Journal Entry: 02/06/2012 - Increasing Awareness

So I need to work on converting this to a book.....I'm only 8 months in to my transition and really only 2 months into my physical transition and I've already written a lot.  Oh well, so what's this entry about?  Increasing awareness of course.  Didn't you read the title?  :-)  Just kidding, thanks for reading.

Well I wrote about the reverse transition and return of depression last night.  Well today I noticed more things.  Number 1, the noise in my head returned in full force, a million thoughts bouncing around inside my head.  Not so loud I couldn't concentrate but it's always there.  When I don't have much going on it gets really loud, especially since I have become more aware of myself...really the difference between my true self and the actor.  Number 2, my frown.  I was walking out of my office and became aware of my frown.  I realized that unless I purposely smile, I frown as my normal facial expression as a boy.  When I allow myself to be my true self, my normal facial expression is a subtle smile.  I know that because I walked by a mirror and glanced at myself and saw it.  Third, and I've noticed this before--I'm just more constantly aware, is my dysphoria.  It goes away a bit when I am writing...because I think like Laura when I write.

I was talking with my lovely wife tonight and of course the main theme of our conversations is about my transition.  She will be back from England in 16 days.  She would like Laura to just disappear altogether, or a least to go underground while she is here, or at a bare minimum, be exposed to her and the world minimally.  On the contrary, tonight I talked about my increasing belief that I need to go full time as soon as possible and that my one year timeline from beginning hormones ends Dec 13, 2012 and I'm not 100% sure that I will last that long (without going full time).

The rest of our conversation was about me trying to convince her that if she really makes an effort to get to know my true self, that she would like me.  I really believe that. I reviewed our attraction to each other and my attraction to her was easy to explain.  First, she is gorgeous.  Second, she celebrates the fact that she is female and third, she is a Londoner and has an unbelievable accent. 

When it came to her attraction to me it was just as easy to explain; by process of elimination.  It surely was not my clothes--I wore the same, horrible, baggy, worn out green shorts nearly every day.  It was just as surely not my car--a 5 year old Chevy tracker (my poor man's jeep wrangler--I've had two Wranglers since we've been married). It was easy to rule out my money--i didn't have any. No way it was my hair, I don't have any (shhhhh..........the hair in my pics is not my own.  The blonde hair is real but not mine.  Part of why no one would recognize me as one in the same).  It also wasn't my boat (I did meet her at a marina so yes, I had a boat).  She really likes power boats and I had a tiny sailboat.  Not only was in small but sailboats move by catching wind in their sails and the hulls are shaped so that they lean over....how far over depends on sail area and wind speed/direction.  She's not big into the tipping over thing.  So it wasn't my boat.  In the end we agreed that what she fell in love with about me was nothing she could see or touch.  But, it had to be something pretty special because, number 1, she is gorgeous....etc etc etc.  She also had three proposals before me....from men in England.  OK, one was going to go to Spain and open his own restaurant.  Now one of these is her ex, who would have her back in a minute if she would have him.....as she divorced him maybe he doesn't count.  But there were two others....not counting any other guy she dated in the years between her divorce and meeting me.  Now, knowing her, these guys had all the stuff you could see and touch.  Money, nice cars, nice clothes, nice looking.....but she picked me.  Hmmmmm............ Not only did she pick me but she sold her house, packed her things in a suitcase and moved to America from England, leaving her kids, siblings, grand daughter, friends and a good job behind. 

So....what was it that she fell in love with about  me and gave up a good life in the UK for?  It was not for anything she could see or touch and no, it wasn't a green card if that's what you are thinking.  She has been to America enough to know our streets aren't lined with gold after all and she's spent as much time in the UK as in America over the past two years and we actually lived in England for two years.  So, it was definitely not to have an opportunity to come to the land of plenty.  So, in my thinking it only left one thing....the person I am inside. 

Well I've explained to her that the person, inside, that she fell in love with it still there, only better.  While her husband was a nice guy, thoughtful, caring, romantic....he is also shallow, dependent boring and depressed.  Laura on the other hand is a nice girl, thoughtful, sincere, caring, romantic, honest and loves to live life.  All the good qualities she fell in love with and some cool extra ones as well. 

OK, so she thought I was a boy....a small obstacle that we can overcome.  Tonight was about her willingness to try and overcome it.  What I am talking about is living weekends full time as my true self, like I do now.  That way she can see what normal life with me would be like.  Once she realizes that I pass then she maybe can enjoy being with me without fear of being embarrassed.  Up till now she's only been with me to "safe" places, and that's not real life.  I think she is going try and that's all I can ask.  Sixteen days.......

I am sincerely,

Laura Catherine