web site and within a few minutes I had successfully paid the $43.25 fee and took a deep breath.  I had done it.

So at the end of the day:

Fingerprints     $5

Background check     $43.25

to file the petition     $401

The judge proclaiming me Laura Catherine Perry?       Priceless! 

Not I've really gone and done it.  At last.  :-)

I am sincerely,

Laura Catherine

Journal Entry: 03/11/2012 - Real Girls Don't do Yard Work and Other Things

Well it's spring and spring brings yard work.  I have a corner lot with lots of landscaping and 4 scrub oak trees in my back yard.  Thank God for the pool or the back yard would even take more work.  Well I spent most of yesterday raking and bagging the leaves in the back yard.  My wife was nice enough to hold the bags open.  Thirteen bags later (a whole box) there are still three piles left.  We bought new bags but it's been raining all day so they'll have to sit there until they dry out.  There is also the issue of getting the leaves out of the space between the roof and the  frame of the screen for the pool.  There is a portion of screen that collects leaves. I have to blow them from on end to the roof of the patio and then climb onto the flat patio roof and collect them while I clear our the rain gutter.  There are palm trees to prune, regular weed treatments in the landscaping, fertilizing the lawn and pruning the bushes.  The oaks have to be pruned professionally.  That's just the back yard.  The pool area needs pressure washing and really could use a new coat of paint on the pad around the pool.  It does all get done but it seems to take forever.  Well one day into it and I've got a blister between my thumb and forefinger already.  So, I've concluded that real girls don't do yard work so next year (when my boy muscles are much less present anyway) I'm going to have to hire someone to at least do the hard part...the raking.  The rest is relatively easy.  Nope, real girls don't to the tough yard work and that includes me.

So, other things?  Well this past week I told my boss about Laura and she was great and very reassuring about my job.  Then I went to civilian personnel, armed with the information about protections for federal govt employees against discrimination against transgendered people.  She was also great and very reassuring.  There are two more people in my immediate leadership to tell and that will be all the important people.  I suspect there will be a discussion with the Wing Commander and perhaps the senior staff of the base.  There are the professional staff in the hospital where I work and the rest of the medical personnel.  There are Sq Commanders and First Sergeants across the base and my colleagues across the Air Force, including friends I've known for years in the Surgeon General's office.Well after my local leadership will be the colleagues in my office. All that could happen in the next couple of weeks.  I've already got the paperwork filled out for my name change and I see my endocrinologist on Wednesday.  I will being the requirements for gender marker change from the US State Dept (passport) and the Florida Driver's License Bureau.  All I need is for her to say that I have undergone sufficient medical treatment to complete my transition.  I'm going to ask her what that will mean for her.  I am confident that she will not require SRS but I am suspicious that she will want me to have an orchiectomy.  I've had a consult with a urologist about that procedure and it seems pretty simple really but my insurance wont cover a dime of the 5k its going to cost.  Well if it has to be done it has to be done.  It's possible she is ready to write the letter now but I'm suspicious she will want the surgery or longer on hormones first.  My driver's license is due to be renewed in June and I'd love to have it reflect my new name and a "F" gender.  I think I have enough time for the name change, I hope she will write the letter by then.  Somewhere along the line I will start presenting as a girl at work.  Because I have to have an ID to get on the base and get into my computer, and I won't be able to get them changes until the legal issues are resolved, I suspect I will not be able to present as a girl at work until those are done. June would be nice.  I also have a conference in July with my colleagues across the AF and the staff from the Surgeon General's office.  It would be great if Laura could attend that conference.  It's only once a year so otherwise it will be a year until these people get to put a face to my transition.  I could always send a picture, but it's not the same.  Every time I tell someone I show a picture, actually my profile picture from here, because it's human nature to imagine what I'd look like and I don't want them to have a false image....better or worse than I really look.  Then there are college transcripts and diplomas, professional license, passport and driver's license of course, bank records, social security, IRS and my personnel records and more.  Seems overwhelming to think of it all at once but I try to focus on one step at a time.

So that's about it but things do keep moving forward.  Oh yeah, my wife?   She is hanging in there.

