Journal Entry: 02/16/2012 - Enough Pain to Go Around

Well with the help of a friend I learned another lesson today. You might say a "light bulb moment".  In the last few weeks I had opened up to my brother, sister and 2 daughters about my gender identity and transition.  One by one each of them expressed not only their support and love, but also their empathy for the turmoil I have lived with for the whole of my life up till now.  As my daughters, now 26 and 30, began their grieving over the loss of their father they naturally looked back at their life as they remembered it. Of course that took them back into their childhoods when I was still married to their mom.  While shocked, neither was terribly surprised due to several events that had occurred many years ago.  My brother also was not surprised as 9 yrs ago he had come to Florida for my retirement ceremony from the USAF.  At that time I was renting a room in a woman's house, getting ready to move to GA for my first post military job.  As I had no where to put him up he stayed with my kids at their mom's house.  While there they had shared some of their observations that ultimately brought my first marriage to an end.  In fact it was a loveless marriage, initiated and maintained for many years as part of an elaborate front to prevent even myself from seeing the truth, that I am transsexual.  Well in their responses to me the three of them mentioned times related to being around my ex. My sister did not, but she also did not express concern over how my wife was handling my transition.  I had made brief mention of her struggles in my contact with them but it, like their responses, was mostly about me and my hope to continue my relationship with all of them.

Well in one way or another, each family member's supportive response resulted in anger from my wife.  While she asked if they had asked about how she was feeling, she focused on the sheer mention of my ex.  When she was mentioned it was not in any way that would threaten my relationship with my wife but yet she was incessant in her ire and I just couldn't understand it.

Well tonight I "talked" via Facebook with a gg friend who is also married to a TS who has fully transitioned.  She shared her experience, like I hoped she would, that put this into perspective and explained her response so clearly.

My wife is in tremendous turmoil over my transition, understandably.  It's hardest for her because she lives with me and her life will change the most, even if we stay together.  I do understand that.  What I've come to understand is that when others supported me, and especially when they empathized with me over my own turmoil of living my entire life in a body that I hated.  When my family empathized with me, and especially when they didn't show at least equal concern for her own turmoil, she felt that her pain was trivialized and resulted in her anger.  It made so much sense when I heard it, I wondered why I hadn't thought of it before.  I also need to be more sensitive in expressing my own excitement over "progress" in my transition to her. 

In truth, these people are my family.  I initiated the interactions which were about me, my transition and my relationship with them.  Their responses addressed that communication.  The lack of support she has was also highlighted. One of her daughters found out by accident via Facebook and I tried to explain it for her in an e-mail.  From my wife's comments though she thinks I am just "dressing up" and doesn't understand the difference between a CD/TV and TS, like most of the world I guess.  My wife is too embarrassed to openly discuss my transition with her and certainly too embarrassed to discuss it with her other children or friends.  She's not big on the whole counseling concept, even though I am a psychotherapist either.  I tried to find support for her on the Internet but she has used it sparingly at best. So, essentially she has no one supporting just her and I, the one who "caused" all of this, has lots of support, from family, a therapist, Internet friends and some even in real life.  She needs her own support network, badly.  I've long encouraged her out of the obvious need but until now I never realized just how much she needs it.  In addition to her turmoil over my transition and subsequent anger when support comes my way, she is additionally torn when she cannot sustain her anger and her love of her husband rises to the surface and the grief sets in.  Oh I do feel for her, and guilty as well.  I just can't go back to being depressed. I so wish I could help her.

So, it seems there is enough pain to go around.  We all need support. How to you find it for someone else?

I am sincerely,

Laura Catherine