So, I went to this luncheon at a local Beef O'Brady's with the Brevard Kinksters. This was their first meeting. Up till now people from this county with fetish interests had to travel to neighboring countys for such a casual gathering. Brevard Kinksters you say? What the h***?
Ok, let me explain. These types of groups are into some form of Dominance/ submission...bondage. You know, kinky stuff. Hence the name? Duh........... :-) Anyway, going back 10 yrs or so I found myself drawn into this "lifestyle" as they call it, but just playing around online. It was my "dirty little secret" though and was "caught" more than once. I tried to explain at first and then tried to stop, but couldn't. I kept going back like it was some sort of an addiction. Well to be fair, to others it may well have looked like one. Well the unique part was that in this fantasy world of kink, I presented as a girl. Always. Of course until I put it all together this past summer, I didn't really understand what that was all about. Now I know of course that this was my way of expressing myself as Laura.....or whatever name I used back then. In the world of kink there are plenty of people who will interact online with a kinky girl.
So, back to the Kinksters. When I first began going out in public it was at the invitation and encouragement of anther transsexual that I met online, yes on a kink website.....This was my trip to the local "friendly" coffee shoppe which I wrote about in an early journal entry. Well this person of course was part of a kinksters group and invited me to their monthly gathering. As there was no local group, the only option was to go south, over an hour, to another county. She had been meeting with them for some time and reassured me that they were "safe", meaning they would accept me openly. This meeting (called Munches because it's at a restaurant and they tend to eat...clever huh?) was only 2 days later and as I was mesmerized about having been out in public and had a good experience, and had "kinky" interests, I said sure. So I went. A total of three times. Well I stopped going, mostly because of the drive (the new location was a full hour and a half from me, one way) but also because Lynda wasn't thrilled with some of the people I was meeting there. She had been with me once herself.
So, when I learned about this meeting I thought, heck, it's much closer (30 min max) and it's a Sat afternoon and a chance to get out and meet some new people. So I went. What I haven't said is that since I started hormones, Dec 13, 2011, my interest in kink has changed....or disappeared more likely. You see, up until that day I was just a "man in a dress". I could call myself transsexual all I wanted but the only thing separating me from a transvestite is that I wanted TO BE a girl, not just to look like one. When I started hormones I was clearly on a different path than transvestites. I was changing my body to be a girl as much as hormones will accomplish that. And they will to a significant degree. So, since I now could separate myself from the other trans group, I started really living as a female full time on weekends. Not just for a couple of hours at a time, on a Sat night. I sleep in my "hair", "breasts" and even makeup lots of time so when I wake up in the morning I look into the mirror and see Laura looking back. What a great feeling that is. So what you say? Well due to this change I got to BE a female a whole lot more. 36 - 48 consecutive hours on weekends, longer on three day weekends. This weekend for example I was off on Friday to I transitioned to Laura Friday morning and by the time I go back to, yuck, boy mode this evening it will have been nearly 60 hours straight. I was no longer "dressing up", I was or should I say, I am, living as a female...on weekends at least. I used to stay in boy mode and do my errands before transitioning Saturdays but now Laura does he errands and goes to all the places, walmart, grocery stores, bank, post office etc that I need to go....no problems.
So, back to the point. As I began "living" as a female (on weekends anyway) I found my fetish interests just fade into the background and now....well those feelings are just not there. Everyone I have met in the "lifestyle" has been great so it's not due to a bad experience. I have come to conclude that all or my fetish interests were simple a way, maybe the only "safe" way, to present as the female I am inside.
So, I went to this local "Munch" and again, everyone was great. I suspect most had no idea I was trans unless the organizer told them, because she knew. But, I did not feel I belonged there. I just didn't fit in anymore. I struggled to find a way to fit into conversations and am sure I appeared unsociable. I even won one of the door prizes that raffled off (a common practice at these events), a pair of nipple clamps.....ouch! Well to make a short story much too long, that's it. My kinky interests gave me a means of presenting myself as a female. Well now that I do that "normally", those interests have, dried up so to speak. Don't think I'll be going back.....it's really not fair to them. I will explain nicely to the organizer but those interests just don't exist anymore. It's a relief in some ways, there is enough unusual about me already, don't need to add to it unnecessarily.
Oh and by the way, reality is WAAAAAAAYYYY better than fantasy. :-)
I am sincerely,
Laura Catherine
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