I am sincerely,

Laura Catherine

Journal Entry: 06/03/2012 - Good News/Bad News

So a day of mixed emotions.  First, my direct boss, a psychologist, wanted to talk with me this morning about some clinic matters.  When we were done I, very unexpectedly, told her that I had some news that may knock her socks off.  She listened with concern and said, "You're not leaving are you?".  Now you have to understand that I am one of the key leaders in our clinic and was first in charge when she was deployed and our psychiatrist had move on to another assignment.  I was in charge from Jan - Oct 2011 and we had major inspections in December and January, earning perfect scores on both.  Not to say that was all me but I did have a key role in those results.  I was also just named the civilian supervisor of the year for the entire hospital.  The point here is not to blow my own horn but to explain why she relies on me, trusts my experienced and knowledge and respects me.  So, she was concerned I might be moving on to another job.  I told her no and she looked a little relieved, but was waiting and listening intently for what I was about to tell her.  So after thinking for a minute about how to tell her, I started with the fact that I had been struggling with something for my entire life but only came to realize it since this past summer.  I then went on to tell her that I was transgendered, specifically transsexual.  I told her that I have been in therapy since April, on hormones since December and am in the middle of laser facial hair removal.  I told her that I want to transition completely and have been living full time as a woman on weekends for months.  I told her that I was concerned about my job, even though the federal government has protections against discrimination again transgendered individuals and even has established procedures to reconstruct a personnel file.  She was surprised to find I was concerned about my job and restated my value to this clinic.  After talking with her I found myself wondering why I was concerned about my job.  Probably because so many others have lost theirs.  I told her that I have an appointment with civilian personnel on Thursday to talk with them and that our Squadron Commander should be next, followed by the hospital Commander.  She assured me she would be supportive and felt that the staff would be accepting as well.  I showed her a couple of my more recent pictures and she even said she thought I was beautiful.  :-)  When I showed her the one that is my profile on here, and on facebook, her first remark was, "Wow".  She also said, as others have, that I look really happy.  Well I am, when I am Laura and enough people have noticed it so it must be true.  As far as my patients, she agreed that they should have the choice of continuing with me or transferring to another therapist.  So, anyway, that's done and I was in a good mood all day, feeling another important step had been taken.

Now the not so good news.  By the time my wife got home from work I had finished spraying the weeds in our flower beds, fed the dogs, emptied the dishwasher, taken out the trash and prepared the salad to go with our dinner.  I had a cup of tea waiting for her when she walked in the door.  Now I do get home earlier than she does and she was particularly late tonight.  It's not unusual for me to do these type of things before she gets home.  I let her have her tea and sit down and relax for a bit before I told her that I had told my boss and that she was supportive.  We both had been worried about my job and she had asked me to keep it out of my work.  I never agreed to but when I didn't she felt as though I took no notice of what she had asked of me.  It's just so hard to explain this in a way to anyone, in a way that would make any sense.  Heck, it doesn't make sense to me most of the time.  Anyway, she wasn't happy at all.  I know she is worried and I understand that.  I know she feels that she cannot be married to a woman because the idea of it just doesn't fit her experience.  I also know that she loves the person inside this body and I still believe that if she gives us a chance, we will be ok.  I sure hope so.

I guess the answer to my last journal entry about whether transition is a choice or not is, no, it's not a choice.  In spite of what I have to lose, I am just compelled to go through with this.  I found the change of name forms from the clerk of courts on the Internet and forwarded them home to begin working on them.  It will take a little while as I have to do some research on places that I lived when I was little and some other parts.  I have to have a local and national criminal background check done, fingerprints, file the forms, get a court date and then can get my name changed.  It's March 6th.  My driver's license expires on my birthday in June.  I'm setting a personal goal to try and get this done by then.  I don't know if it's possible but to change my name after I get my new license is not a big deal.  Next is to talk with my endocrinologist about what it will take her to write a letter stating that I have undergone sufficient medical treatment to complete my transition.  I hope she doesn't require surgery.  I've printed the Florida DMV and US State Dept passport policies (they are the same) and will bring them to my next appointment a week from tomorrow.  I have a feeling that once things start rolling they will go quite fast. 

The obstacles are falling by the wayside one after the other.  My siblings, my kids, my work...there are not many, if any, important ones left.....except my wife.  I love her dearly and truly hope we can survive my transition.  So, for today, that's the good news and the bad news.

I am sincerely,

Laura Catherine

Journal Entry: 04/03/2012 - Is it Still a Choice?

So my life is up and down like a yo-yo.  It definitely goes with my changing back and forth between presenting as a boy during the work week and a girl on weekends but it's more than that.  There are times when my wife seems to accept me and other times she pleads with me to be 'normal', meaning a boy full time. I tell her that it's no longer a choice and that I would die, at least emotionally, if I stopped my journey now.  I wonder sometimes if the price is worth it....is it a choice?  Maybe so, I could choose to die......i guess that's a choice.  Something to consider anyway.

I am sincerely,

Laura Catherine