Journal Entry: 02/18/2012 - Miracles

So my wife & I have made up after several days of tension.  I try to see her point of view on things and when I can't it really gets in the way of us putting things right.  I'll have to work on that.  Well after we made up she told me that her daughter is upset with me.  We've gotten on really well since we first met and she's visited us here in America and we also spent a lot of time together in England.  We've been on vacations within England, France, Amsterdam, Ireland and NYC; been on Caribbean cruises and new year's eves on Boston Harbor and the river Thames (not in the same year of course). It would really make me sad if we could not be close again.  Of course she is supporting her mom as she should.  Even though it created some issues, I'm glad she learned about my transition, though accidentally via Facebook was not the ideal way of course.  She is confused and doesn't really understand the trans dilemma but mostly she is upset with me because her mom is hurting.  According to my wife, she's really got no problem with my transition (maybe) but is upset that I married her mom first. Thinking of course that I've known for somet ime and may have purposely waited until I married her mom and became comfortable with her before beginning my journey.  Certainly if that was true it was not intentional.  Then we started talking about how I've changed.  When I look I only see change for the better but my wife has a hard time seeing that right now.  Then she said her daughter noticed that I had changed when she came for a visit in November with her fiancee. We did a lot of theme parks (we live near Orlando) and I thought everything was ok. Then I started thinking back to her visit and it came to me....another light bulb moment......that keeps happening.  It's kind of cool for now because each time it happens another piece of the complex puzzle that is me falls into place.  None of these moments haven't fit.  OK, back to this moment.  The longer it's been since I first came to accept my true self (July 2011) I have become increasingly aware of the act I am playing when I present as a boy.  Because I am aware of it I may actually not be as good at it.  Well I figure she noticed that I was acting because I presented as a boy the whole time they were here.  In fact, the same pretty much is true for my wife as well because when we've been out together as 2 girls it's only been for a few hours on a weekend evening to a local gay/les bar.  It was nice to get out but it's not really me and not real life for us.  This place did serve a purpose as it was "safe" and helped me develop my confidence about passing.  The rest of the time we've actually been together I've presented as the boy actor. Not my real self, conscious of the act and yes, it probably does show and looks like I've changed.  Well Dec 13, 2011 was my first day on hormones and a lot's happened since then, most significantly that I have been living full time as a female outside of work....which pretty much means weekends.  That's done a lot for my self confidence and self awareness.  Of course the down side is that it's getting harder and harder to continue to present as a boy at work.  I can see coming out fully there in the future. Hopefully the federal protections of discrimination, including gender identity issues, will protect me. That's another story.  I've told her that when she gets back next week.....yes, she is coming back as scheduled on Wednesday....yeah!.....I want to present as Laura as much as humanly possible.  I don't think it will do her any good to limit myself.  It will only prolong her grief and she needs to find out if she can deal with being with me as Laura, or not.  The only way she will find out is to be with me, as Laura, and living real life, doing the real things we normally do....not just a few hours at a gay bar.  She worries about me passing but she'll see quickly how people respond to me when I am out.

So then another revelation (another term for a light bulb moment).  She is an angel!  Yes, an angel, heaven sent and all. I've been going to mass regularly for the past 5-6 weeks and maybe doing so has helped me see her in this light.  Could be.  Well this heaven sent angel gave me the strength and courage to look inside myself and discover my true self.  She even left me for months at a time, secretly knowing that due to my dependency on her to feel safe, I could not cope with repeated extended absences and I would have to learn how to make it on my own or else I was going to die. Leaving her for someone else was not really an option....just not how I am made.  So I found myself. Job "1" done.  Now, job "2".  She had to vehemently oppose my claim that I have a female gender identity and need to transition. She had to oppose this to make sure I was sure of myself and not just heading off on a path of fantasy that could lead to destruction of the life I had built.  No, she couldn't let that happen so she had to establish that If I persisted in my transition I could well lose her forever.  Well I've faced that fear and come out the other side.  I love her dearly and so very much want to spend the rest of my life with her.  But, on the other hand, I am also secure in myself and know I can be ok on my own, including when she is away.  Don't get me wrong.  I am lonely and miss her terribly when she is away but for the first time, life still goes on.  In the past my world pretty much stopped turning and I just held my emotional breath until she was back.  Well we've been apart for 6 mths of each of the past two years.  I don't know about you but I just couldn't hold my breath that long.  So, it was live or die....and I chose to live.  The funny thing is that now that I've found myself and started my journey with confidence, signaling she has completed jobs "1" and "2", she is going to be changing her schedule as far as being in the UK goes.  She'll go 3 times a year for a month at a time.  That's 1/2 of the time she's been away (three months vs six months) for each of the past two years and 1/3 of the time (one month vs three months) at one time.  Why?  Well clearly she still is my angel and has job "3" to complete.  In order to complete this final job she has to spend time with me.  Job "3"?  Well clearly to support my transition and help me see it through.  It seems this is the easy part now and she can begin to reap the rewards of the hard work of jobs "1" and "2".

So you see, prayers can be answered, miracles can happen.  Mine did. :-)

I am sincerely,

Laura Catherine