Journal Entry: 02/05/2012 - Eye Opener

Today is my youngest daughter's 26th birthday.  I've not yet told my kids that I am trans but wanted to see her of course so it meant as a boy.  My previous post described my reverse transition experience. Well I put on a pair of boy jeans for the first time in, I can't remember when.  OMG they are disgusting.  Baggy, scruffy looking....just horrible.  No hugging stretch.....oh I love girls clothes... when I got home I immediately stripped off my polo shirt and those horrible jeans and put on my pink cotton nightdress....oooooohhhhhhhh............much better.  :-)

So we went to Squid Lips...you know, my favorite place.  I had thought about terryaki wings all day long and ordered them.  We got there just after 6:00 and I thought the place would be packed.  It was busy, not not nearly packed.  So, I ordered my wings......mmmmmmm...... I could almost them.  The game hadn't started yet and guess what?  The were OUT OF WINGS!  Can you believe it?  Superbowl Sunday and before the game even started they were out of wings.  So I ordered something else, a buffalo chicken sandwich and my daughter another appetizer.  We watched the first half of the game, shared a few beers and ate.  We were finished just as the half ended and left. The interesting thing was comparing my experience there as a boy vs as a girl.  The service was the same but the waitresses were not coming by and saying hi or stopping to chat for a few seconds on their way by.  When Laura was there this afternoon, only for about 1/2 hour, one did stop by and chat for a minute as she went to the bar to put in an order.  No such attention as a boy.  As Laura I feel like the waitresses are friends of sorts.  As a boy I am just a customer.  I watched others come and go and felt invisible.  I really didn't mind because I hate my boy self anyway and because no one seemed to notice if I was alive, I didn't have to work so hard to put on the act.

Dinner was nice and it was good to see my daughter on her birthday.  I couldn't help thinking that tonight could be the last time she sees me as her dad....kind of a sad thought actually....not about transitioning, but about our relationship changing.  My relationship with my wife already has.

I am sincerely,

Laura Catherine